Chapter 22 #2
Jeez, I’m pathetic. And however hard I try to think about maths exams, Valentine Ward and any other turn-offs, my trousers are feeling tighter. Tori’s hip is on my thigh. I can feel it through my clothes and it’s driving me crazy.
It’s not like it’s the first time she’s lain beside me, doing my head in.
It’s just the first time I haven’t been trying to suppress it at all costs.
Because we were just friends. The biggest lie in the history of the world.
We are friends, but we’re more than that.
She’s hot, she’s the most beautiful person in the entire world. And she’s lying in my bed. Oh God.
I shut my eyes, but that doesn’t help. Quite the reverse.
She’s asleep, I have to stop being this turned on, but it’s hard when you’re eighteen and are feeling so much.
Her warm back under my hand, her soft lips on mine.
Everything about Tori is soft. Her hair is so silky, her skin, her voice.
And me . . . nothing about me is soft. Not just now, anyway.
Maybe I should get up and actually pick up a book.
Carry on with our reading for English, learn Latin verbs.
Something dull, dry . . . But I’m only human and, anyway, I wouldn’t want Tori to wake up.
She really needs this hour of peace because, knowing her, she’ll go straight on to rehearsals and not get any rest. She’s incorrigible.
And I love her. I love her like Romeo loves Juliet.
In this totally clichéd, unconditional way.
Boak-worthy, I know. But anything else would be a lie.
And I’ve done enough lying in the last few years.
I don’t know how I managed to fall asleep, but when my door flies open after one of Henry’s short, hard knocks, I barely know what day it is, or even my own name.
‘Hey, have you . . . ? Oh.’ Henry stops in the middle of the room as I start to sit up. ‘Sorry.’ He has the sense to turn and shut the door. Apparently, study hour is over, because the corridor isn’t nearly as quiet as it was earlier. Tori unwraps herself from my arms. Henry keeps his back to us.
‘Are you naked? Please tell me you’re not naked.’
‘You’re such a dick, Bennington,’ I say, wishing my voice wasn’t so hoarse.
‘Oh, really? Well, I’ll be off, then.’
‘No.’ Tori clears her throat and slides over. ‘We were just lying around.’
‘Oh, right.’ Henry glances over his shoulder. ‘That’s nice. Em and I do that a lot too.’
‘Jeez, man, too much information.’
‘OK, Charlie.’ He looks way too pleased. ‘Did I ever tell you how happy I am for you two? So’s Emma, by the way. She can’t talk about anything else but what a cute couple you make.’
‘Henry,’ I say, but not as menacingly as I’d like.
‘No, fine, sorry. But we should agree on a sign. A sock on the door handle when you don’t want to be disturbed, or something.’
‘A sock,’ Tori repeats slowly.
‘Yeah, or something at the window so Mr Acevedo doesn’t see. How do you manage it in the west wing?’
‘God, what’s your problem?’ I snap.
‘I was just thinking,’ says Henry, downcast.
‘What did you even want, anyway?’
Henry eyes me, then shrugs his shoulders. ‘Can’t remember.’
‘You’re kidding me.’
‘Sorry. I got a shock. But a good shock. You know. Anyway. I’m going to find Emma.’ He turns back to the door, but looks around again. ‘A flag at the window would be an option too.’
‘Henry!’
‘Bye . . .’
Tori squats on the bed, as speechless as I am, while Henry disappears as quickly as he arrived. Then she lets herself sink back onto the mattress. Her head lands in my lap.
‘Your friend is impossible.’
‘He’s your friend too.’
‘Yeah, but you’re my best friend.’ She gives me an innocent smile and I lean down to her. We kiss, laughing at the same time. At least until Tori freezes.
‘Wait, what’s the time?’
I just about manage to get out of the way in time as she straightens again and grabs my phone. I know we’ve slept longer than an hour when she breathes a quiet ‘Fuck.’
Looks like that’s that for rehearsals today, then. When I take my phone, I see that it’s long past five.
‘Why didn’t you wake me?’ There’s a hint of panic in her eyes as she looks at me.
‘I didn’t set an alarm.’
‘Hold it, so you fell asleep too?’
