Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
“Bye, sweet girls! Miss you already!”
Dirty fingers jab at the screen, missing the End button again and again.
I grin and call out to their mom. “Bye, Miss Ayesha! Thanks for letting them call!”
Nannying these girls over break was the best decision I’ve ever made.
Imani did my makeup every afternoon. Nyla is probably still convinced her princess wand holds magic power.
The most precious little girls to love on.
A cause to plan an adventure every day. And a reason to escape my own house.
I miss those cuties. Their joy and giggles kept me afloat.
“Sure thing, Sophie. The girls haven’t stopped talking about you since you went back to school.”
When the call ends, my screen lands on the playlist I was building when the girls FaceTimed.
Still smiling, I name it Bops for Big Sisters in Withdrawal just as Leo texts that he’s outside.
I adjust the song order and shoot the playlist to our suite text chain before heading for the hall.
Kit will love it, but Mia especially has seemed off since we got back.
With that, I stash my phone and push through the stairwell door.
“Hey,” Leo says, jerking. “Uh. I think we should break up.”
The door slips from my fingers to slam behind me. My mouth falls open. He pops his knuckles at his sides.
“Oh.”
He rustles his hair and then finally grabs his scooter.
“You don’t want to talk about it?” I ask.
“I’m guessing you really don’t.”
Guilty. I use every ounce of willpower to conceal my relief—at the breakup, at the brevity, at the hope of a quick escape.
But morbid curiosity wins out. “Is this about the kiss?”
He grips the handles, shifting his weight. “No. My buddies at home told me to have some self-respect. Threatened to dump you for me if I couldn’t.” He huffs. “I guess … I guess I thought I could prove them wrong yesterday. I’m sorry I did that.” He tries to smile.
When he meets my gaze, the relief freezes in an instant.
I’m a monster. This sweet guy deserved so much better than I gave him.
Music blares in my ears, drowning out my thoughts. My hands stay busy, touching up my “effortless” curls—Mom would call them messy—at a sink in our suite hallway. I watch like a hawk for Kit to glide around the corner, almost burning my fingers on the curling iron.
But my thoughts break through anyway. The guilt.
Kind, gentle Leo. I could just let this quick-and-easy breakup be the end of it, chalk it up to another Sophie dumpster fire.
But I can’t let it go to waste. I have to shape up.
It’s one thing to be a one-woman disaster, but I can’t rope in unsuspecting nice guys. No more collateral damage.
The second I see her, my curling iron clatters onto the counter and I rip out a headphone. “Kit! Do you know how to two-step?”
She flinches, eyes clamping shut as she yanks her books to her chest.
“Ah!” I whisper. “Sorry!”
I know better than to surprise her like that. More guilt tightens in my fists.
She counts under her breath, grounding herself, then looks up with an apologetic smile.
I grimace. “You okay? Sorry.”
“You’re good, Sophs. Don’t worry.”
I scared her out of her skin, and she’s the one comforting me.
“Two-step?” Her Megan Fox eyes squint into slits as she kicks her flats off into her room. “That’s a country dance, right?”
“Yeah. You’re all huggy snuggy with Levi now, so dancing should be a go?”
Her dimples deepen. There it is. She’s picturing herself dancing with Levi, the guy she’s majorly gushy over and finally dating.
Clapping, I nearly squeal. But then I remember Leo. And I hate myself more than ever. I should feel sad. Some sadness is just respectable.
But my feet take off in a grapevine to the left. “I found some YouTube tutorials. And also some line dances.” Grapevine to the right. Clap. Selling both of us on this. I need it.
And air. And space. And a notable lack of further damage.
Kit’s books land on her desk with a satisfying clunk. Ayumi’s not in the room they share. Weird—she always is.
“I’m sure Austin’s already mentioned it.” Kit pulls out her phone. “But let me text Levi really quick.”
I shift my weight from foot to foot. “It’s our standing Saturday time. I’m sure he’s free.”
It’s obvious the second he texts back because she emits sunbeams. Someone roll over a solar panel and we’ll cancel fossil fuels here and now.
“Mamma Mia!” I call.
No answer. Not in the suite. We’ll loop her in later—this can’t wait. I will not miss out on couples dancing with Austin. For the first time in months, I won’t even have to feel guilty for not inviting Leo. Except, the same day as—
No. I wave my thoughts away.
