Apart

Chapter 36

James: Messed Up

So, I’ve messed up yet again. So much for convincing Amy to start seeing other people. I’ve ended up doing the complete opposite. She wasn’t meant to see me even. I just got everything wrong. I executed better operations when I was in the Scouts.

I hate seeing Amy crying. I’d rather face fifty snipers than see her cry.

Amy’s pretty much always cheerful. At least she used to be, before all of this happened.

When she occasionally did get upset over something, I’d do anything I could to make her feel better.

But now I’m up here, I can’t. There’s nothing I can do.

And of course it’s doubly bad, because the whole reason she’s suffering is because of me, because I’m up here.

I’m completely helpless. And I hate feeling helpless.

I hate it in any situation, but I particularly hate it where Amy’s concerned.

I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be the one she could lean on.

I wanted to be the buffer zone that would stop anything harmful from reaching Amy.

And instead I’ve become the very thing that’s harmed her. Bloody hell, this situation is bad.

And she was at such a low ebb that night.

She’d mostly been doing so well, keeping her chin up and getting on with things all those months.

And she’d had so much to fill her days, what with work and the wedding and all this crazy stuff she’s been doing to try to contact me.

You’ve got to love her. She’s so loyal and so determined not to let me forget her.

And how could I? I don’t want to. I don’t want any of this.

But at the same time, I don’t want her to waste the rest of her life wishing for something she can’t have.

The problem was, I just hadn’t got myself psyched up for seeing her, and especially not seeing her looking so worn out by life.

When I saw her lying there, I really wanted to try to comfort her, and I wasn’t prepared for how I’d feel, for the overwhelming sense of loss that would hit me when I saw her.

And, of course, when she woke up, I just couldn’t tear myself away.

It was just the best thing, being back with Amy.

But then The Boss brought me back here. And thankfully Amy thought it was all a dream.

At least she didn’t just think she was going mad.

But now it looks as though it’s left her feeling low again.

So even trying to comfort her didn’t work.

Feels like I’m messing everything up right now.

Perhaps the boys and The Boss are right after all.

Perhaps the only thing for it is to make a clean break.

The more I think about it, the more I realise I should never have gone back.

I didn’t know if I’d even see her, and stupidly I thought if I did I would be strong enough to keep my distance, but of course I’d forgotten about the sadness filter up here.

Even my faulty one keeps out some of the pain of being parted from the people you love – otherwise I guess it just wouldn’t feel like heaven at all.

And I hadn’t factored in how much worse I was going to feel about not being able to be with Amy as soon as I left this place.

I just wanted to feel her in my arms again.

And then, idiot that I am, I couldn’t just leave it at that.

And now, as it turns out, since I got back it feels like the filter’s just stopped completely, so I’m feeling the full force of not being with Amy.

The Boss has got a whole team working on it, trying to get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong.

But bloody hell! I had no idea how bad it’s been for Amy.

I thought I got it, how she was feeling, but I seriously had no idea.

She’s been living with this pain all this time, but still getting on with her life, and here I am, only a few weeks into it and I’m a bloody wreck.

Amy is an absolute trooper. This grief is like when we lost Andy, and then Luke – only even more intense.

I need to talk to The Boss. See if there’s anything more he can do about this. I mean, there must be something – he’s a powerful guy after all. I need him to help Amy. And I’d really like him to sort out this filter problem.

I’m just thinking I should finish up what I’m doing and head over to HQ when I hear footsteps at the door of the workshop.

I look up from the bike I’m meant to be working on, and there’s The Boss.

‘Why the long face? As the barman said to the horse! Ah the old ones are always the best.’ He laughs.

‘Are they though?’ I reply.

‘You got a better joke?’

I shake my head. I’m not really doing funny today.

‘There you go, then. Don’t knock it if you can’t beat it.’ He looks at me. ‘Seriously, are you okay? You look like death.’

I can’t help a wry smile at that one. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Still convinced these bikes are the way forward then?’

I nod. ‘Want to give one a try?’

‘Ha ha! Like that’s going to happen! I really can’t be seen to be condoning this sort of behaviour, you know.’

‘That’s a terrible excuse. You should give it a go. One of the best forms of cardio, cycling.’

‘Nah, I’m good thanks. And I don’t think there’s much wrong with my heart,’ he says, patting his chest.

‘Does no one ever get sick up here?’

‘Not so much. Not that sort of place really, is it?’

‘I suppose not. But seriously, have a think about the cycling. You’d love it.’

‘Hmmm,’ he says, and gives me a look.

Okay, that’s a no then.

‘So, what’s happening with this filter?’ I ask. ‘You know it’s not getting any easier.’

‘I know, I know, I’m on the case. I’ve got a whole host of angels looking into it.

They’re working tirelessly round the clock – as your politicians like to say down there.

It’s rubbish, isn’t it? I know they’re not working round the clock.

They go home at night, eat, sleep and whatever, just like everyone else.

But these angels, well they really are working round the clock – no sleep for them.

But, unfortunately no joy yet. We just can’t figure it out.

Still, I’m sure they’ll get to the bottom of it soon. ’

‘Well, I wish they’d hurry up. This is seriously painful.’

‘To be fair, you’re just getting a taste of what your girlfriend’s been going through every day since you came up here,’ he reminds me, helpfully.

‘I know, she’s amazing. But even she’s struggling right now. Have you seen her lately?’

‘No. Why? What’s the matter with her?’

‘She’s in a bad way. A really bad way.’

‘Boy, that girl really loves you, doesn’t she? Come on then, show me.’ He sounds genuinely concerned.

I pass my phone to him so he can see Amy through my viewer. He can’t deny there’s a problem when he sees her looking so small and fragile.

‘See – she’s even talking about getting rid of my stuff.’

