Chapter 38
James: Look Back In Anger
I’m just playing around with the design for a new bike, trying to take my mind off how much I’m missing Amy, and I’m waiting for Luke to show up. He’s meant to be helping me with the kids’ cycling club this afternoon. This’ll be him now.
But it’s not, it’s Gabe. I’ve got a lot of time for Gabe – he’s incredibly intelligent and knowledgeable, and he has such an interesting past. And yet he’s one of the most humble guys I’ve ever met, and he has this knack of putting everyone instantly at ease.
And he loves to hear tales of life in the army.
He’s never known anything like that – his days have been spent so differently.
We can chat for hours and hours. But today he’s looking at me a bit strangely.
‘Good afternoon, James,’ he greets me.
‘Hey Gabe. You all right?’
‘I am very well, thank you.’
‘Coffee?’
The Archangels don’t seem to eat or drink very much, but I’ve been trying to encourage Gabe to try more foods.
‘How kind of you, but no, thank you. I do not require any coffee.’
‘So what’s up, Gabe?’
‘Oh. Let me see. No, nothing in particular.’
Strange. He seems a bit cagey. That’s not like Gabe at all. He’s the most open guy you could imagine.
I pass him a small bike to look at.
‘Take a look at the quality of this.’
He takes the bike but seems to be looking through it rather than at it.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘Yes, of course,’ he replies.
Okay. Clearly not something he wants to talk about.
‘I am somewhat surprised to see you here,’ he adds after a short pause.
‘Shouldn’t I be?’
He looks at me quizzically. Strange. I’m sure I didn’t have anything I needed to go to today. I’m good at memorising plans – a legacy from life in the army.
‘Has he not told you?’ he asks.
‘Hasn’t who told me what?’
‘Ah. I feared as much. He needs to tell you.’ Gabe frowns.
‘Do you mean The Boss?’
Gabe nods.
‘Well, I expect he’s been busy,’ I reply, making a small alteration to a design pinned to my workbench.
‘Hmm. I shall speak to him. He must tell you.’
Gabe sounds troubled, and I’ve never seen him with such a grave look on his face. Now I’m getting curious.
‘What’s it about?’
‘This is something he must tell you himself.’
‘Oh, come on, give me a clue.’
‘Alas, it is not my place to do so.’ Gabe shakes his head. He clearly doesn’t want to give anything away. ‘I do apologise. But in truth he should be the one to tell you. I must go now, James.’
‘Gabe!’ I call after him, running to catch up with him.
These angels move really fast, something between power-walking and gliding.
‘Please! Can you just tell me what’s going on.
It’s obviously something important, and he’s clearly not letting me know, is he?
Am I getting thrown out? Is it because I’m too miserable to stay up here?
I have tried to be more cheerful. It’s the problem with the filter, you know.
It’s just not been the same since I went back to Earth. ’
Gabe stops. He looks really torn.
This is going to be what I’ve been half-expecting for a while – dreading, if I’m honest. I know I’ve not been the same since I went back that night.
And I get that The Boss can’t be having people moping around in heaven like this.
It’s not good for the place. It’s a bit rubbish that he couldn’t fix it, but in all fairness, I know he tried – he really did all he could.
So I guess I’ll have to pack my bags and go.
It’ll be bad in the other place, but I suppose if I’m going to be miserable, I may as well be miserable where everyone else is too, instead of bringing people down up here.
And how bad can it be? Hot? I can deal with that.
I’ve served in plenty of hot places. And some of the conflict zones I’ve been to have certainly been described as hell holes before now.
Now I can tell Gabe is wavering. I’m certain it’s going to be bad news, but I just need to know.
‘I won’t tell him how I found out.’
‘Unfortunately, I fear he would suspect that I was the one who had imparted this information.’ He hesitates.
‘However, I believe you do have a right to know this. The issue is this. We have had the records double-checked, and it seems you were not, in fact, meant to die on the day you came here. Indeed, you were not due to be here for many years.’
I’m just staring at him. Is this some kind of sick joke? But Gabe doesn’t really do that kind of joke. He’s quite a serious sort.
