Chapter 37
In addition to Funkytown, there are also two smaller clubs, which offer different events, from ballroom dancing and cover bands to karaoke.
They also have daytime events for those who just who want something a little more structured, including decade and genre-themed, Abba costume parties and even a silent disco which must look hysterical to those without headphones. Like a mob of zombies with rhythm.
‘Mai tais?’ Harper suggests, her head already bobbing along to a song I don’t recognise.
‘Fuck, yes!’ Jess replies. ‘I’ll give you a hand. Let’s start as we mean to go on.’
Start? I think she means continue on the road she’s already on. I’m not judging, I just need to catch up.
As they disappear to the bar, I take in my surroundings.
I’m surprised to see how retro the nightclub is.
For 2023, I expected something more modern and less kitsch, but it’s a cruise ship, not the Ministry of Sound.
Saying that, I haven’t been to the Ministry in twenty years.
For all I know, these days it might look like a Build a Bear workshop.
Funkytown looks like the club from Saturday Night Fever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
A huge space, around the size of the buffet restaurant, complete with illuminated chequerboard dance floor, rotating disco lights, with stools and plenty of seating dotted around the edge of the floor.
A DJ booth is platformed above the dance floor and I spy guests dancing in cages, just willing go-go dancing to make a long overdue return.
Isla is here. Perched up against the bar, a designer-bearded man at her side.
I’m guessing this is the boyfriend. His black shirt, unbuttoned to his chest, is somewhat fitting with the environment.
All he needs is some flares and a medallion.
He lifts his phone and snaps Isla holding her cocktail, then takes another of Isla from the side, drinking the cocktail.
At least she’s drinking the bloody thing.
‘Mai tais!’ Jess shoves the drink in my face. ‘We drink then we dance.’
The dance floor is already jumping, which is a good thing.
I’m never one to shy away from dancing, even if I’m the first one on the dance floor after a couple of drinks.
And it’s not a case of concerned onlookers yelling for someone to come and get their grandma, I’m actually pretty decent.
I can move. You don’t just forget how to party when you hit forty.
If someone my age can’t dance, then they never could, but that’s fine.
No one needs to be amazing when they hit the floor, participation is far more important.
Harper squeals, announcing that she loves the next song.
I know the next song. It’s 50 Cent. ‘In Da Club’.
I hate it. They used to play it relentlessly in 2003 and it was one of the only songs that both Jason and I hated collectively.
Still, I politely dance along, knowing that in four minutes, I won’t have to participate in Shawty’s non-birthday celebrations any longer.
I’m not sure why I’m surprised. I’ve been forced to listen to an endless barrage of shit music in my room since I got here.
I thought perhaps there would be different music nights, like Hen Party Night or Music You Can Dance in a Line To Night.
I’m all about the cheese. I love Eurovision, for God’s sake.
But I am not about to ‘YMCA’ my arse across the dance floor.
I continue to dance anyway, moving back to the edge of the floor, pretending I don’t know the actions to the ‘Macarena’ and genuinely not having a clue what the ‘Electric Slide’ is.
Maybe it wasn’t big in the UK or maybe I just blocked it out.
Harper and Jess obviously don’t feel the same and neither do the men who’ve been hanging around them the entire time.
I feel heartened to know that there are single men on this trip, even if they’re not remotely interested in looking my way.
Another three drinks later, around 11.30 p.m., I’m happy to hear them play some eighties and nineties retro: Donna Summer, New Order, Heavy D, Backstreet Boys and even some Kylie, which I absolutely return to the floor for.
But that doesn’t last and by the time ‘You’re the One that I Want’ from Grease comes on, I know it’s probably time to leave.
Even I’m not drunk enough to dance to that.
After a brief discussion on which member of the Spice Girls they’d want to be, I say my goodbyes to Harper and Jess, thanking them for the invite.
At least I think it’s them, it is very dark.
Sloshed and sweaty, I make my way out onto the deck for some fresh air, leaving the opening notes to Shania Twain’s ‘Man, I Feel Like a Woman’ behind me.
