Chapter 57
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
I need to tell him I’m sorry. Not just for that morning in his room, but for all of it. For pushing him, for pouting, when he was trying so desperately to obey Jesus. I take a step up. I need to tell him.
Help. Like my spirit prayed it for me.
He said to wait till Austin’s ready. I have to run—not up those stairs, but away from the urge to storm Flooders, to crash through his doorway. Maybe this is the kind of running I’m actually supposed to do.
Austin, running from his room that morning.
Austin, making me talk instead of kissing it better.
Austin, fighting our chemistry with Conclusion Kisses, fire extinguisher in hand.
He ran.
The door rattles above me. Mateo speeds down the first half flight, then slows when he sees me. “Hey.”
I freeze. Caught. He knows why I’m never on Flooders anymore. Maybe he doesn’t know-know.
“Been a while.” He brushes dark hair from his face. “You okay?”
My feet shift backward. Away. I’m supposed to wait. My body carries me down the stairs with Mateo, like muscle memory. Like I did a thousand times before, except with Austin’s giant hand wrapped around mine, grinning like a fool.
“Yeah,” I lie. “How is …”
Mateo eyes me. “You did a number on him.”
I swallow.
“An A2-er now, huh?”
“Uh, no. It’s over.”
“Good. Give Samwise another chance.”
I stutter. The Flooders don’t even know that he dumped me? And this from Mateo?
“Why do you care?”
“You were good for him. And he deserves to be happy. Unlike some people, Samwise works himself to the bone to earn what he has. Had. You included.”
I meet his gaze, speechless.
Outside, he aims toward the gym. “See you around.”
“See ya,” I mumble.
Kit meets me halfway across the field. “Sophs! Are—hey, what’s wrong?”
I stare at her as I speed walk. Should I tell her what happened with Davis? Maybe she’d understand.
The troll scoffs. “She told you not to go out with him.”
She’s my handiwork. And so are you.
“Did you find Davis?”
I decode Kit’s facial expression. Now she’s feigning nonchalance? Girl’s been weird all day.
“Yeah.” My words tumble out. “It was dumb to assume he’d be like Leo and Austin. It’s not like this school is Hogwarts and only accepts magical dudes.”
“Davis is a Muggle … What did he do?”
“He tried to kiss me. And …” With a flip of my hand, I continue my motor-memory march.
She scurries to catch up. “Are you okay? Was it scary?”
Shoot—forgot to be sensitive about this subject. I jerk back to her. “I’m sorry. No. I’m fine. He’s very respectful … in his way. The thing is, I thought Austin and Leo were opposites, but they’re mostly not. Just in these, like, minor ways. But they’re so similar in the ways that actually matter.”
Leo. I’m so sorry. He was so good, so gentle. And how did I thank him? I dragged him around and wanted someone else and never appreciated him for a second.
Give him someone who deserves him. Someone good and sweet and devoted to you, like he is.
Kit tries to form words. “You’re reconsidering Leo? ’Cause—”
“Huh? No.”
“Want me to come with you? Where are you going?”
“No. You go visit your man.” I swivel back to her, step closer. “I bet he never gives you a hard time about not kissing, huh?”
She blinks. “No. He doesn’t. Why?”
“Why is Levi cool with waiting to kiss? That’s sort of extreme, right? And he wasn’t exactly raised like that.”
Kit bites her lip, but her bright eyes drill into mine with intention—so different from last semester. “Honestly, I wonder sometimes. I guess he just wants to be with me. He doesn’t want to push me away.”
“He knows you won’t change your mind, right?”
“I sure hope so.” Her brows raise. “Do you think otherwise?”
I nod like a bobblehead on the dash—then switch to the Hawaiian dancer when I realize what she actually asked.
“No. He fully respects your faith and your choices. If I had to guess, it’s that he won’t bet against you—he just assumes you’re probably right.
” A breeze kicks up, blowing my hair in my face.
I bat it away. “Yeah. Soon it’ll be his rule too. ”
I’ve rendered her speechless.
I can’t believe I bombed what I had with Austin. So obnoxiously happy and I didn’t even know how good I had it. Didn’t know the half of it.
My feet carry me toward Griffin, but I stop, spinning back to Kit. “What are the odds that Leo and Austin would both be so … good? And Levi too?”