‘What? How? I…’ I’m flabbergasted. ‘I wasn’t meant to die? So how come I’m here then?’
‘It would appear that a flaw in the system has caused this error. It is a very rare occurrence, but I suppose, like any system, it occasionally goes wrong. I am so very sorry, James.’
‘Sorry? Sorry? That’s it?’ I’m feeling numb.
‘I know this must come as a terrible shock, James.’
I’m lost for words.
‘If there is anything I can do, anything at all, you know—’ he adds.
I remember my manners finally.
‘Thanks Gabe. Thanks for letting me know. But you’re right, he bloody well should have told me himself.’
Gabe looks uncomfortable. I’m guessing he agrees with me, but feels he shouldn’t openly criticise The Boss any further.
As he turns to leave, he adds, ‘Please be assured that The Boss is reviewing the options available to him. Now, do take some time to reflect on how you feel about this, and give careful consideration to your response before you speak to him.’
I’m left reeling. A systems error? I’m here because of a bloody systems error?
But of course, that’s not the only issue.
It’s also the fact that he knew. He knew.
And he didn’t tell me! I can feel a flush of anger pounding through me.
That’s it. Fuck ‘careful consideration’! I’m going to find him. Now.
The angel at the reception desk looks up and smiles at me as I walk in.
‘Hello James. Lovely to see you. How are you?’
‘Fine, thank you,’ I almost grunt my reply. I’m not in the mood for pleasantries. ‘Is he in?’
‘Yes. I’ll just let him know you’re here—’
But I don’t wait for her to announce me. I’m already throwing the door wide open and storming into his office.
‘What the hell were you thinking? How dare you keep this from me? Your system – your system – for which you are responsible, fucks up and you don’t even bother to tell me?
I thought we were mates! Some sort of mate you are.
Makes me realise how lucky I’ve been, the mates I’ve had in the army.
They’re real mates, they’ve got my back.
Do you know what, I wouldn’t have you in my squad if you were the last person, god, whatever, on Earth.
Don’t you see the damage you’ve done? I even stupidly did what you said, and deleted Amy from my contacts this morning.
And now look at her. She’s in shreds down there.
Have you seen the state she’s in? If you’re not careful, you’ll end up with her here before her time too.
And what do you do about it? Absolutely nothing.
You couldn’t even be bothered to tell me I wasn’t meant to be here. ’
I realise you’re probably not meant to speak to God like that, but I’m absolutely furious. I’m waiting for the hellfire and damnation response. But he’s just sitting there saying nothing. He’s picking at his cuffs, like he’s nervous. He picks up a packet of biscuits from his desk and holds it out.
‘Fig roll?’
‘No, I don’t want a fucking fig roll!’ I yell. ‘Thank you,’ I add, begrudgingly.
‘But I thought you liked them. I thought they were your favourite. I got them specially.’ He looks utterly dejected. Well, he might be feeling sorry for himself, but I’m still bloody mad.
‘So, the reality is I’m here under false pretences?’
‘I really am sorry.’
‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me? Is it because you’re still sore about the bikes?’ I shout.
‘No, honest, mate. It’s not like that.’
‘Mate? Mate? My arse! And you’ve known this for how long?’
He’s looking very sheepish now.
‘A few days.’
‘And you didn’t think I had a right to know?’ I demand.
‘I was just trying to find the right time to tell you—’
‘And when exactly was that going to be? You knew, and you didn’t tell me. You should have just come out with it. I can take it. I’ve had worse news.’ Although, actually, maybe not. I’m stuck in heaven when really I was meant to be on Earth all along, still living my life with Amy.
‘But I knew you’d be upset.’
‘Well, what the fuck did you expect?’ I retort.
I was psyched up for a major showdown, but he’s hardly even attempting to defend himself.
He’s acting like he’s powerless to do anything about it, so what’s the point in keeping up the attack?
I feel like I’m going to explode with frustration if I don’t get out of here soon.
But I can’t help one last dig before I go.
‘By the way, don’t expect me to play chess with you ever again!’ I yell. And with that I march out of the office, leaving a sorry-looking god behind.