But as soon as I’m outside, I realise that this is the smoking area.
Looking up, I see my balcony, planted directly into the path of rising fumes, and feel conflicted.
This deck is the reason I cannot sit on my balcony, missing out on the beautiful night-time views.
I plop down onto a bench and kick my shoes off.
‘Taking a breather?’
Ellis wanders over to me, his voiced raised above the music.
‘Ellis! So good to see you,’ I exclaim, like I didn’t just spend half the day with him. ‘I have decided that my dancing talents are wasted on the young.’
‘Too much cha-cha sliding?’ he asks playfully. ‘It’s not really my idea of a good time, but sometimes you just have to go with it.’
‘I refuse to go anywhere with it. It’s like . . . you know the utter despair you feel when you’re forced to untangle headphones? I would rather do that for the rest of my life.’
‘I wear Airpods.’
‘Well, I wear Samsung buds. Arch enemies. We should fight now.’
He parks himself down beside me and smiles.
‘I see you’ve been taking advantage of the free booze.’
‘I feel like the free booze has been taking advantage of me.’
He looks down at his beer. ‘I feel like I should be catching up.’
‘What did you do tonight?’ I enquire. ‘I went to the seafood restaurant.’
‘Did you have the red snapper?’ he asks. ‘It’s really good.’
‘No, I don’t like fish all that much,’ I reply, hiccupping. ‘It’s very flat.’
‘I had some dinner and drinks,’ he replies. ‘Chatted with some of the staff. Apparently one of the servers got her arse handed to her. They love a good gossip, I think I’m too old for that now.’
‘Nonsense,’ I reply indignantly. ‘You’re only as old as you are.’
He snorts at my level of utter ridiculousness. ‘It’s a bit smoky around here,’ he says. ‘Shall we move up a bit?’
‘God, do not mention the smoke,’ I grumble. ‘Between that and this club, I’ve hardly been able to say hello to my balcony.’
‘Really? Why? Where’s your room?’
I point up. ‘Right there. The one currently engulfed in a cloud of cigar smoke.’
‘Ah,’ he says. ‘You got a guaranteed cabin, huh?’
I nod. ‘I thought it was too good to be true. I hate being right all the time.’
‘These cabins are fine for people who only use their room to sleep,’ Ellis says. ‘You know, the leave at breakfast, quick nap and change clothes for the evening kind of folks.’
‘Have you ever tried sleeping over a nightclub?’ I ask. ‘It’s grimmer than actually being inside a nightclub.’
He laughs. ‘Damn, you got a shit room, Soapy.’
‘Never call me that again.’
My attention briefly moves towards people laughing loudly at someone who apparently lit their cigarette at the wrong end.
‘Fuck it, I’ll manage. Maybe they sell ear plugs here. And nose plugs. Maybe a fire extinguisher with a sniper crosshair . . .’
I scoop up my shoes and we move a few feet to the next seating area. While I sit, Ellis stands at the railings, taking a deep breath. ‘Had the chance to look at the sea at night?’ he asks. ‘It’s quite something.’
‘A man watched me at the beach and then told me about it. To my face. Irish guy. Hairy arms.’
Ellis stops admiring the view. ‘He did what?’
‘Can you believe it? He knew everything. He watched me get chased by a bee and didn’t even help.’
‘Sophie, did you report this? That’s creepy as hell.’
‘Of course,’ I reply, getting up to join him. ‘Tonight I am the defender of women everywhere. If I see him again, you can hold my earrings while I fight him.’
He’s right about the sea. It’s as black as the night sky, only broken up by the white crest of the waves as the ship speeds through. Even the noise from the club doesn’t drown out the rushing sound. Even inebriated, I can still appreciate it.
‘Yeah, it is definitely something,’ I reply. ‘Beautiful . . . and utterly terrifying.’
He laughs. ‘Terrifying? You think? Maybe I’m just used to it.’
