Chapter 14
James: Play the Game
So, God is a chess nerd! Who knew? I’ve been practising on a chess app on my phone today. It’s been a while since I played – well, nearly a year now, as I’ve not played chess at all up here.
I have no idea how good The Boss is, so this could go badly in one of two ways.
Either he could be really good and get frustrated that I can’t match his ability, or even come close to challenging him, or – and I realise this scenario’s not very likely – he could be not as good as I am, in which case there’s a danger I piss him off by beating him.
I don’t want to get sent to the other place for checkmating The Boss.
Andy managed to get hold of a proper chess set too, so I could practise playing against a person, not just a machine.
But then, is playing against The Boss like playing against a person? Hmm. Not sure about that one.
And now it’s time to go. I said I’d get to him for seven, and I really don’t want to be late. Punctuality is always important to me, but especially so tonight.
When I get to his place, an assistant, dressed head to toe in white, welcomes me and shows me into an elegant reception room.
‘Would you like a drink while you wait, Mr Harrington?’
‘That’d be great.’
‘Beer?’
‘Thanks.’
Lucky guess – or did she read my mind? Who knows.
She disappears off. Just moments later another assistant, identically dressed in white trousers and a white top, appears with a bottle of my favourite beer.
‘Here you are, Mr Harrington. Enjoy!’
‘Thanks very much.’ Seriously, you can’t fault the service here.
I’ve not made much of a dent in the beer when The Boss rushes into the room, slightly out of breath. I think he must have been running, or at least walking at quite a pace.
‘So sorry, got held up with the AAs.’
‘AAs?’
‘Archangels. They always catch me at really inconvenient moments.’
‘Ah.’
‘Did you see the news today?’ he asks, indicating for me to follow him into his office.
‘No. Why? Something big?’
‘You could say. The totaliser hit eight billion today. Imagine! Eight billion people all on that little bit of rock down there.’ He frowns and wipes his brow. He actually looks a little overwhelmed.
‘To be fair, it’s quite a large bit of rock.’
‘But is it big enough? That’s a lot of people.
Lot of work too, I can tell you. And it’s not like they create any more gods to cope with all these people.
The workload just keeps getting bigger. Anyway, mustn’t moan.
I’m just going to park that for tonight.
Righty ho, let’s go in the snug and I’ll find that chessboard. Haven’t played for a while.’
Well, that’s music to my ears. If he’s a bit rusty, maybe I won’t be annihilated in the first five minutes after all.
He leads me through a doorway into another room, also white, but smaller.
It feels like this is his inner sanctum.
There’s a warm glow coming from the fire crackling beneath the oversized mantelpiece.
The furniture in here is antique – Art Deco style.
It wouldn’t look out of place on a Poirot movie set.
A rather stylish-looking mini fridge is the one thing that looks out of place in the room. It looks brand new. And it’s crammed full of bottled beer. Artisan beer, by the looks of it. Has he got that in specially?
He heads over to a beautiful chest of drawers and starts rummaging in it.
He pulls out various boxes. Clearly not the right ones.
More drawers. More boxes. Until eventually he finds the one.
He brings it over, takes out a beautiful Art Deco chess set – must be worth a fortune – and lays it out on the antique walnut coffee table.
My mum would kill for a table like that.
As he sets up the pieces on the board, I glance around at the walls. All in the same warm white, they’re decorated with large, sleek framed paintings with gilt lettering at the bottom. When I look at them more closely, I notice that the words are familiar. They’re famous quotations.
‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.’
‘There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.’
‘Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.’
‘I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.’
They look like very upmarket versions of those old motivational posters you see in buildings where they haven’t bothered to redecorate since the 1990s. But these are classy.
‘Quite the romantic, aren’t you?’
‘Huh?’ He looks up from the board.
‘The wall art – the famous words you’ve chosen.’
‘Oh yeah. Just a few of my shower thoughts.’
