Chapter 59
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
“I’ll get to the point,” I start. “I need another chance with Austin. What would convince him to talk to me?” I shift in my café chair, on a rocket shooting from vulnerable to humiliated.
Levi drops his arms to his knees and examines the coffee-shop carpet.
What was I thinking meeting at MSC? The vibe is all wrong. The sounds—students laughing and chatting and calling across the cavernous atrium. I have ten minutes before I have to leave for class, and this is my only hope.
“Hello?”
He lifts his head to frown at me.
“He was praying,” Kit says.
“Oh. Sorry.”
“I want that too,” he finally says. “But I think you’re asking the wrong question.”
“He’s so mad.”
Levi lets out a slow breath. “No.”
I give a nod … until the word clicks in my brain—“No? Of course he is. Besides, he avoids me with impressive commitment.”
“I don’t think he’s angry at you at all.”
Kit nods, and everything goes fuzzy.
The puzzle pieces fall apart, and I don’t know how they fit back together. “Then … what?”
Levi’s eyes meet Kit’s.
“If he’s not ready to talk,” Levi says, “it’s not my place to speak for him.”
“Is he okay?”
He hesitates. “Yes?”
My eyes start to fill. “Do you know what happened?”
“I know his side.”
Squeezing my knees beneath the table, I press the tears away.
“I was kind of … broken, a total mess. That whole time I was there. I screwed up. Bad. I think I thought … I dunno.” Why did I think this was a good idea?
And with Kit here? But I need his help. I kick the rest of the words out.
“I think I thought it was the only thing that could make me feel better.”
Sadness fills his eyes. No judgment though. “The first time at The Farm was hard for me too.”
“Wait, really?”
He studies me. Heavy on the eye contact today. I flit to Kit to tone down the intensity. No idea how she stares in those eyes all the time.
“His life is weird,” he says. “In a good way.”
“So weird.”
Kit ping-pongs between us, baffled.
He half-smiles at her. “Kit’s house is probably the same way. Without the cows.”
I bite together, pained. “For sure.”
She tilts her head but doesn’t interrupt.
“We fed them Honey Buns,” I explain to Levi.
He nods slowly. “I think this goes without saying, but you’re not going to find another guy like Samwise. He’s at his very worst right now, but he’s still, without a doubt, the best dude out there.”
I take a shaky breath and squeeze the arms of my chair. “Weird question. Do you know if Austin’s family knows we broke up?”
His expression hardens behind a poker face.
I reach a hand out, like Don’t worry. “I won’t do anything stupid. I just need to know if Janie knows. Surely they do, right? It would be so out of character—”
“Yes, they all know.”
Janie knows and she’s still updating her playlist every few days with new songs, responding to my additions like the playlist is a living thing. “Did he—”
“No more questions about that.”
I agree quickly.
His jaw shifts in the silence. I don’t interrupt this time.
“He’s kind of in a cast right now—resetting, so he can grow back healthier, I hope.
If you want him back, you will have to earn his trust again—I don’t know how—but I’m not convinced that’s the main obstacle here.
Before you even get to the trust part, you need to consider something.
” More eye contact. “He needs someone to take care of him. You were on the right track when you whisked him away for wings and football. I know you did a lot of things for him, but he’s nearly incapable of self-care. ”
That day in Dallas. His lips had curled into a sweet smile while he chewed, watching me. A lump comes to my throat. I love him. I miss him so much. But I was the problem. Should I even be trying to get him back?
“Dude’s a superhero,” Levi continues. “He’ll spend his whole life taking care of people to his own detriment. Everyone else in his life will take, take, take. He needs someone to show him that he’s already enough, someone to be a rejuvenating place for him …”
The troll laughs, sharp and cruel. Rejuvenating? Not even close. I’m exhausting. Too much. Loud. Dramatic. Calm down, people say. Chill out. Take a seat.
“… Someone to deeply appreciate him for the lunatic he is.”
A half laugh slips through my tight throat.
He squints, waiting.
“Maybe …” A swallow scrapes down. “Maybe I should let him go. I want him to be so happy. I’ve always known I’m not …
” A breath, a blink—still not composed. Kit rubs my back, which only draws the tears closer to the surface.
“I’m not as good as him, as selfless. I’m a lot.
I’m loud and … and restless. I’m new at being a Christian, and I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. ”
They’re both frowning. The silence begs to be filled.
“Before, I didn’t even think we could be together long term because we didn’t want the same things. But the cows showed me they’re not the problem. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I love those cows. And the cornbread.”
Kit and Levi watch me, trying to follow along.
“What I’m saying is … I don’t want to pick my life based on bonnets or no bonnets.
And even if I did, the dancing and the creek and the fishing—those are all part of it.
All part of Austin. Why would I be mad about the things that made him who he is?
The things I actually love too?” Trying to slow down, I pick at my sleeves.
“I used to think that I wouldn’t make it two weeks in a small town, but who cares where I am if I’m not with him?
