Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
JOEY
Chase
Can I come over?
Joey
Why?
I want to check on you
See how you’re doing
Did Mom and Dad send you?
No
Fine
Max will want to see you
How about I come over after dinner?
That works
Itoss my phone aside and go back to making tacos for Max. It’s the only thing I have the attention span for at the moment.
Because anger and heartbreak are swirling together inside of me, and I don’t know which one is winning.
Heartbreak over losing Sam, or anger at both my dad and Sam for not letting me make my own decision.
“Mommy, can we have guac too?”
“Let me see if we have any.”
I open the fridge and it’s down to the bare bones. With everything else going on, I’ve forgotten to go to the store. Maybe I can convince Chase to watch Max so I can go without my son in tow.
“Here we go.”
I pull out a tub that is still fresh—thank God—and finish making dinner.
“I love tacos,” Max says, digging into his food.
“I’m glad.”
I ruffle his hair as I go back to the kitchen to fix myself a plate. Even though I’m not hungry.
It’s been like this for the last week. No appetite, not being able to sleep, only thinking about Sam.
Anytime he’s supposed to come to the lodge to pick up guests, he sends one of the ranch hands.
I haven’t laid eyes on him in far too long.
I thought I was heartbroken before, but it pales in comparison to what I’m feeling now.
I try to eat my own dinner, but it’s hard. I force it down, chugging a glass of water to try and clear my head.
A knock sounds at the door before my brother and Rylee come inside.
“Uncle Chase!” Max runs up to my brother and wraps his arms around his legs. “Did you come to play with me?”
“Of course, buddy. I just need to talk to your mom first.”
“Yes. I’ll get my games.”
Max tears off toward his room as Rylee and Chase walk over to me.
“Are you okay?” Chase asks, dropping a kiss onto the crown of my head.
“We’re worried about you,” Rylee says, pulling me in for a hug.
“Sure you’re not checking to see if anyone else is here?”
I hate the bitterness that laces my tone, but I don’t need anyone acting as a spy for my parents.
“Hey. I wouldn’t do that to you, sis,” Chase says. “Rylee said you missed girls’ night this week, and Reenie stopped by the bar to tell me she’s worried about you.”
“Ugh.” I bury my face in my hands. “I wish everyone would butt out of my life.”
“Can we play Hippos?” Max asks, carrying the box with him into the living room.
“Sure.”
Chase helps him set the game up before they start attacking the tiny balls with the hippos.
“At least we can talk without being overheard,” Rylee laughs.
“As long as there’s no judgment. I’m getting enough of that from my parents.”
“Whoa.” Rylee throws her hands up in defense. “I’m not judging you, babe.”
“Ugh. Sorry.” I rub my eyebrows, trying to rid myself of an ever-present headache. “It’s been a rough week.”
“Talk to me.”
“What’s there to say? I fell in love with the wrong man, my dad won’t talk to me, Sam won’t talk to me, and I feel like I’m walking around in a daze.”
“Oh, babe.”
“And to top it all off, I’ve been chain-eating mini-Twix.”
“Okay, well, why don’t we start with not eating all the Twix and maybe try to problem solve the situation?”
Tears well in my eyes as I press the heels of my hands to try and stop the flow. I’ve kept it together around Max all week, and I don’t want him to see me cry.
“What can I do? Sam won’t talk to me, and if he does, he’ll probably tell me we can’t do this because he doesn’t want to come between me and my family.”
“It’s clear you love him.”
My bruised heart gives a painful throb in my chest. “What does it matter?”
“What does it matter?” Rylee parrots back. “You’ve always wanted someone in your life, and I believe Sam is that person for you.”
“He won’t be with me if it means ruining my relationship with Dad. And my dad hasn’t spoken to me since he found us together.”
She winces. “I’m not going to lie; it’s not great.”
“See.” I look over at Max and he’s still occupied with my brother, starting another round of their game. “Even you know it’s bad and I haven’t really told anyone.”
“We’ll get back to you lying to your friends about who you were dating.”
“Not lying. I told you I was seeing someone. I just didn’t say who.”
“I can see why.”
I look down, picking at my chipped nail polish. God, everything hurts right now. All I want is to be with Sam. To go back to when all of us were at the carnival together and he won Max his giant tomato.
I confess the one thing that I hope my best friend will understand.
“I loved him, Rylee. I still do. It wasn’t just some fling. All I want is him.” I wipe a furious tear away. “What’s so wrong about wanting a life with the person you love?”
“Oh, Joey.” Rylee pulls me into her arms and it’s the last straw.
I break down. Big, heaving sobs rack my body. I wish I could stop it, but I can’t.
“Mommy, are you okay?” Max runs over, concern etched on his face.
“Sorry, sweetheart. Mommy misses someone. That’s all.”
“I don’t miss you because I’m here. I love you.” He wraps me in a hug and it goes a long way toward soothing my tattered soul.
“Not as much as I love you.”
He smells like dirt and the lingering smell of his soap from his bath. I breathe him in as I hug him, and Rylee hugs us both.
“Does anyone want ice cream? I feel like this could use some ice cream,” Chase says.
“I do! I do!” Max exclaims. “I want ice cream with sprinkles.”
“You got it, buddy. Come help me.”
Chase lifts him into his arms and carries him into the kitchen.
“Are you going to be okay?” Rylee asks, wiping my tears.
“Not right now, but eventually.”
Maybe. I hope at least. Because this feeling of a shattered heart clanking around in my chest is the worst feeling in the world. Having to pick myself up every day and be the best mom I can be for my son isn’t easy when I feel like this.
“It’ll get better, I promise.”
“Until then, there’s always candy.”
She laughs. “Maybe don’t binge all the candy. You don’t want to feel sick on top of it.”
“I’d hate for the bag I just bought to go to waste.”
“Do I need to go steal it from you? Give it to Max so you don’t eat it?”
I point a finger at her, laughing. “If you do, I’m disowning you. He does not need that much sugar.”
“You would never. Who else would be here to pick you up when you’re blue?”
“Who’s blue?” Max asks, scooting his chair out to sit in his booster seat. A big bowl of ice cream now waits for him.
“Your favorite TV show dog.”
“Can I watch TV?” he asks, a bright smile on his face.
“You know the rule. No TV on a school night.”
“Nuts,” he says, before digging into his bowl.
“I made you a bowl, sis,” Chase says, bringing me some.
“Thanks.”
“Listen, we’ll get out of your hair,” Rylee says, “but if you need us, you know where we are.”
“Thanks.”
I give them both a hug and watch as they leave together.
Together.
Something I’ll never get back with Sam. All because my dad made a snap decision about the two of us.
Without knowing the true depth of our feelings.
Feelings I’ve only ever felt with Sam and will only ever feel with him.