Chapter 32
James: Highway to Hell
This Earthcomms app has been a disaster for me.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, and neither does anyone else, not even The Boss.
It’s been so hard to get anything through direct to Amy, yet for other people, like Daphne, it works a treat.
But then out of the blue last night it suddenly worked properly when Amy had gone out to what I think of as ‘our place’ at the crematorium – the place where she often sits and talks to me, the place where my ashes were laid.
I think the whole wedding thing had just got too much for her, which is understandable.
I’ve never been particularly sold on the idea of needing to declare your everlasting love for someone in public with a big wedding.
But even so, I have to admit I was feeling a bit low too, despite the filter, watching her there and realising I wished we were the ones committing to spending the rest of our lives together.
So, when she was talking to me, I sent her a voice message back, and for the first time, she heard it and recognised it was me.
And even though the app failed again soon after, at least I had reached her, which is a big breakthrough.
But the good news on the app has been dampened by some seriously bad news.
Gabe just called round to tip me off that The Boss knows all about the bikes and the cycling club.
I don’t know how long he’s been aware of it – maybe he just found out while we were away.
But I am not looking forward to seeing his reaction.
I’m not usually one for worrying. I’m a firm believer in saving the suffering for an actual problem, not for a possible problem.
But even I’m struggling to stick to that right now.
Let’s face it, no one’s going to be too comfortable with the prospect of being banished from heaven.
Or what the alternative to heaven might look like.
I knew it was a risk making the bikes. And maybe a risk I shouldn’t have taken.
But, to be fair, we’ve had a ball and the kids have loved them.
They really are top-notch bikes. So it was worth it.
Probably. I guess there is a chance that I might not feel that way if I get sent to the other place and have to push a boulder up a hill for all eternity, or something similarly hellish.
The worst thing is that I’d just been bending The Boss’s ear about helping me out with the situation with Amy, and I think I’d won him over to the idea.
I really think he was going to come up with another plan.
And now he knows about the bikes there’s no way he’s going to bother to put himself out for me.
In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have got so carried away with the cycling club.
Maybe I should have just made myself a bike and used it discreetly without telling loads of people.
Or maybe I should have just stuck to the rules and forgotten all about bikes.
It just never occurred to me that the cycling might impact Amy.
And, of course, it’s not the first time – I’d still be there with her if I hadn’t gone cycling in the first place.
I absolutely love cycling, but now I can’t help thinking about all the suffering that’s come out of it.
So, I’ve been summoned to see The Boss. This can only end badly.
I haven’t told anyone else up here about the situation yet – no need to worry them already.
He’s not in when I arrive, so now I’m waiting outside his office, and it’s getting harder and harder to stick to my policy of not worrying.
How bad can it be? What exactly is he going to say to me?
Am I going to be sent to the other place?
Does he have a deal with The Devil? Is there a special place in hell reserved for cyclists?
I usually get offered a drink while I wait to see The Boss.
But not today. I must really be in trouble. And here he is, back from his stroll.
‘Afternoon James.’ He walks into his office more briskly than usual, indicating for me to follow him in.
Right, well, at least we’ll get this over with quickly.
‘So, when do I have to leave?’ I dive in straightaway.
‘Oh, you’ve heard then?’ He looks a bit surprised that I’ve guessed what’s coming next. ‘Who told you?’ he asks. ‘Gabe?’
‘No…’
‘Mike?’
‘No, no one told me. I just guessed.’
‘Ah. I suppose you would with your guilty conscience.’
He’s looking pretty stern. I’ve not seen him look like this before. He must be really pissed at me.
‘Look, I’m sorry about the bikes. I know I shouldn’t have made them, but—’
‘You think this is about the bikes? Yeah, you shouldn’t have been making the bikes – or using the bloody things – but I’ve been turning a blind eye to those for a while.’
Ah, so a bit more omniscient than I thought.
‘Yeah, not as stupid as I look, am I?’ he adds, as though reading my mind.