“Where’s Ayumi been?” I ask.
“Um, she’s been making some new friends …”
Weird. Except not. She never liked me. Barely said a word when I was in the room. Pretty sure I’m too loud. Too … much.
But dancing. It will be the best possible distraction … unless Austin brings a date. My nails pause mid-tap on the counter. Torture, though nothing undeserved. But no—he never brings dates to our friend stuff. I let out a breath and continue tapping.
“You okay?” Kit asks from her doorway. “You seem off.”
Relentlessly insightful Kit. Only-child life did not prepare me for someone to be so deep in my business without permission. Or ever.
“Fine,” I say with another wave of my hand.
She’s always bummed when I don’t spill, but not everyone gets to grow up with Lorelai Gilmore for a mom.
In my house, feelings weren’t just unwelcome.
They were a liability. Besides, Kit has zero place to talk.
It took her months to fess up about her secrets.
And more importantly, she couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to be me.
Perfect Little Kit. The perfect relationship.
The perfect curves I would kill for. The perfect blend of meek yet conversational.
Disciplined and focused, with plans for the future.
The polished, effortless presence Mom always tried—and failed—to instill in my restless body.
My eyes flutter closed. I know Kit deserves better. She does. And I hate this train of thought—she wouldn’t dream of thinking this way about someone else. But the unfairness sticks like gum to my shoe.
Shake it off. “Lounge?”
“I have an entire dance studio, Sophs. Let’s make use of it.”
“Ooh yesss. Magic boyfriend present.”
She nods dreamily.
With a flourish, I lyric-swap some Golden Hour by JVKE, “It was just two lovers—fixin’ up the barre, she was seein’ stars, crushin’ on each other …”
She bends over in a laugh. And then belts out the rest of “Golden Hour” with me while she toes back into her flats and I tie my high tops. Kit’s super fun. It’s not her fault she’s everything my parents wished I was.
And she’s been a really amazing friend. Like when she got Levi to coach Leo.
Well. At first I hated that she felt the need to help me catch a guy’s attention when Sir Levi himself was all about her on Day One.
But it turned out that Leo just liked me to the point of speechlessness.
He always felt so outmatched being with me. And now even he’s gone.
I wasted my sweet relationship with Leo wishing for something I shouldn’t even want.
Something that would destroy me. Falling for Austin wouldn’t be dating—it’d be jumping out of a plane with a bedsheet.
A beautiful thrill… until I crash-land in the middle of nowhere, stranded with nothing but the echo of my mother saying she told me so.
Best-case scenario? He’d move on after two dates and add me to the slew of gorgeous girls he immediately forgets. A compliment, sure—but it would still pummel my heart with the force of an industrial meat tenderizer.
Worst case? He wouldn’t. And I’d end up stuck. In his small town. In his picture-perfect life. The mistake he’d spend his life trying to justify.
So I’ll just go ahead and add my feelings for him to my list of aimless screwups. Mom could add a hundred more without blinking.
Tears threaten at my throat, but I clear them away with a swig from my water bottle and grab my tripod. Two-stepping. Line dancing. Video while we’re at it.
“Song choices?” Kit pushes open the suite door.
“Austin’s dancing spot is super authentic, so I was thinking old school. ‘Check Yes or No’?”
“Awww. My dad loves nineties country. I’ve been properly indoctrinated.”
“Aca-believe it.”
We exit Griffin Hall and aim for the gym at the southwest corner of campus.
Kit jumps when a tailgate is slammed shut. My heart cracks for her. I don’t give her enough credit for everything she’s been through lately.
“How’s the counseling going?” I ask. “If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Oh. I don’t mind. I’m kind of … conflicted about it.”
“Conflicted?”
The truck rolls forward as a pack of guys in purple holler from the back. Must be some Club floor thing. They have even more weird traditions than Flooders.
“I mean, I had to see someone. I needed a professional opinion about my trauma stuff and strategies for fighting my freakouts. But she kind of … I dunno.” Her eyebrows press together. “When you were talking to her, did she ever talk about her past?”
“Her past … I think it came up sometimes. Like, what about it?”
Jenny and some friends wave across the street. I blow a dramatic kiss instead of stopping. Jenny and Kit are not worlds I want to blend. Let’s just say their Venn diagram would have a very small middle.
