Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
Brooke
A wave of nausea rolled through Brooke as the word vomit kept spilling from her lips.
Now she’d started, she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t even blame the wine—she’d only had a sip before casting it aside.
Brooke’s heart hammered, but JJ’s solid brown eyes were warmth, comfort and caring all rolled into one.
They pulled the words from her. Words she’d tamped down, the ones she didn’t want to hear.
Brooke’s free hand traced the edge of the hot tub seat.
“Some part of me thought coming back home would be different. I thought enough time had passed that everything would be magically fixed. I thought I was fixed. I rocked up on Hayley’s doorstep—because that’s the kind of person I am now: the Queen of Spontaneity and Adventure—thinking I’d crash with her for a bit, give myself some time, then decide what my next steps would be.
Instead, my confidence dissolved into nightmares, flashbacks and this sense of hopelessness.
I hadn’t felt anything like it in a long time. ”
Heat filled Brooke’s body. She dropped her chin, staring at their joined hands underwater as they shimmered with the water’s movement. The hands blurred.
“After everything I’d done, everything I’d achieved while travelling full time—all I had to my name was myself and my backpack.
I saw Hayley’s house, her wife and her life, and suddenly I was the little sister again.
The one who wasn’t enough, who didn’t fit the mould, who was a bit out there.
It made me realise how little I’d made of myself and how much I still don’t fit in with the Mayfields.
I don’t have the accolades, the house or the partner, I just have… me. That’s all I’ve ever had.”
Brooke took a shaky breath then clamped her mouth shut. Her chin needed to stop quivering. The flush of heat intensified, rippling in waves down her arms and up her neck.
Brooke’s eyes lifted back to JJ, then past her, to the blurry, blurry stars.
Fuck. I’m a mess.
“So, yeah, it’s not Hayley. She’s never done anything but be her perfect self.”
JJ reached forward and wiped at her cheek. “Brooke, I don’t think there’s anything about you that needs to be fixed or made differently to fit some mould. There’s nothing wrong with just being you; that’s more than enough. It’s admirable.”
“I don’t think so,” Brooke said through a watery laugh, swiping at her own eyes.
“I’m serious. I don’t think Hayley expects you to be anything else either. I’m sure if you did talk, you’d find—”
“I can’t.” Brooke stiffened, a pain pulsing between her shoulder blades.
“Okay.” JJ twisted her lips to the side. “So, it’s not that you don’t want to. Why do you think you can’t?”
“I freeze up. It’s all in my head and nothing comes out. Or I’m an absolute bitch. I’m not delusional, I know I’m doing it, but I can’t stop it. It’s like a bad reflex.”
Her stomach churned, wringing itself tight. Just the thought of…
JJ shifted closer, facing Brooke, her leg now pressed against Brooke’s thigh, their hands still clasped. “Okay, well you’re talking to me now. If I was Hayley, what would you want to say to her?”
Brooke watched the bubbles in the water in a slow trance. What would she say? She closed her eyes. JJ interlocked their fingers, thumb stroking the skin. Brooke’s heart slowed.
She steadied her breath then straightened and focused on JJ. On those warm brown eyes.
“I’d say…” Brooke let out a slow, wavering breath.
“I’m sorry I left and never properly kept in touch.
I wanted to, but I never knew how. We never properly talked, even when I was home.
I never thanked you for all the things you did for me, because I could never get past the fact Mum and Dad liked you and Steven more than me.
I know that’s not your fault, but my brain doesn’t let me see it that way, no matter how many times I remind myself.
You were always there for me, even now, when I know I have been absolutely horrible to you.
If you want to start over, I’d really like a chance to be a proper sister. ”
JJ’s eyes shined. “Wow. I think—uh—man. She’d really appreciate those words, Brooke.”
“But it’s you, so it’s different. It’s weird, but you make it easy. I wouldn’t be able to say any of that to her.”
JJ squeezed her hand. “What if you wrote it down instead? Say what you just told me but put it in a letter. Sometimes when I’m emotionally vulnerable—like if I’ve got a really horrible client or had a bad work mishap and I know I’m angry or frustrated, I’ll always make sure I write my response out rather than calling or doing a face-to-face meeting.
Say if it’s an email, I’ll write it out, sleep on it, then edit it the next day when I’ve calmed down—take out that layer of emotion, and say what truly needs to be said. ”
That almost sounded easy. Doable.