There’s really no good answer to that, so I resolve to say nothing.
‘No, this isn’t about the bikes. It’s about the date. You promised you would go on a date. You promised you were going to do your bit to help that poor girl of yours move on. And I believed you. And now I find out you still haven’t gone on one. Not a single date.’
‘I was going to, I tried, but I—’
‘No excuses. You made a promise.’
‘I’m sorry, I—’
‘Sorry? Sorry? It’s a bit late for that. I’ve made up my mind. If you won’t help her by going on a date, you’re going to have to go and—’
‘Fair enough. I get it. I guess I’d better go and pack. Can I take anything with me?’
‘Well, you won’t need much.’
‘Oh. Right.’ Jeez, just how bad is this place going to be? ‘And what do I have to do when I get there?’
‘Well, I’d have thought that’d be obvious, mate.’
‘No, not really. It’s not like I’m familiar with the place.’
‘Not familiar? You should know it like the back of your hand.’
‘How?’
‘What’s up with you? Did you get heatstroke while you were at the beach?’
‘Huh?’
‘Nah, course you didn’t,’ he half-laughs. ‘This is heaven, no heatstroke up here. Although, obviously you can get it where you’re going.’
That’s it. It’s definite. He’s sending me to the hot place.
‘So when do you want me to go?’
‘Well, I think you need to go ASAP, don’t you?’
‘I can’t say I’m in a huge hurry, if it’s all the same to you.’ Wow, he is in a hurry to get rid of me.
‘But what about Amy? Don’t you think it’s urgent?’
‘What difference is it going to make to Amy?’
‘Well, I’m hoping it will be a game-changer. I know you’re reluctant to do this, which is why I’m going to make you.’ He’s looking at me seriously.
‘Now?’
‘If you really must, you can leave it until the weekend – gives you a couple of days, then you get back down there and convince your young lady to stop pining for you and start seeing a new man. You’re going to set that poor young lady free.’
‘Hang on, you mean you’re sending me back to Earth?’
‘Duh!’ He slaps his palm onto his forehead.
‘Really?’
‘You got it, Sherlock.’
‘Right.’
‘But for one night only, yeah?’ he adds. ‘Then you’ll be ported back.’
‘Right, yes, sure.’ I’m struggling to take this in. I was so convinced I was being evicted permanently and sent down to the other place. ‘So you’re not sending me to hell?’
‘Hell? No. Hell no! Ha ha.’
I don’t like to mention it, but this hardly seems like the time for puns.
‘What on earth gave you that idea?’ he asks, still laughing at his own joke.
‘Well, I just thought, well, oh never mind.’ I’m struggling to take this in.
‘But how’s this going to work? I mean, she’s still in love with me. How am I going to persuade her in just one night that she needs to find someone else?’
‘Yeah, that’s the bit of the plan I haven’t fully figured out yet,’ he says, now looking slightly less sure of himself. ‘Can’t you just leave some things to make her think you weren’t quite as wonderful as she thought?’
‘Things? Such as?’
‘I dunno. Maybe leave a break-up letter somewhere for her to find – make it look like you were planning to break up with her if you hadn’t come up here?’ he suggests helpfully.
‘Where on earth would I leave a letter for her to find? I’ve been gone nearly eighteen months – how could she possibly have overlooked anything in that time?
Besides, if she did believe it, it would break her heart.
Look how much faith she has in me, the fact she’s still holding onto our relationship, hoping it’s not over, even now.
How’s that going to leave her if she now believes the relationship was broken all along?
That’s going to make her feel worse, not better.
And how’s she ever going to trust anyone again? ’
‘Okay, okay, perhaps that wasn’t my best idea ever.’
‘That’d be safe to say.’
‘You got any better ideas?’
I shake my head.
‘I know,’ he says, picking up his mobile. ‘Gabe? Can you get over here? Yep, now if you can, mate. And bring Mike with you.’ He looks at me helplessly. ‘Well, maybe they’ll be able to think of something.’