Chapter 28 #2
And something explodes inside me. Whether it’s that overbearing huff or his smug expression, I can’t tell.
It doesn’t matter because the outcome is the same.
Anger flares to life inside of me. Fuck not giving Dad anything.
I’m going to give him fucking everything I have, since he decided to bring the same old bullshit to the table.
“I didn’t.”
He looks up at me, stunned. “What?”
“I didn’t ask you, Dad. I never asked you for anything.”
Dad places down his cup, his expression controlled, but his fingers tremble. “I’m not sure what you mean, Jared.”
I lean over the table, resting my elbows on the surface. “But you do. You do know what I mean. Because you do this all the time, don’t you? You put people down to make yourself feel better. Like Coach Anyango. Like me.”
“Now, Jared, I don’t—”
I raise my voice. “I’m not done!”
Dad jumps, his nostrils flaring, but he doesn’t say anything. I look at my sister. This is her house. But she just nods at me to go on.
“I don’t need your opinion on Coach Anyango. Or anything for that matter. I never wanted it, but you gave it to me anyway. All your shit and your disapproval when all I ever wanted was your love and for you to be proud of me.” I swallow, my head throbbing with a building headache.
Dad laughs in disbelief. “Where is this all coming from, Jared? I love you. Of course I do. You think I’d sacrifice everything for someone I didn’t love?” His bottom lip shakes with indignation as he tips his chin. “It’s ridiculous, Jared. Not proud of my own son.” He shakes his head. “Ridiculous.”
“Is it? Because I don’t feel the pride and your so-called love.
I never did.” I chuckle bitterly. “You know, there was a time when I would’ve given anything for just one kind word from you.
I would’ve given up the sun for the rest of my life if you’d just looked at me once like you look at Mia and Mason. ”
Dad shakes his head again, holding out his arms in resignation. “So now you’re jealous of your niece and nephew. That’s rich. Seems I can’t do anything right.” He looks at Janelle, but her face remains blank.
My fist slams on the table, cups rattling and coffee sloshing onto the leaf pattern. “You’re fucking right, I am! I can both love those kids and be jealous at the same time.”
Dad clenches his jaw. “I think we should talk another time when you’ve calmed down, Jared.” Dad picks up a napkin and starts wiping the tablecloth. “Are you taking your medication?”
“Leave it, Dad,” Janelle says. “Just leave it.”
“But it’ll ruin—”
“Leave it!” she snaps.
“Alright, alright. I see I’ve come at a bad time.”
I laugh, my voice bordering on hysterical. “No, actually, your timing was perfect. Janie and I were just talking about directing one’s anger where it belongs.”
Dad’s eyes widen, and I can tell he’s over me and my drama. But it isn’t over for me. It’s as real as it was that day in Paris. Only this time, I’m not going to let him slip out the door. I’m going to keep him here in my ugly brokenness until I’m done with him.
“You abandoned me that day in Paris—your own flesh and blood. You left me like you’d leave a broken car on the side of the road, and you never looked back. I was broken and no longer of any use to you.”
Dad shifts in his seat. “You in on this, Janie? This…. Set-up?”
“No,” my sister says. “I can’t take any credit for this. It’s all Jared. Finally.”
“You know, I almost died that day. It felt like I lost everything in a split second when you walked away.” I laugh bitterly.
“When, really, it was a blessing. I didn’t see it that way back then, but I do now.
You set me free. You gave me my life back, my freedom.
It was all broken parts, sure, but they were there, and my road to healing started the day I almost died. ”
Dad gapes at me, wringing his hands.
“You losing interest in me was the best thing that ever happened to me.” I get up and walk the few steps to my sister. I kiss her cheek. “Thank you, Janie.”
Her voice is frail, brimming with emotion. “Love you, Jared.”
I smile. “I love you, too.”
Dad stands too, but I push past him. I’m done.
“So that’s it?” he calls after me. “Walking away like a coward. Just like you always do.” His words can’t hurt me anymore.
They slide off me like I’m made out of Teflon.
“Ungrateful!” There it is. I knew it would come.
But I’m not going to bite. I’m past the point of giving a shit about his opinion of me. I keep walking out into the entryway.
“I’ll call you tonight, Janie,” I yell as I sit down on the bench and put on my shoes.
Dad follows me into the entryway, no longer able to hide his agitation. “You’re breaking your mother’s heart, Jared. I hope you know that!”
I stand, towering over him. “Yeah, well, she broke mine too, over and over again, all the times she didn’t stand up for me. All the times she turned a blind eye to your…” My voice breaks. “Your abuse.” Because it was. I see that now.
I open the door, and the autumn wind hits me, fresh and clean.
I step outside and close the door. The past is behind me.
Not gone, but behind me. No longer next to me, walking beside me like a shadow I can’t escape.
My future stares back at me, bright as the sun.
Wes. Wes is my future. I just hope he still wants me.
If he doesn’t, I’m going to get down on my fucking knees and beg him to take me back if I have to.
I jog toward my car and pull out my phone. I call Wes, but it goes straight to voicemail. I open my texts, and there they are: three words staring back at me.
Wes: I love you
My heart threatens to break through my chest. Tears slide down my cheeks, and I read the words again and again until they turn blurry.
Leaning against my car, I allow the words to settle.
Wes loves me. Of course he does. He’s shown me in every conceivable way.
I see it now. I’m finally ready to accept it.
If I had any doubts, they vanished with those three life-changing words.