Anything else sounds stupid. Hollow. Pointless.
I’d live anywhere with Austin. Anywhere.
” My nose runs, and I dig in my pocket for a tissue, like an old man with a hanky. A rambling old man.
What do I do? Please help. Please.
Their frowns have morphed to matching little smiles.
“You two.” I roll my eyes. They’re so much alike. And yet … they’re not. Like she said.
“A verse popped in my head,” Kit says. “Can I share it?”
“Shoot.”
“‘But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.’”
We fall silent as the verse shoots through my veins.
I glance up—and can’t help but tease, “Levi, you’re fully drooling.”
He snaps his mouth shut and drags his eyes away from an oblivious Kit. “What? It’s like Prince Caspian and Hermione Granger had a daughter.”
Her eyes sparkle. He intertwines their fingers, and I have to look away. A group of girls walks by, eyeing them and whispering. Someone skips from the other direction, laughing as she drags her smiling dude by the hand.
It’s like Levi knows what I’m thinking, because his voice lowers. “If Samwise comes around, I know you’ll treat him well, sacrifice for him in return, be worthy of his trust.” His protective gaze penetrates my soul. “I wouldn’t trust him with anyone else.”
My jaw drops.
“But I honestly don’t know if you two will get another chance at this. And, in my experience, God’s not in the business of Band-Aids.” Levi gestures between he and Kit. “We tried with Samwise and got nowhere.”
Kit jerks her gaze to her shoes. Levi taps her knee, and she gives a tight head shake. What’s that about?
I straighten in my seat, reset. Must process later. “Next subject. I have some big favors to ask.”
Levi turns wary. “Go on.”
“Kit, how would your family feel about the six of us visiting for spring break?”
Her eyes light up like blue flying saucers. “Really? Levi already bought me a flight home. I’ve been begging him to come with me.” She squeezes his leg. “I’m dying for him to meet my family.”
He softens, kisses her hand.
“It would be so fun to have everybody. Please come.”
“But your parents,” I remind her.
“Oh, I’ll ask, but they’d love it. Sometimes fifteen teenage boys sleep in the basement. We’d be tame in comparison.”
Levi turns back to me, poker faced. “How are you getting Samwise there?”
“I’ll buy us all flights. Oh, you mean, how will I convince him to go on a trip with me? You’d have to do that.”
Levi’s jaw works on overdrive. “Alright. And Haymitch is going home.”
“Oh. Bummer. Makes sense though.”
Kit bends toward me. “I love this idea so much, but what’s the strategy? I thought we decided only God can do the work.”
“Right. I’ve been thinking, and Austin can get a real rest if your house has the vibe his does, maybe more since he won’t feel the need to pull down trees and stuff.
I asked way too much of him while we were together, and whether he comes around or not, I really want to do what I can to reverse that. ”
Levi smiles.
“But it’s also for me, for a related reason,” I admit. “I need to take lessons. From your mom.”
“Wait. Lessons?” Kit asks.
“Lessons. I’ve heard enough to know she knows what she’s doing. I need to talk to her about snorkeling. And the whispers.” How to explain it? “I need her to teach me how to avoid repeating my mistakes. And what I’m missing. How she does Jesus Life.”
Levi’s eyes speak, but I can’t translate that language. “Your idea is brilliant, Sophie. I need lessons too.”
“Wait, what?” Kit says. “You guys don’t need lessons.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I wave her off. “I didn’t grow up with a model for this stuff. And I don’t know what I don’t know until I’ve already blown it up. For nineteen years you’ve watched your functional parents do life, so you just naturally know what to do next.”
“She is talking to me, right?” she says. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Everyone was ready to strangle me last semester.”
“She’s right,” Levi says to her. “You and Samwise have a leg up on us. We have a lot to learn.”
“They’d be thrilled to talk to you both, but they’re just regular people.”
“I know,” we say in unison.
“Your mom’s gonna judge me so hard,” I say. “But that’ll have to be okay.”
She squeezes my arm. “Actually, she’ll understand. You’ll see.”
Levi rises. He must have a class next too. “I’ll work on my part. For both our sakes, I hope he can be convinced. But don’t buy plane tickets.”
“It’s less than two weeks away. For spring break. To Denver. It’ll cost a fortune and more every day.” I’ll be getting a scathing text from Mom about this. I shudder. Still worth it.
“I’ll cover any increase. Don’t buy tickets.”
I let out my breath, defeated.
Leo’s profile catches my eye from a distance. He’s leaning against a wall, more confident than I’ve ever seen him, grinning ear to ear. Pushing to my feet, I crane my neck to see around the tables between us. Who is he smiling at like that?
“What?” Kit asks me.
Ayumi.
Dainty, shy, surrounded by grinning G2-ers.
I meet Kit’s gaze. She gives a small nod—hesitant, knowing. I can’t explain it, but happy tears come to my eyes. God is so much better at this than I am.