“She’s been talking about her divorce. And now she works with women who have been emotionally abused.
It really doesn’t have to do with my symptoms or experiences, so at first I thought we were just getting to know each other.
But then she started asking about Levi. And yeah, he was the catalyst for more than his fair share of flashbacks, but it wasn’t his fault.
She kind of … Anyway, it’s clear she doesn’t like him.
She expects the worst from him when I tell her a story. ”
“Huh. Yeah, I remember she said she was married before. I never had a serious boyfriend, so maybe that’s why that stuff didn’t come up.
We mostly talked about my parents and depression stuff.
” This is a great pregame for line dancing.
Nothing lifts the mood like my unresolved family issues and history of mental health concerns.
We cross campus under a grayish January sky, shoes scuffing against the sidewalk.
The grass is winter worn but still stretches from path to path like the school’s version of wall-to-wall carpet.
Redbrick buildings flank us like a Hallmark movie set, and students zigzag in every direction—hammocking between oak trees, tossing frisbees, sprinting in superhero capes for some floor tradition I’ll never understand.
The whole place feels like it’s seconds away from bursting into a town-wide musical number.
So chipper. Almost choreographed. I love every square inch of it.
“I’ve never seen so much grass. How are they allowed to have this much grass?”
A pause as she recalibrates. “You don’t have grass back home?”
“No one does. Droughts and water restrictions, ya know—until it floods.” I flick my wrist to explain. “Meanwhile in East Texas, a college campus is built like a golf course.”
Silence. Probably stuck in her head again.
No exotic flowers or sculpted succulents here—just dozens of oaks and pines and quiet, earnest flowerbeds.
Compared to Pasadena, where the sidewalks were just swarmed with people watching the parade, this place feels practically deserted.
Like I’ve stumbled into Stars Hollow or Virgin River or some other magical town where the locals are quirky and know your breakfast order.
Maybe Mayberry offers summer classes. I could stay on campus and avoid a summer like Christmas break. I’d miss the beach and nannying the girls, but that’s a price I’d have to pay. And the Gulf is just a few hours south—definitely road trip-able. I wonder if Austin will be around.
“Can I ask you something?” Kit says.
“Yeah, shoot.”
“Do you think Levi is bad for me?”
I eye her like she grew a second nose. “Come again?”
“I mean, I’ve asked my mom, but she’s only ever heard about him from me. But you see us together every day. What do you think?” She blinks up at me, so trusting.
I can’t believe Perfect Little Kit wants my opinion. “You and Levi are nothing less than relationship goals. Like Flynn Rider and Rapunzel—post haircut. You’re sorta overly clingy and ooey gooey, but I didn’t even think a relationship could be so … sweet. It’s weird that you’re doubting it.”
“Okay,” she says quietly. “So … Levi isn’t domineering or demanding or abusive? From your view?”
“Seriously? No. He’s a little pleased with himself. Kinda bossy sometimes, but not to you. He bends over backward to make you happy, doesn’t he? Am I missing something?”
“That’s what I keep wondering. He’s not perfect, but he’s amazing.”
“What did Dr. Shannon say? She must really not like him to have you all tangled up like this.”
“Well, she’s said lots of things, but this last time I happened to mention that I didn’t leave lunch early enough on Wednesday to get across campus in time. She asked what Levi would say if I insisted on leaving earlier. Implied I should test him on it.”
The truck previously full of Club guys is now parked along the campus loop by the pond. We can’t see much from here, but loud chanting signals some crazy ritual.
“Sounds like they’re channeling Betty White and Sandra Bullock over there,” I say.
Kit’s serious expression melts into a laugh. “I can only hope they’re dancing Proposal-style.”
She holds the gym door open for me, and we swipe our cards on our way to her studio. The smell of lemon and sanitizer hits, and I compulsively check the weight area for Austin.
“Do you think testing Levi is bad?” she asks.
“It’d be more of a test for her than for him, wouldn’t it? Tell him you have to leave lunch early and just see what happens. It’ll give you a quick answer on whether she’s seeing something you’re missing.”
“Huh. Okay.”
What am I doing giving relationship advice? I know less than nothing about that subject. And she’s got her forever guy wrapped around her finger. The familiar sludge slides into my stomach.
The dance. Just figure out the dance, and I’ll be on to the next thing.