Chapter 21
Amy: Children
Did I tell you I’m a godmother? Well, I am.
I’m a godmother. I’d always wanted to be one, from being a young girl.
I think it must have been the name and the idea of fairy godmothers.
It’s funny the way the word ‘godmother’ makes you think of only lovely things, like ballgowns and sparkles and making wishes come true.
The word ‘godfather’, on the other hand, can bring to mind rather different things, like gun-toting mafia types in slick suits and lots of gratuitous violence.
So maybe if I’d been a bloke, I might not have been so eager to be a godfather.
Hard to know. But if I’d ever written down a bucket list, being a godmother would definitely have been on it.
My goddaughter is the most adorable little girl.
Her mum’s called Becky, and I’ve known her ever since I met James.
She’s an army wife – twice over actually.
She used to be married to James’ friend Luke.
James, Luke and another guy, Andy, were all in the same regiment, and they all got on like a house on fire.
But Luke and James had been at Sandhurst together, and Luke was like the brother James never had.
They would have done anything for each other.
When Luke was killed, James was completely devastated.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t lost anyone before in the forces, but it hit him hard when Luke died.
I’ve never known him so lost. The thing is, in his line of work you have no choice but to pick yourself up and get on with it.
And, of course, they keep going to honour the memory of the ones they’ve lost.
Becky and I clicked too, straightaway, so we used to have an amazing time going out all four of us.
We did loads of things together – not just pubs and clubs.
We went to see our favourite bands, and to the theatre.
Becky and I would book something and the guys would claim to be going under duress, but actually they enjoyed it just as much as we did.
We’d go camping too. And we definitely all loved that.
The guys were so adept at all that stuff, so Becky and I would do a lot of chilling and chatting and pouring of wine while the boys made it look like they could put up tents, prep a campfire and rustle up a meal on it in their sleep.
And they probably could. You can imagine the envious looks we’d get from other women whose partners were not so good with camping duties.
Luke was the nicest guy you could wish to meet – apart from James of course, but that’s a given.
And, yes, of course I am biased. But Luke was so sweet-natured he even put a plan in place for if something should happen to him, to make sure Becky was looked after.
He’d made sure she’d be fine financially, but he’d also asked another friend of his, Adrian, who got on really well with Becky, to keep an eye on her if anything should happen to him.
I’m sure he knew exactly what he was doing – he knew that Adrian and Becky would help each other, that they would understand each other’s grief, that going through it together would give them a chance to grow closer and that maybe something would come of it.
And of course, as they each gradually dealt with the loss of Luke, they did grow close and eventually something did come of it.
In fact, not only did they get married, but they now have a beautiful baby girl, and that’s my goddaughter, Lucy.
It’s Lucy’s first birthday today, so I’m calling round.
I’ve bought the cutest little cuddly rabbit for her.
Going in the babywear shop was quite tough, actually.
I had never thought of myself as broody before, and I’m not really.
I suppose my biological clock isn’t ticking particularly loudly, as I’m only twenty-seven.
But it was just the sudden realisation that with James gone, and me not able to imagine ever being with someone else, I will never have a baby.
And ‘never’ just felt so very final, and then I started crying, and the shop owner spotted me and came over.
‘Hormone trouble?’ she asked kindly.
‘Oh no,’ I said, hastily brushing the tears off my face. ‘I’m not pregnant.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she replied, clearly mortified. ‘I wasn’t saying you look like you’re pregnant – I mean, you’re really slim. It was just because you were—’
‘Crying? I know. I’m sorry. I do that a lot. But it’s not hormones.’
The poor young woman clearly didn’t know what to say. I was going to have to explain myself.
‘My boyfriend, well, last year he, he died.’ Ouch, I hate saying that word.
‘Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s awful for you. I know how hard these things are – I lost my dad recently.’ She checked her watch. ‘Would you like a cup of tea? It’s nearly lunchtime – I could close the shop for a few minutes.’
‘Oh no, I don’t want to be a nuisance.’
‘Honestly, it would do me good to take a break. And you really look like you could do with a cuppa.’
‘Well, if you’re sure.’
‘Absolutely,’ she said, going over to the door and flipping the sign over to ‘closed’. ‘I’m Sasha, by the way.’
‘Amy,’ I replied.
So off she went, and next thing she was back with tea and biscuits, and we sat and had a chat.
Sasha had lost her dad to cancer a couple of years ago, so she could really relate to what I’m going through with the grief and all that.
Of course, so many people have had to deal with loss and grief, but so few people talk about it.
We ended up talking about children. I suppose it was inevitable, being in a babywear shop.
James and I had talked about having a family one day.
We weren’t in a great rush. We were still just enjoying being the two of us.
