Chapter 30 Jett
Jett
We stay glued together for the longest time, kissing until our lips are swollen and our jaws are chaffed from our scruff. There are so many things we need to talk about, but right now we need each other. I came so close to losing the man I love, and I’m never letting him go again.
Wes is in my lap, his hands buried underneath my hoodie, fingertips whispering along my skin.
I come alive under his touch, and everything rights itself in my world.
I know we’ll be okay because we love each other.
Despite the ugliness of my truth, Wes still loves me.
He probably understands better than anyone.
Maybe it’s not so ugly after all. Maybe it’s human to feel lost at times, to be afraid.
Maybe it’s what brought us together. That we saw parts of ourselves in the other.
The same longing, the same need to find peace in someone else. The need to stop running.
“I’m truly sorry I hurt you,” I murmur against his lips as we break away for air. “Logically, I knew you’d never break my trust like that, but once the fear takes over…” I squeeze my eyes closed, still so ashamed of how I spoke to him that morning. How close I came to losing him.
Wes pins my chin between his fingers. “Hey,” he says. “Please look at me, babe.” I blink my eyes open, brown meeting blue. “Will you tell me how it feels when that fear comes?”
“Okay.” I lick my lips. Aside from Doctor Lee, I’ve never told anyone.
I don’t have to dig that deep to feel it, though.
The underlying anxiety is always there, ready to rear its head.
“It’s like a tidal wave, I guess. I can see it approaching, but I can’t move.
I can’t run from it, like my feet are trapped in the wet sand, and I’m being pulled down.
My body is frozen, and I can only wait for the impact, not knowing if this is when I break again.
Sometimes my senses stop working. I get tunnel vision, and I can’t hear anything, just this loud ringing in my head, like an alarm going off or a phone that just won’t stop ringing.
I get nauseous, and sometimes I even throw up.
” Wes cradles my chin, his thumb caressing my skin in soothing movements.
“My body is no longer my own, just a vessel for that monster that lives inside me and wants to consume me. Its end goal is to destroy Jett. To take away my dreams and my future. The people I love.” I pull Wes closer against me, burying my face in his neck.
“It’s mostly my father’s voice, accusing and disappointed.
” I tremble against him. Wes kisses my temple in silent reassurance.
“Sometimes I can stop it from escalating. I have strategies, and mostly they work. I can challenge the voice in my head that tells me I’m worthless and that the world is a better place without me in it.
” Wes freezes against me, a sob spilling from his lips.
“I won’t ever do that again, so that you know.
” I ease him away and rest my hands on his shoulders.
I hate that I’m the reason he’s crying, but I can’t change the past. “I want to live, baby, for you, for my sister and her family. But mostly for myself. I promise.” He nods, his eyes locked onto mine like he’s trying to see all the way inside me.
“The moment I realized you were gone, I wanted you back.”
“Never hold back from me again,” he croaks, resting his forehead against mine. “Talk to me, use me, but never hold back. Don’t push me away again.”
“I won’t. I promise I won’t.”
“And I promise never to treat you like your ex did. I’ll never abandon you like that. It’s not who I am. I love you, Jett, and I’ll always have your back.”
“I know. I believe you.” I hesitate for a moment. “I want you to meet my therapist, Doctor Lee. I’ve told her about you. That I love you. It would… I think it would be good if you met her.”
“I’d love to,” Wes says against my lips, then brushes a kiss against the corner of my mouth. “Anything.”
I kiss him back. “Now tell me everything about your mom.”
He tells me about that day when he was just a young teenager, and his mom had a seizure. Wes was home alone with her and had to deal with everything. He had to call an ambulance, then reached out to his grandparents, who were out of their minds with worry.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him, kissing away his tears.
“I’ve treated her with kid gloves ever since,” he says, his voice hard. “I’ve treated my own mom like a fucking kid.”
“You were worried.”
He swallows. “I was. So damn much.”
“Maybe you don’t have to be. I mean, I guess you’ll always worry about her because you love her, but maybe it isn’t your responsibility.” I pause. I’ve only met Evie once, but she doesn’t strike me as frail. “Your mom’s pretty fierce.”
Wes chuckles. “She is.” He smiles against my lips. “She says she wants to fall in love, maybe get married one day.”
“She deserves that. Everyone deserves love in their life.”
Wes looks at me with so much tenderness in his eyes. “Like you, babe. You deserve it so much, too, Jett.”
I realize he’s right, this wonderful, gorgeous man who has decided, out of all the people in the world, I’m the one he wants. I do deserve it. I’m ready to accept it, and I’ll spend every second trying to make Wes feel it too, and how ready I am to love him, unafraid and uninhibited.
