Chapter 10
‘What’s wrong? Is everything OK?’
‘Nothing!’ I tell an anxious-sounding Naomi. ‘I was just calling to say hi! Why would you assume something is wrong?’
‘Because lately every call from you is a problem or a cry for help.’
I want to protest but she’s right. From the moment I saw Charlie Fox’s Instagram post, I’ve been insufferable. I’m a terrible friend.
‘Yeah, I’m sorry,’ I reply, shamefaced. ‘I’m a tad up my own arse at the moment.’
‘Forgiven,’ she replies. ‘It’s understandable. But since you asked, I’m fine, it’s all good here. We’ve just had dinner. Cottage pie. It was dreadful.’
‘Good to know. Are the boys well?’
‘They are. In fact, Michael got a gold star at school.’
‘He did?’
‘Yep, he drew a family portrait, and they hung it up on the art wall at the school entrance.’
‘Wow, that’s impressive,’ I reply. ‘Did you see it?’
‘Oh yes,’ she replies. ‘His class teacher cornered me in the playground. Michael insisted I view it, practically dragged me into the building.’
‘And?’
‘I mean, I love him so much and I’m glad he has a creative side.’
‘But?’
‘Honestly, it was terrible,’ she informs me. ‘I really had to hold in my laughter, so I didn’t hurt his feelings. And his teacher was there, I didn’t want to look like the worst mother on earth. She already thinks I’m a kook.’
‘Oh my God! What did you say to him?’
‘I was supportive! I told him it was Van Gogh level shit! Even proudly snapped a pic to show his dad. Of course, Philip was no help. Michael proudly showed him, he took one look and left the room. I could hear his muffled laughter coming from the bedroom.’
‘Aw, that’s mean,’ I reply, smirking. ‘He’s six, what do you expect? WhatsApp me the photo. I bet it’s sweet.’
Seconds later it arrives. Naomi remains silent while I cast an eye over it.
‘OK, so I have questions,’ I say, zooming in on the photo.
‘I bet you do.’
‘I assume that green patch is your garden. Why are there seven horses?’
‘No idea. I can confirm that we do not have a herd of horses or anything remotely equestrian.’
My eyes continue squinting at the image. ‘Is that Philip or a tall duck? Why do you live in a pink rocket?’
By now, we’re both wheezing.
‘Your son thinks you look like a llama, I hope you realise this.’
‘It’s like a fever dream,’ she replies. ‘I mean, Grant is no better but at least he knows that the feckin’ sky isn’t purple.’
‘Wait. That’s the sky?’
By the time we both eventually calm down, my face hurts. It’s truly the funniest picture I’ve ever seen. I want it on a T-shirt.
‘So, any progress with the dating?’ she asks. ‘Or is that a stupid question?’
‘Not great,’ I reply, her question instantly flattening my mood.
‘I started on the dating sites and it’s so awkward.
Choosing usernames, trying to be witty, it’s stressful!
I also matched with the same guy on two different sites who used the same chat-up lines on both.
I don’t know how people put themselves through this on a regular basis. ’
‘Yeah, I get that,’ Naomi replies. ‘It sounds soul destroying but at least you’re having a go. What’s next?’
‘Something called Games Night.’
‘That might be fun,’ she says. ‘Maybe you’ll play Hungry Hippos or Guess Who? Ooh, Operation! If a guy has a steady hand, he’s worth pursuing.’
I laugh. Only Naomi could gauge someone’s sexual prowess from a board game.