Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Sophie
Are you going to study group tonight?
Nope
Truth is, I can’t fit any more friend groups in my life right now. I’m already past capacity. Besides, Sophie lost her marbles about Lily that one time. I don’t need her reading into anything.
You can go if you want?
Can I come talk to you for a minute?
Yeah but I have to leave soon. Come with?
This is the trickiest thing with Sophie.
If I had it my way, I’d narrow my life down to our six, keep things simple.
It’s like she needs me to have a life of my own so she feels free to live hers.
Tonight I just want to watch basketball.
Melt into my couch and eat my bodyweight in beef jerky. Do nothing for once.
My life was already full before Sophie. Bible time every day—no skipping.
Engineering classes that are no joke. Floor activities running nearly around the clock: soccer twice a week, late-night hangs, campus events, pranks.
Bro time with Levi and Haymitch whenever we can.
Gym every day or I feel like a slug, especially with no football pushing me.
Two nights a week locked in for coaching G1’s football team.
Not complaining—my heart gets rebooted every five minutes when Sophie grins at me from the field.
Problem is, it’s all adding up. No time left to recover.
I want to be with her as much as I can. I want her obnoxiously happy.
Every spare minute I can find goes to making her laugh, planning over-the-top adventures, turning her world into a perfect dream.
Time to cross the field and avoid texting weirdness, but when I get to Griffin, she’s already outside, clutching her bag. She waves me over—all bounce and affection. Sophie.
“Hey, Soph. When are you leaving?”
“Any minute. Wanna come?”
“Nah, you go have fun.”
Her shoulders slump.
I suppress a sigh. Bye, basketball. “Do you want me to come?”
“I mean, not if you don’t want to.”
That’s the thing—of course I don’t, but I can’t have her disappointed. Steeling myself, I tug her hair, sing a line from “Anywhere with You” by Jake Owens. She grins, and I can breathe again.
“Where are we headed?” I ask.
“Bowling. Here they come.”
An old minivan pulls up. Sophie calls to the driver, “Have room for one more?”
“Uh, no, but the car behind us does.”
She grimaces.
I’m home free. “No worries, Soph. You go have fun. I’m gonna hang on the floor tonight.”
“What? I thought you were coming. You’ve been on the floor the last two nights.”
That’s not fair. I was just feverishly catching up on homework.
But … those brown eyes I love watch me expectantly, hopefully. Her freckled cheeks are poised to stretch into a dazzling smile if I give the right answer. Nos are an impossible match for that smile.
“Okay.”
Sure enough, she grins. Beautiful. Too beautiful.
I flag down the car behind—full of girls. The driver rolls down the window.
“Hey, are y’all going the same place as that van?”
“We are. Want to come?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind.”
“I’m Abbie.”
“Austin. Nice to meet you.”
She smiles. Oh. That kind of smile.
“’Preciate the ride. My girlfriend wants me to tag along.”
“And she didn’t even sit with you?” Abbie says. “Hmm.”
Wait, what now?
By the time we reach the bowling alley, I’ve been patted, nudged, and fawned over for twenty minutes. When we arrive, there’s no van carrying Sophie.
Sophie
I’m bringing you two bacon cheeseburgers and a chocolate milkshake unless you tell me differently.
Girlfriend of the year. Maybe I’m just hungry.
You read my mind
Thank you
I focus on my game, trying to ignore the conversation behind me climbing in pitch. Their friends must be here. When I finally bowl a strike, the girls erupt, touching me, squealing, like they’ve been doing the whole time.
Sophie watches from across the room, too still.
I jog over to make a show of greeting her—lifting her off the ground, kissing her full on the mouth. Notebook-style, minus the rain. Yeah, Janie indoctrinated me. When I set her down, her hands trail to my stomach, the Whataburger bag crumpling between us.
“Hi,” she says, dazed. “You made some friends?”
“Mind coming over? They wanna meet the illustrious girlfriend.” An exaggeration of their intent, I’ll grant.
Her eyes shine, and I forget I haven’t eaten in hours. Who needs food when she looks at me like that? This is it, why I’m here. I’m hooked. Can’t rest till that smile’s back.
We barely escape my first lane, and then I’m stuck entertaining her classmates for an hour and a half, ensuring no one feels left out. But at least I have cheeseburgers to sustain me. And watching Sophie bounce around pulls at my heart.
A happy Sophie is enough.
Mia’s still out when I curl up in bed. I usually avoid going to bed this early—partly because I overthink my whole day if I’m not tired enough to fall immediately asleep. But I’m not on my own. I’m not fighting my own battles, so I don’t need to be afraid of my own thoughts.
Right?
I take a steadying breath and let the memory tornado loose.
Those girls all over him. Just like they always have been.
I mean, look at him. And once he starts talking, they see how fun and sweet and funny he is.
He’s impossible to resist. The squealing fan club dragged me straight back to the pining-for-Austin period of my life.
Major ick. But I had the mental fortitude to run through my verse: For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
And then, standing in that grimy bowling alley, something new bloomed in me. A breakthrough.
What I’ve been told my whole life is wrong.
Celebrate yourself. Love what you have. Own your power.
None of it ever helped. The affirmations in the mirror, the desperate attempt to summon pride in my own attributes, the compliments that never sank in deep enough.
None of it eased the pain of comparison, because all it did was keep my focus on myself.
I need my eyes on Jesus. He’s the beautiful one. He’s the one who wants me close, who makes me enough. He loves those girls—sees them, made them—and he has bigger plans for me than competing with his other creations.