Wes tugs on my hand. “We should go downstairs. But just so you know, my family probably heard every word.” He raises his voice a tad. “Nosy busybodies, the lot of them.” There’s scrambling from downstairs, then rushed, muffled voices.
I laugh. “I don’t mind. I’m done hiding.”
“That you are. So anyway, how did you know where to find me?”
A blush creeps along my cheeks. “When I couldn’t reach you, I called Mike. I thought if anyone knew where you were, it’d be Dennis.”
Wes’ eyes widen. “Didn’t know you had Mike’s number.”
I rub at my chest, thinking about how I felt when I called Mike. The nerves. The shame, too. “I didn’t. I called the company. Jon picked up, and after a little persuasion, he gave me Mike’s number. I think he could tell I was desperate.”
“Why didn’t you call Dennis instead?” Wes plays with my earring, and the simple touch spreads like wildfire through my body.
“I didn’t think he’d tell me,” I admit. “The two of you seem pretty protective of each other.”
Wes shrugs. “We are, but Dennis also knows I love you.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course. Now c’mon. I think we’ve tortured my family long enough.”
Wes’ grandmother hugs me for the longest time, until Evie pushes her away, narrowing her eyes at me. “D-d-did you… apologize t-to my s-s-son?”
“Jesus, Mom!” Wes blurts, shaking his head, while his granddad snorts.
I laugh at the two of them. They’re the cutest. “I did, Evie.”
She tips her chin forward. “G-g-good. Th-then you g-g-get a… hug.” She lifts onto her toes, engulfing me in a fierce embrace. “D-don’t h-hurt him… a-aa-again,” she whispers against my ear.
“I won’t. I promise.” My eyes lock onto Wes’ over her shoulder, which are watery again. He’s so beautiful, and so fucking strong. What he went through with his mom and now with me. Still, he’s so positive, so relentless in his belief that everything will work itself out.
I ease Evie away from me. “Wes says you need surgery soon.”
“I d-do.”
“I’m really sorry.”
Evie shrugs. “It… is w-w-what it is.”
“Still, it must be frightening.”
She looks at me, tilting her head. “Sss-sometimes ww-we have to go th-thhrough… ssscary stuff to g-g-get t-to the g-g-good part.”
“Yeah.”
“Mm-mmaybe you’ll c-c-come with WWWes w-w-when I have s-surgery.”
Wes pushes away from the kitchen counter. “Mom, Jett can’t do that. He has work.”
“Ssso d-d-d-do… you,” she counters.
I reach for Wes’ hand and thread my fingers through his. “I could come with you, you know?”
He gapes at me, and I pull him closer, snaking my arm around his waist. Leaning in, I mumble into his hair. “We’re done running, remember? From the hard stuff.” Wes relaxes against me. “We only run for fun now.”
He snorts. “Run for fun?”
“You know what I mean.”
He snuggles up against me. “I do. And I’d love for you to come if you want.”
“I want.”
Evie claps her hands together. “I-It’s sss-settled then.”
“You boys must be hungry,” Brenda says, waving at the table. “Sit down. Let’s have some…” She eyes the clock on the wall. “Well, it’s hardly breakfast anymore.”
“It looks great, Grandma.” Wes rubs his hands together, then sits.
He pats the chair next to him, his eyes glinting with happiness.
I sit, and our elbows brush against each other whenever we reach for something or butter our bread.
The simple touch alone, feeling Wes’ solid presence next to me, calms the last remnants of unrest, and I can finally breathe again.
We eat way too much food while we chat about random stuff, like the new restaurant opening down at the marina or how there’s a new cashier at the grocery store who’s very easy on the eyes, according to Evie. His name’s Teddy, and his smile is like sunshine, apparently.
“He’s a little young, Evie,” Robert grunts.
“N-n-no, he’sss not.” Evie crosses her arms over her chest. “Hhhe’s nice and he nnnnever… t-t-tries to rrrush me or… fff-finish my sentences fffor mmme.” Wes’ mom blushes adorably.
Brenda’s eyes soften. “There are worse things than being a little young, Robert.”
“Guess so,” he mumbles, and Wes’ mom beams as she continues to talk about Teddy and how he once gave her a bouquet that he said couldn’t be sold because a few of the buds had snapped off, but they were in perfect condition.
Wes reaches for my hand under the table, and we twine our fingers together. By the end of breakfast, lunch, or whatever, my jaw aches from smiling, but the dull pain in my chest is long gone, replaced by an overwhelming contentment.
When we finish eating, the weather has cleared up. Wes’ family decides to go for a walk along the beach—a long one—like they know we need some alone time.