‘But I thought that was what you wanted. You’ve been desperate for her to get to this stage. She’s just starting to get over you, making the fresh start you kept on about.’ He hands my phone back to me.

‘That’s what I thought to begin with. But actually, it doesn’t seem that way.

It doesn’t look like a fresh start at all.

She’s hardly left the house in weeks. Except to go into the office, when she can face it.

She doesn’t see any of her friends. She’s not even going up to the crematorium any more. ’

‘Surely that’s a good thing? Maybe she’s worked her way through all the grief.’

‘If that’s true, then why is she turning into a recluse? That’s not what Amy’s like at all. She loves spending time with other people. She loves chatting to pretty much anyone and everyone. This hiding herself away at home thing, it’s completely out of character for Amy. You know that.’

The Boss is looking more serious now.

‘Well, let’s see.’ He’s started pacing now, which is never a good sign.

When problems are easy to solve, he’s usually straight into sorting them out, getting things moving.

I get that – it’s exactly how I used to be at work, always wanting to get on with things when the direction of travel was clear.

But it’s almost as though he’s stumped by this problem.

‘It’s my fault,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘I should never have sent you back there. I should’ve known something bad would come of it.’

‘What do you normally do when this kind of thing happens?’

‘What do you mean “normally do”? You make it sound like I do this sort of thing all the time.’

‘Don’t you?’ I ask, surprised.

‘No. I don’t make a habit of letting people go back down there.’

‘No?’

‘No! Of course not. If you must know, you’re the first in decades,’ he says, still pacing.

‘Oh, I didn’t realise. I just thought you—’

‘What? You thought I’m a soft touch and that I just let every Tom, Dick and Henry pop back to Earth?’

‘Harry.’

‘Who?’

‘Tom, Dick and Harry, not Henry.’

‘Really? Where did you get that from?’ The Boss looks unconvinced.

‘It’s always been Harry.’

‘Since when? And who’s been around longer, you or me?’

‘Oh, never mind.’

‘But you do think I’m a soft touch?’ He’s looking kind of bothered by that.

‘No, I didn’t mean—’

‘‘Cos it’s not easy, you know, having to try to strike a balance between being a dictator and being a walkover. There have to be some rules up here, it can’t be a free-for-all.

And here I am having to play both good cop and bad cop, because I’m the boss, even though everyone expects me to just be this sort of perfect god, always at peace with the world and in complete control of everything – up here and down there.

And woe betide me if anything goes wrong.

You know, when things happen that people don’t like.

Then it’s like I’m the devil incarnate – well, down there they don’t think I’m so incarnate, of course.

But you know what I mean.’ He stops pacing and sits down heavily.

I’ve never seen him look like he’s out of his depth before.

Now I’m torn. I do feel sorry for him, and I feel like I should give him a chance to get all this off his chest, but I also need him to focus on Amy. I can’t let him just leave her in that state.

‘So, is there something you can do to help Amy?’ I ask.

‘Leave it with me, I’ll see what I can do.’

‘Well, can you get the angels to make it a priority please? It looks like it’s getting worse.’

‘Don’t fret. We’ll get it sorted,’ he says, trying to be reassuring, but not succeeding.

‘But there must be something you could do right now.’

‘There’s something you could do,’ he replies, looking at me as if he’s sizing me up, seeing if I’m up to the task.

‘What? What am I meant to do?’

‘Well, it’s just a hunch, but I think you need to stop watching her. You need to cut the cord. You think you’ve not been connecting with her much, but I think you have, far more than you know.’

Stop watching her? Is he kidding? I need to know whether she’s okay. I need to look out for her. Or do I? The fact is, I know she’s not okay. I can’t do anything to help her. And she’s never going to be okay if she can’t let go.

‘So how would I do that?’

‘Delete her,’ he says firmly.

‘Delete her? What’s that meant to mean?’

‘Delete her from your contacts list. That way you can’t connect to her – and likewise for her. Oh, and you can’t keep watching her all day on the viewer.’

What the fuck? He can’t be serious. Delete Amy? That’d be like cutting my arm off.

‘But—’

‘No ifs, no buts,’ he replies. ‘You need to do this, mate. For her and for you.’

It’s like someone’s just thrown a bucket of icy water over me. Am I really up for this?

I think he must have seriously over-estimated my willpower where Amy’s concerned. Perhaps he’s taken my silence for assent, because he then adds, ‘Still on for chess tonight?’

‘Huh? What?’

‘Chess?’ He repeats. ‘Tonight?’

I swiftly refocus my thoughts.

‘Hmm. Can I maybe take a raincheck on the chess tonight? Sorry.’ The Boss looks disappointed, but I need to get my head round this idea. And I’m not going to be much use at chess while I’m trying to drum up the courage to break all ties with Amy.

I’m just about to leave when Gabe arrives at the door.

He’d usually come over and have a chat with me, but he just hands The Boss a folded piece of golden paper and waits by his side.

The Boss opens it, and a slight frown appears on his face.

He glances at me, then looks up at Gabe.

Gabe cups his hand and whispers something discreetly into The Boss’ ear.

‘Really? You’re sure?’ he looks questioningly at Gabe.

Gabe nods, ‘It is absolutely certain.’

The Boss just sits there looking a bit shellshocked.

Gabe whispers something again and tips his head very slightly in my direction.

Strange. What’s that all about?

‘It’s all right, I’ll tell him,’ The Boss replies. Gabe gives him another pointed look. The Boss has an odd look on his face. ‘I will. Leave it with me.’ Gabe looks uncertain, but nods at me and leaves the room.

The Boss turns to me. He looks rattled.

‘There’s something I – oh, look it’s getting late. I’ll catch up with you another time.’

And with that he heads out of his office.