Chapter 34
James: Goodbye My Lover
So tonight it’s time to put this arguably half-baked plan into action – the plan The Boss, Mike and Gabe came up with for persuading Amy to move on.
So, I go back to Earth and spend an evening there, leaving hints, trying to convince her to switch her affections to another man.
Well, Simon, to be precise. Sounds mad? It probably is.
Honestly, you’d think the creator of the world could come up with something better.
But apparently not. Even he seems to be somewhat defeated by Amy’s stubborn refusal to accept that she should let another person into her life.
And I’ve not come up with a better plan. So this is all I’ve got to work with.
It seems completely alien, the idea of going back to Earth. It’s been nearly a year and a half since I left, and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel when I get back there. For sure it’s going to be weird. But it’s only for one night.
The Boss reckons people won’t be able to see me, but it’s possible that some people, more sensitive and tuned-in people, will be able to detect my presence.
So, for example, I could definitely pay a visit to my mum’s house, because she doesn’t believe in anything she can’t see with her own eyes.
Amy is going to be a different matter. She’s got so into all of this esoteric stuff, dabbling in psychic things and so on.
I’ve only got myself to blame for that. She didn’t do anything like this before I died.
But it does mean I will have to be really careful when I’m back at home.
I definitely don’t want to freak her out.
I haven’t figured out yet exactly how this is going to work.
Essentially, if Amy sees me, she needs to think she’s just dreaming – or seeing things because she’s drunk.
Well, it’s possible she could be drunk – recently she’s been drinking more than she used to, but still not that often.
So, I’m leaning more towards convincing her that she’s dreaming.
That’s if she sees me at all. Ideally I’ll just go in, leave her some not-so-subtle hints about Simon and then get out at the double.
I know the first ‘date’ didn’t go so well, but if she just gives him more of a chance, I’m sure something could develop between them.
He definitely has feelings for her, and at least I know I can trust him completely to be good to her.
And, however much it hurts, I have to accept that, over time, for Amy I’ll gradually become no more than a memory.
Getting back is going to be weird. The Boss has refused to tell me anything about how the process is going to work – all classified apparently – so he just takes me into a side room off his office and tells me that everything will go silent and pitch black for a while.
I might even feel nauseous, and when I arrive back on Earth I will know it because there will be light and sound again.
The absolute darkness is disorientating, although I’m probably better at dealing with stuff like this than most because of some specialist training from my army days, so no nausea, just a strange sensation.
And when I open my eyes, here I am, back right outside our house.
I look behind me, but there’s no sign of heaven, or any teleportation device, just the houses that were always there on the other side of the road.
Everything is the same as it was, and yet it feels different.
Sounds, smells, the light even – it all seems so in-your-face, not subtle like up there.
I guess I’ve got more used to heaven than I thought.
The awful thing about how I died was I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to Amy. Gabe thinks that’s what could be making it harder for me to move on. And it seems that if I don’t move on, then neither will she.
And now it’s my chance to say a silent goodbye to this amazing girl.
And then I have to let her go, so that she can let go too.
This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.
And I’ve had to do some fairly tough things in my time.
Break-ups are hard enough when you know the relationship’s all wrong.
This feels impossible, because the relationship was totally right.
But we can’t carry on like this. It’s no good for her.
Wow, this light really is harsh on the eyes when you’re not used to it, it’s starting to make them sting.
Amy’s due to be at Elle’s house now. Elle’s having a barbecue this evening. That’s one good thing. Elle is now seeing Paul, and she’s actively encouraging Amy to start dating so they can all go out together. I think The Boss might have helped that along the way a little.
I’ve seen our house on the viewer every day all this time, but it still feels so strange to be back and to see everything more clearly, not blurred at all and not just snippets.
Almost nothing’s changed since I left. All my stuff’s still here – even the cycling books, which I’d bet my bottom dollar Amy is never going to read.
The one thing that has changed is the number of photos of me.
We always had lots of photos around, but it was a mix of photos of us and photos of friends and family.
Now it seems every photo on display is of me, some of me and Amy, and a few with others in too – but I seem to feature in just about every photo to be seen.
Wow, she really has got it bad. This plan really needs to work.
She can’t carry on like this forever. But if only I was really back here to stay and everything could go back to how it used to be, and Amy and I could be together.
A sudden noise interrupts my thoughts. Is someone in the house?
Who would be here while she’s out? Jeez, what if she’s here?
What if she’s not gone out after all? I don’t have an exit strategy.
I should have known better. All my military training, all those perfectly executed operations set up on the spot in the most hostile conditions.
And yet this, which I’ve had time to prepare for, I’m risking ballsing up due to lack of planning.
But she must have gone out. She was all set to go when I checked on her earlier. It’s not like her to back out at the last minute, especially when she’s promised to help out. She’s made food to take and everything.
It’s all quiet now. Maybe I imagined it. But I thought the noise came from the bedroom, so I’m going to do a quick sweep in there, just in case.
I go into our bedroom, and there’s Amy, dressed for the barbecue, but lying on the bed, dozing.
Her mobile’s fallen on the floor at the side of the bed.
She’s as gorgeous as ever, but she looks pale and weary.
And now close up to her I can see really dark circles under her eyes, and she’s looking so tiny.
She was always slim, and I knew from seeing her with the viewer that she’d lost some weight, but here, right next to her, I can see she’s lost more than I thought.
And now I’m feeling completely choked up.
And all I want to do is hold her and make everything right again.
I’ll just lie next to her for a moment. God this pillow is wet – she must have been crying yet again.
I move slightly closer, longing to breathe in the smell of her perfume, feel her breath close to my face.
But her eyelids are starting to open. Now what do I do?
I’ve either got to do a runner, or double down and stay here.
And just hope she doesn’t remember anything in the morning.
I know I should go. But I just want to stay for a moment, and be with her, and now she’s rolled into my arms and…
‘James?’ she says sleepily and moves even closer, opens her eyes wider and gazes at my face.
‘Oh, thank God you’re here,’ she whispers.
‘I have missed you so much.’ And she puts her arms around my neck.
‘Was it all just a bad dream?’ And now she’s kissing me.
Oh, this was such a bad idea. How can I possibly go and leave her right now?