And besides, James was away so much, the timing wasn’t great.
He was so hands-on in everything he did.
So there was no way he’d have wanted us to start a family knowing he was hardly going to be there.
He’d have wanted to play as big a part as possible in his kids’ lives.
And I know if we’d had children they’d have wanted him to be around as much as possible, just like I did.
It was different for me, of course. I signed up to being with him, knowing that he was in the army and that it would take him away from me a lot.
But kids, well, they don’t get to make that choice, we’re choosing for them.
So, having kids was something we’d agreed that we would like to do one day, when we were ready, when the time was right.
And now that’s never going to happen. It’s just another of the many dreams and possibilities which I had thought might one day come true, but which were snatched away when James passed.
Part of me thinks perhaps it would have been lovely to have had a child while he was still alive, and then I would have had a part of him with me forever.
But the other part of me thinks it’s a good thing we didn’t.
I don’t think I’d have been able to look after a child properly while working my way through this tortuous process of grieving.
When I get to Becky’s house, there’s another car on the drive, and it turns out James and Luke’s old boss, Simon has called round to see how Becky is doing and to drop off a present for Lucy – he’s Lucy’s godfather, you see.
No doubt it would have been James who was asked to be godfather if he’d still been here.
Simon greets me warmly when I go in, but a few minutes later starts to make his excuses.
‘Well, I’d best be off,’ he says, as he finishes a final lap of trotting round the living room with Lucy on his back squealing with laughter.
Honestly, if the guys at work could see him now.
They wouldn’t believe it! This guy has grown adults quaking in their boots when it comes to inspection parade.
‘Please don’t rush away on my account,’ I say.
‘Yeah, stay a bit longer, please,’ adds Becky. ‘Amy’s only just got here.’
‘No, no. Unfortunately, I really must be on my way. Meetings to attend. Marvellous to see you and the birthday girl – and you, Amy, as ever. Keep in touch, won’t you?’
‘Of course,’ I smile. But I’m not sure I will.
It’s not that I don’t like Simon. He’s lovely.
But I’ve been finding it harder and harder to have contact with the guys from James’ work.
It just reminds me of the gap he’s left, not just in my life but in so many other people’s lives, and then it’s easy to slip into bitterness and resentment, feeling stubbornly that James should still be here, that it wasn’t his time, that he shouldn’t have died.
But bitterness and resentment don’t help.
They won’t bring him back. Nothing will bring him back.
‘Simon’s lovely, isn’t he?’ Becky says.
‘Um – oh, yes.’ I drag my mind back to the here and now. I really must try to stop it drifting off so much.
‘He’s got a real soft spot for you, you know.’
‘What? No, I don’t think so. Hey, don’t you go trying to match me up with him.’
‘Would I do a thing like that?’
‘Yes! Absolutely you would!’
‘Okay, yeah, I would. But you’ve got to admit, he’s quite a catch.’
‘He may be, but I don’t need a man.’
She looks at me doubtfully.
‘Honestly, I don’t. I’m happy on my own,’ I insist.
‘Happy?’
‘I am. Sometimes. It’s just going to take a bit longer to get used to him not being here, that’s all. You know how it is.’
‘But that’s my point,’ Becky replies. ‘You know how much I adored Luke, but it is possible to find that kind of love again. Of course I still miss Luke, but Adrian’s given me a whole new life, and you could have that too.’
‘I guess.’
‘Well, if I can’t convince you, maybe Simon can. Come to dinner next week and I’ll invite him over.’
‘I don’t know. I’m quite busy next—’
Becky raises her eyebrows. ‘Busy doing what?’
‘Well—’
‘Busy making up excuses not to go out.’
It’s looking like I’m not going to be able to get out of this when the birthday girl accidentally comes to my rescue, as the excitement of the day finally gives way to exhaustion and tears. Definitely time for me to leave. Besides, I really can’t stay at Becky’s any longer.
Where am I rushing off to? Well tonight I’m going to the spiritual mediumship evening.
I’m so desperate to connect with James, I’m ready to try anything.
And at least this doesn’t require any effort on our part this time, not like the séance.
For this, we just show up at the theatre where the event is being held and that’s it.
Liz and Janice were keen from the start.
Sarah was also really curious about the evening, so she offered to come along, and then Bob and Tom decided they’d like to go too.
So, it’s kind of snowballed and turned into a bit of a trip out with half the FFC going.
I’m really pleased that Tom’s going, because he talks to Daphne all the time and is certain that he hears her talking back to him.
So if the medium is any good, she will surely be able to hear from Daphne too, and then I’ll know there’s a chance of her connecting with James.
And I am so desperate for James to come through.