I give an apologetic shrug. ‘It was so peaceful . . .’
‘Great.’
‘I’m sure Mr Acevedo won’t be expecting you back this week.’
Tori sighs deeply. ‘Even so. And we didn’t do any French either.’
‘Such a shame,’ I murmur.
‘Watch it, Charles.’
‘I always do, Victoria.’
‘Don’t you have to see to Jubilee?’ she asks.
I shrug. ‘No. I’ll go to her tomorrow.’
‘Can I come too?’ she asks, to my surprise.
‘Sure. If you feel up to it.’
‘I’m perfectly fine, Charlie.’
‘Yeah, cos just falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon is absolutely perfectly fine, isn’t it?’
She gives me a gentle punch on the forearm, which means I have to catch her hands and pull them to my chest. Her quiet laugh as I hold her tight and sink back down to the mattress with her is everything.
‘Let me go, Mr Falls-Asleep-Himself.’ She puts her head on my chest – the best feeling in the world. ‘Can we go out for a ride again?’
‘If you like,’ I say. It must be a good six months since we last rode out together.
‘I do like,’ she says, lifting her hand.
I immediately get goosebumps as she draws mysterious patterns on my chest with her index finger.
Oh, Tori. She hasn’t the least idea what she does to me.
Or that this way, it can be just a matter of seconds before the tension in my trousers builds up again, and this time she’s lying half on top of me . . .
‘I’d like something else too.’ She falls silent, then lifts her head. Puppy dog eyes. Great.
‘Tori,’ I say quietly.
‘Please.’
‘No.’
‘You don’t even know what I’m going to say.’
‘I know I won’t like it.’
‘You know nothing.’
I sigh.
‘I’ve seen how much fun it is for you.’
I shut my eyes.
‘Stop acting like you can’t hear me.’
‘Well, then, you stop wanting to have this conversation,’ I plead.
‘Ha, bad luck, we’re already having it.’
‘Tori, I’ve made up my mind.’
So has she, and she’s determined not to let it lie. She sits up slightly.
‘Out of everything that happened between Val and me, there’s one thing I particularly regret,’ she says.
‘Which is?’ I ask, when she doesn’t continue.
‘That I gave up something I enjoyed. For his sake.’
I gulp. ‘You can’t compare the two things.’
‘No, but all the same, I know how it feels. You’re talented, you and Eleanor. You carry this play. Nobody can say otherwise. You belong on the stage . . . With her.’
For a while, I just look at her and don’t speak. I should contradict her. Assure her that I don’t mind. But that would be a lie. I really do miss acting. ‘But I’m hurting you,’ I say quietly.
‘No, Charlie. It only hurt while I didn’t know what it was between us.’
‘And what is it?’
‘You tell me.’
I avoid her eyes. ‘It’s everything. You’re everything. In every stage kiss, I was thinking of you.’
There’s no more beautiful sight in the world than Tori’s slight blush.
‘If it’s everything, I can deal with that, do you understand? I want you to be happy. And I don’t want to be at the rehearsals without you.’
‘Meaning you’d stay on as assistant director, despite everything?’ My voice is rough.
‘Why wouldn’t I?’
‘I don’t know . . . Because you wouldn’t want to see it. I’d understand.’
‘Charlie, I want to see you. I always want to see you.’
I get goosebumps, and I understand this is it.
Love. I know because it would be the same the other way around.
Because I’d want to see Tori on the stage.
Even if I didn’t like it because it raised negative emotions within me.
Jealousy, the feeling of not being enough.
Those would be nothing compared to the desire to see her happy.
I nod slowly.
‘Promise me,’ she insists.
‘I’ll speak to Mr Acevedo tomorrow.’
Tori smiles.
GREEN FLAGS
Friendship Edition
· They celebrate your successes and they love it when you achieve something.
· You can always talk about whatever’s on your mind.
· No criticism if one of you changes or develops.
· They show understanding for the boundaries you set.
· They understand that friendship has closer and less close phases.
· They ask how they can help if something’s wrong.
· They want the best for you, regardless of whether it’s also the best for them.
· They are able to apologize and admit it when they’ve made a mistake.