Shower thoughts? ‘But I thought—’
‘Of course you did. But sometimes I send my thoughts down to people. A bit of divine inspiration, you could call it.’
Really? This guy is full of surprises.
‘What about that one? Bit left field!’ I point to a painting of a huge, fluffy white dog. The writing below reads, ‘A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.’
‘Well, obviously that’s not the original thought. That somehow got lost in translation. Should have been “god”, not “dog”. But, you know, I actually prefer this version. So I got a painting done for it. Big fan of dogs, me.’
I’m still trying to take it all in, but the board’s ready now. Okay, can’t spin this out any longer. No more delaying the inevitable.
‘Shall we get started then?’ I suggest.
The Boss goes first. I take a deep breath.
Okay, I’m just going to have to accept an early defeat.
I take my turn, moving a pawn and he mirrors it.
The gap between our turns starts to increase, as it gradually takes longer to weigh up all the options.
He eyes me slightly warily between turns, while I’m deciding what move to make.
I’m probably doing the same to him, although the beer is definitely easing the stress levels.
Until I realise I’ve left my bishop wide open and if he takes that then my king will…
But no, somehow he’s not spotted my mistake, I’m still in the game.
And now he’s the one to make a mistake. He really shouldn’t have gone there.
‘What?! You can’t take my knight!’ He’s quite indignant.
‘Just did,’ I reply.
The Boss puts his head in his hands. Shit, I think I might have really upset him. I knew this was going to end badly.
‘Not sure I wanted you to play this well,’ he says.
‘Ah. Sorry. I just thought with your being omnipotent and all that, you’d be at the top of your game on this.’
‘You and your omni- everything – omnipotent, omniscient,’ he grumbles. ‘Well, I can’t be perfect at it all, you know. It’s a tough job this. Honestly, you all expect so much, and no matter what I do, it’s never enough. There’s always someone else wanting more.’
Well, that’s thrown me. I’m feeling really bad now. He’s looking quite cut up about the whole thing. Just don’t let him start crying. I mean, what are you supposed to do if God starts crying in front of you?
‘Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to criticise.
Obviously you’re a really busy guy and your mind is on other things all the time.
Chess is hardly the most important thing when you’ve got a whole world to run.
’ I can imagine his job must be horrendous at times.
It’s a huge responsibility after all. I glance over at him again, and his face is slightly contorted. Oh that’s bad.
Then suddenly he looks up, and a huge smile appears on his face. ‘Gotcha!’
‘Huh?’
‘Yeah, just kidding. Ha ha ha! This job is bloody fantastic. I mean, who gets to do all this? Nah, I know I’m a really lucky guy.’
What?! My face must be a picture right now. This guy is impossible!
‘So, can we get on with the game now?’
‘Yeah, yeah, go for it, James.’
‘It’s your go.’
‘Ah, yeah. Another beer?’ he offers.
Jeez. We could be here all night at this rate.
And I don’t want this to drag on. I just want to get to keep this app.
I’m not a worrier, but I’m just starting to lose my confident edge.
What am I doing here? What on earth was I thinking?
How could I possibly have imagined I could win a game of chess against God?
But then suddenly I realise he’s made a mistake – a mistake I can take advantage of, and a minute later I’ve done it.
‘Checkmate,’ I call out triumphantly.
He looks down at the board almost in disbelief. ‘So it is!’
Okay. Now what’s going to happen. Is he going to be mad?
‘Hey, you did it! Good on you!’ He actually sounds really pleased for me.
‘So you’ll let me keep the app?’
‘Yeah, of course. You’ve earned it, mate.’
‘Oh thanks, that is brilliant. I owe you.’
‘So how about a rematch next week?’ he suggests, starting to put the pieces away in the box.
‘To keep the app, you mean?’
‘Nah, the app’s all yours to keep. Just a game for fun, if you’re up for it?’
‘Sure, why not?’
‘Oh, that’s terrific. Cheers, mate.’
So, now I just need to get my head around this app properly so I can finally get in touch with Amy.