‘Absolutely!’ I exclaim. ‘Before I came, I was joking with my friend about falling off the ship, but the longer I stand here, the more of a possibility it becomes. I could launch myself off in a moment of madness. YOU could push me off!’
‘In front of all these people?’
‘Maybe you’re a crazy person who enjoys murder and jail, I don’t know. But I’d have at least half an hour of frantically treading water to consider your motives.’
He looks over the side again. ‘If it’s any consolation, from here you’d probably just hit one of the several decks below. Maybe a lifeboat. That guy in the white baseball cap might cushion the fall.’
‘Nope,’ I reply. ‘That’s no comfort at all.’
He turns to face me. ‘Do you always worry so much about things that’ll never happen?’
‘Always,’ I reply with a confident head bob.
Then I pause to reconsider. ‘Actually, that’s a lie.
I’m not usually like this. But recently I have discovered that I live in a bubble.
I’m very comfortable in the bubble. There are no surprises within the bubble.
’ My arms wave around, gesticulating the bubble’s sphere of protection.
‘So, you like to be in control. That’s not a bad thing.’
‘It is a bad thing when you’re out here on a ship, but that ship is not in the bubble, and you have no idea how to sail the ship.’
‘Cruise ships don’t have sails.’
‘Don’t you come at me with facts.’
‘Bad Guy’ by Billie Eilish starts playing in the nightclub. He laughs as I start to dance. I don’t mean to, my body just reacts all by its little drunken self.
‘Why are you laughing?’ I ask, grabbing onto the railing as I wobble. ‘You don’t dance?’
‘Nope.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because people will see me,’ he replies. He smiles as I shimmy. ‘I can tell that you do not have the same reservations as I do.’
The song ends and we both head back over to sit on the bench. ‘Today was fun,’ I tell him. ‘Though you’ll be sick of the sight of me.’
‘Not at all,’ he replies. ‘You’re a blast. It’s not exactly a hardship.’
‘A blast!’ I repeat. ‘I’ll take that.’
‘You’re also a very endearing drunk,’ he laughs. ‘It’s rare.’
‘We should take a photo.’
‘We should?’
‘Yes! For posterity. You can tell your grandchildren about the strange woman who lived in a bubble.’
I hold up my phone. Two clicks.
I laugh as I look at the snaps. ‘Look at you all handsome and put together. You look like my parole officer.’
‘Shut up, you look great,’ he replies. ‘I’d go so far as to say beautiful . . . if you didn’t have half a cocktail down your dress.’
I cackle. ‘In my defence, that was spilled on me, not by me. Besides, you can edit that out. There’s an old Spanish lady on board who’s a Photoshop expert.’
We sit for a second, just looking at the photo.
‘You think I’m beautiful?’
‘I do.’
‘Get you, all in love with me. Now look, I know I’m drunk but I really need to ask you something. It’s been on my mind for a while.’
‘Sophie,’ he begins. ‘I really like you but I’m just not—’
‘Pineapples.’
He furrows his brow. ‘Sorry, what?’
‘What the fuck is going on with the pineapples?’
I stagger back to my room, hoping that I still have some bottled water in the mini fridge to mitigate the effects of this incoming hangover.
Spending most of the day with Ellis has been fun but it’s been a weird day overall.
I do not have confidence that this is the place I’ll meet someone.
I’m more likely to be swept away than swept off my feet.
To: Alex Steward
RE: Hello!
Hellooo,
FYI, I might be durnk but this is the weird place to meet anyone and I believe its warranted. You cannot ecape creepy men, even in the middle of the ocean.
I went to Amalfi and Pompeii today. Have you seen any stairs lately?
No, because they’re all there. Trillions of them.
My mum was also there on her own cruise!
Can you believe it? She successful embarrassed me infront of my friend but did have a nice dress on so whatever.
At dinner I stood up for a nice gril with a horrible boss. Oh, and I went dancing.
Good times but I’m not sure this is what you had in mind while writing your article. The lack of available men here is concerning, I just thought you should kno thi.Bye bue