“I guess I could try. I’ve never thought of that. Thank you.” Brooke inched forwards, lips pressing to JJ’s. So soft. They held a moment and Brooke melted into the touch. Warmth. Comfort. She almost sighed before pulling away. JJ’s eyes fluttered open, face slack.
“I appreciate the advice.” Her head dropped, a smile flickering.
“Anytime,” JJ said, releasing Brooke’s hand and picking up her wine. “So, crappy parents huh?”
Brooke’s insides twisted. So much for that being the end of the conversation.
“You don't know the half of it.” She kept it light. Tree tops. “They’re academics, involved in everything under the sun that can take time away from family. If you were getting straight A’s and talking about university, they were all ears; otherwise, have fun trying to get their attention.”
“Ah. Those types. Couldn't imagine why you'd want to just pack your bags and leave that behind.” JJ smirked.
She wasn’t wrong.
Brooke leaned on the edge of the tub, goosebumps prickling her arm as a crisp breeze blew past. “What's your family like?”
JJ swirled the wine in her glass, lips ticking up. “We’re super close. My gran lives out the back in a granny flat and loves driving my parents mental. I try to visit a few times a week.”
“A week! Whoa. Sounds like my idea of hell.” Brooke laughed, then added, “Though, it sounds nice to have a close family like that.”
“Maybe I’ll drag you around some time. Change your mind. Dare I say, you might even enjoy it.” JJ quirked an eyebrow and took a sip of her wine, only half-wincing. “They don’t bite, promise. Gran would love to show off her garden to someone new.”
“I’ll think about it.” She was flattered JJ thought she was good enough to bring over to meet her family. “Do you usually take your dates to see your gran’s garden?”
JJ looked away. “Dates—no. Friends—yes.”
Brooke sat back. Right, she was a friend to JJ, and this was a holiday fling. Why did she feel almost… disappointed? She wasn’t looking for a relationship either, so why would it matter that JJ didn’t see her as dating quality?
Brooke’s lips pulled tight. That was fine, because she didn’t date, so it didn’t matter. This is what she wanted, who she was.
“Is there a reason you don’t bring dates over to meet your family?” Brooke asked.
JJ scratched at the back of her neck. “Over the last couple of years they've been a bit more vocal about me settling down with someone. It’s like they saw the ticking clock as I reached my mid-thirties. I used to brush it off, but it started to get to me after a while. Started playing on my mind. When I began to date properly, I thought it’d get them off my back, but it only made it worse. Now they ask even more questions.”
“Tell them to back off,” Brooke said simply.
“I can't do that.”
“Sure you can. It's your life, do whatever the hell you want. Not what someone else says is best for you.”
“They mean well.” JJ shrugged.
“If they love you as much as you say they do, they should also respect your boundaries. If you don't want to talk dating with them, just say that's private or you want to keep that to yourself.”
“I just don’t want to upset them.” JJ fidgeted with the stem of her wine glass.
“JJ—while these people are your family, they don’t get to dictate how you live your life based on how they feel. They don’t get to control when and how you date. They don’t get to make you feel less than if you tell them the truth or put a rule in place. You are your own person.”
JJ stared into her wine, swishing it around.
Her eyebrows knitted together. “I do want to date, but it’s been nice to be away from that pressure.
Both from my family and with dating as fast as I was before we left.
Even though we’ve been doing so much on this trip, it’s weirdly felt like I’ve been slowing down. ”
“Do you know why that is?”
JJ shook her head lightly, frown still in place.
Brooke’s hands danced on top of the water’s surface. “When we get stuck into habits, or everyday life, it can seem like life speeds up. Every day is frantic. Every day becomes monotonous. Forgettable. Your head hits the pillow. Alarm goes off. Repeat.”
“Why do I feel like you’re recapping my life at home?” JJ chuckled and raked her hand across her shaved hair.
“Because I probably am. But going away on holiday and having new experiences literally slows down time. It’s called the Novelty Effect.
It’s one reason I think I’m so addicted to travel.
Chasing those dopamine hits of a new place has to be healthier than scrolling on our phones or working the same job—day in, day out. No offence.” Brooke winced.
“None taken. You’re right. I can whole-heartedly say I’ve felt nothing but the Novelty Effect since we left. It’s like magic.”
“It is. You should look up ways you can squeeze some novelty into your life when you’re back.”
“Maybe I need to keep you around to plan that for me.” JJ winked.
Brooke’s stomach fluttered. Did JJ really mean that?