“They all love Jesus enough to make radical choices.” She flicks a glare toward Albert. “Usually.”
I nod slowly. “There’s always an ulterior motive for being good.”
“Yeah. I guess there is.”
“What if Levi were doing the no-kissing thing with you instead of for you?”
Her Disney eyes fill. “That would take a lot of pressure off.”
How I wish I would have done that for Austin. “Go ask him. Maybe he already is.” I shoo her toward Flooders. “He’s a radically good dude.” He and his roommate both.
I don’t realize I’m running until I burst into my room. I barely shut the door before my knees hit the floor and a sob rips through me.
“Sophs, you in here?”
Mia barges in and nearly plows me over. Without missing a beat, she lifts me by the shoulders and steers me to bed. Unties my shoes, tosses my socks aside, finds a scrunchie on the bedside table, pulls my hair into a bun. Tucks me in, like she’s done this before. “Tea,” she announces.
I stare at the table. She already returned Savannah’s mugs for me.
When she returns, she sets a mug on a stack of old papers and leans against her bed with her own. The one whose own blood tries to kill her is the steady one. “Sad is expected, but this seems like more than sad. Is it time to call your counselor?”
Mashing my pillow into the corner, I curl up with my tea. Hibiscus. “Yeah, maybe. And thank you. This is perfect.”
“Always.” She takes a careful sip, well before it’s finished steeping. “The Davis thing isn’t helping, is it?”
“It’s over.”
She exhales. “You barely avoided my come-to-Jesus on that one.”
I trace the rim of the mug. “Have you talked to Austin?”
“Have you?”
“He’s never going to speak to me again.”
“No one else believes that.” She rubs her forehead. “I went over there earlier, half planning to punch him in the teeth.”
A chuckle squeaks past my throat. She’s such a firecracker.
“I won’t try to decide for him if he should have dumped you or not,” she says, “but forgiveness isn’t optional for Jesus followers. It’s part of the deal.”
My smile dies. “I don’t deserve it.”
“No, you don’t,” the troll says.
“That’s the thing about forgiveness. It doesn’t matter.” She tilts her head. “But you do deserve it. You loved him and took care of him the best you knew how.”
I squeeze the mug against my chest. It burns my skin, but I need the warmth. “You know what I did. That was not my best.”
“I meant the rest of the time.” Her voice softens. “You’re right, that moment wasn’t okay. For either of you. But it doesn’t define your entire relationship. None of us knows what we’re doing, Sophs. All we can do is ask Jesus for help and grow along the way.”
I stare into my cup.
“I’m worried he’s on a pedestal. To the point that you think his behavior represents God’s. It doesn’t. He’s just a dude.”
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
“He wants me close …”
“He wants you close.”
“What did … Austin say?”
“Ran into Levi outside Albert before I could get there. He was having none of my tough-love plan. Insisted Austin wasn’t ready.
” Mia glances at the door. “I shouldn’t tell you this, but Austin still lies on his couch all day.
It’s been three weeks, and he isn’t even showing for soccer practices.
He skipped Donut Thursday. Dude couldn’t rally to step outside and receive a free donut? ”
My stomach churns.
“Levi confirmed—silently, of course—that Austin isn’t helping anyone or planning pranks. He grunts more than speaks.” She watches me. “You know how much he must hate himself to deteriorate from Thor, protector of the universe, to a stain on his couch? Sophie.”
“Please stop.” My voice is barely a whisper.
I did that. I brought that shame on him. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I squeeze my eyes shut, as if it will all go away.
“Working out. Refusing donuts,” she mumbles. “He can’t even do Fat Thor right.”
“Mia.”
“Fine.”
I shift to stare out the window. “Does it have to be a counselor?”
Her voice softens. “I don’t know. Kit needed that.”
“Yeah.”
Well? Dr. Shannon wouldn’t get it. Not anymore. I don’t think you’re her Snorkel. And if she hates Levi … she’ll just see this like Mom would. But I don’t want to be stupid about it. What do I do?
With a heavy swallow, I straighten. I think I know my next step. It’s too late for someone to whisper what’s true into my ear every night, but it’s not too late to find out what those things were. I don’t know how to do any of this. How to be real-free. The way God intended. But maybe I can learn.
I turn back to Mia. “What are you doing for spring break?”
Time to subject myself to another home sweet home.