Chapter 66
CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
We’ve been watching basketball for an hour when the sub who runs out on the court reminds me of Powell. I almost growl. I still don’t know what happened with that. Haven’t had the guts to ask.
Levi turns serious, twirls the remote. Suspicious.
Maybe it’s time I try to move on, like Sophie did. I’ve been so laser focused on her that I don’t even remember what else is out there. Nothing serious—just someone nice enough. Someone to help me leave Sophie alone. But where do you even start when everything you want is the one thing you gave up?
I need to pray.
How do I start?
Memories crash down like hail. The hollow look in Sophie’s eyes at my house. Her shell-shocked personality transplant. Tears on my treehouse. Desperation in her voice as she begged me to kiss her.
Like the day against the chain-link fence. Like me the last month, curled up on my couch.
Dark and Twisty. Depression.
Sophie. My eyes fill, my breath quivers. I almost lose it. Oh, Sophie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. My body trembles. I should have known. I should have protected you.
Proof. More proof I wasn’t what she needed. She deserved so much better. Still does.
The room goes quiet—game paused.
I flinch, yanked out of my thoughts.
“I know you don’t want to talk about Sophie,” he starts. “I won’t try to talk you into anything. But give me five minutes and then I’ll try to leave you to your dysfunction.”
“Fine,” I grumble.
“Together, you and Sophie are a force. You really could be a Chelsea-and-Archie couple. But I saw something dangerous happening, and I should have spoken up. I think you started loving Sophie more than you loved Jesus.”
I cut a sharp eye over.
“I only know because I started down the same path, and he had to wake me up.”
“That is not fair. I was still putting in the time. I was still getting up to read my Bible every day, even when I’d barely slept.”
“Absolutely. You were doing, doing, doing.”
For some reason, that makes me cringe.
“But you needed to go home to rest, right? To pray and be with him? Like Jesus ran off all the time—that’s what you said. But then you dragged Sophie with you. How were you supposed to rest during a meet-the-parents weekend?”
She taught me to say no, to check that impulse to please everybody and choose what matters most. But I never could check it with her. Not really. Was it because she was what mattered most to me?
I stare at the ceiling.
“You prioritized her over yourself every day and every night—you have a lot to teach the rest of us—but when you took her to Graham, I worried you were prioritizing her over Jesus too.”
My shoulders droop. My chest caves in.
God let me take care of his most beautiful creation, and how did I thank him? I worshiped her instead. I curl over to cradle my head in my hands.
Is this punishment? Or did I just get what I chose?
“Samwise?” Levi’s gentle voice hits a nerve.
“I gave you your five minutes,” I bite out. “We have a deal.”
“Got it,” he says, subdued.
As my breath returns, I send a glance his way. “You’re a good dude. Are we okay?”
He holds out a fist. “Ride or die, buddy.”
I knock it with mine.
Sophie will be back soon, and I can’t be around when she does. I can’t trust myself to keep my distance right now. I tap my phone to check the time.
A missed call. A voicemail. Three texts.
“Ahh … Gotta make a call.”
Levi squints. “Call right here if you want.”
I tap the missed call, clear my throat. With a “yes, sir” and an “absolutely, sir,” the ground shifts under my feet. “Yes, sir, Coach. Thank you, sir. Hook ’em.” My phone drops to my lap.
“Hook ’em?” Levi asks.
“UT’s running backs coach.” Almost in slow motion, I twist to him.
“I’m in. I got that preferred walk-on spot.
” I stare at my phone. “How is that possible?” In a daze I pick it up, read the texts, heave a sigh.
“Dad suspected that Sophie dumped me that weekend I was home. He talked Coach into sending in the tape.”
“You’re kidding.”
I grip my phone. If I could make amends for her. If I could fix it. If I could just …
But I can’t.
“I’ll need to head down there the day after we get back.” I rake both hands through my hair. “Oh man, this is exactly what I need.” The best way to let her go.
This has to be you. Things like this don’t just happen.
“I need to hit the gym. I gotta—” I launch off the couch. “Where’s Archie? Is he around?”
“Yeah, I think—”
But I’m out of there, taking the stairs two at a time. My knee flares up.
“Samwise,” Levi calls, painfully smooth, “what happened to ‘just a tragic backup plan’?”
I pretend not to hear.
On Saturday skiers weave between towering pines while I float up the mountain on a chairlift for the first time. Skiing is wild. A bucket-list event. A distraction I relish. The sky feels bluer up here. Bigger. The air’s thin and crisp, and I gulp down deep, greedy breaths.
We spent most of the day learning on the packed bunny hill, and now it’s finally time to try the wide green run called Molly Mayfield.
I didn’t realize how exhausting skiing would be.
Or how much I’d love it. It’s the perfect mix of nature and adrenaline and full-body effort.
Kit didn’t even seem to mind crawling along at our pace, teaching us all day.
Now she sits next to me on the lift, fidgeting with her poles. “I told Levi I love him on Thursday,” she says suddenly. “Because of you.”
My breath snags.
“After that … walk,” she says.
“The walk-walk? When you came in crying? Why because of me?”
“Yeah, that one. Because …” She rests her poles on her legs.
“You love—and forgive—so fiercely. Even without understanding why Austin’s keeping you apart, you still believe in him.
You remember who he is, in the middle of the mess.
That’s huge. If you can admire him there, then I can trust Levi too.
I can love and forgive like you do. Because they’ve both shown us they’re the kind of guys worth sticking our necks out for. ”
I let the tears roll down my cheeks. “Being loved does that, huh? Makes us brave.”
She nods. “And if Levi loving me back can make me brave, how much braver should I be if I’m loved by the creator of the universe?” A pause. Then, quietly, “I think he was going to say it on Valentine’s night. Remember that tapas dinner? He was so nervous. Wanted you guys there but tried to bail.”
“But we did come. And Levi didn’t say it then, did he?”
Kit exhales. “The walk-walk topic? I think that’s why he was so hesitant.”
Silenced by shame. But she spoke straight to it.
I can’t speak, so I tap her pole with mine.
Austin whacks Levi three chairlifts ahead. And somehow, at this moment, I’m sure.
I’ve lost him for good.
It’s the way he moves now. I’ve seen him on campus, traced his path toward the gym from my window. For weeks he looked as bad as I felt—dragging, bent. Like he was carrying something too big even for him.
But this week the weight has lifted. The droop in his posture has sloughed off, replaced by something closer to his usual easygoing stance.
He’s cracking jokes ahead of me—I can tell just by his body language.
And when he laughs, my heart flies into a tailspin of enamored, relieved agony.
I miss his teasing. I miss the banter. I miss his giant hand pushing hair out of my face. I miss the adventure in his eyes.
I wanted him to rest, and I’ve succeeded, but at the expense of my last thread of hope. He managed to shake me off in four weeks. I, on the other hand, am barely holding myself together with exaggerated smiles and a peppy voice.