Chapter 43
Amy: (Just Like) Starting Over
The thing I’m wondering about is how on earth we are going to avoid mentioning this to everyone else?
We can’t say anything about what’s happened – that’s the deal with The Boss.
The other condition is that James had to promise The Boss he wouldn’t cycle on the roads.
He’s allowed out cycling off road, but that’s it.
Poor James, he loves his road bikes. But he’s still in touch with The Boss, and he seems to be pretty good at negotiating things with him, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back cycling on the road before long.
Just not too soon, I hope. I’m not getting involved in this dispute, but, if asked, I’d have to admit I’m with The Boss on this.
I know how much James loves cycling everywhere, but I couldn’t bear to lose him all over again.
Apparently, The Boss wasn’t keen for me to know about the time rewind.
He wanted me to be completely in the dark, so I’d never know anything had happened.
But James told him that wouldn’t work. He never kept secrets from me.
Other than the military stuff which was classified.
And there’s another reason I’m glad I know the truth about what happened.
Although it was such a sad and painful time, it was also an amazing time of new friendships and support and love.
I met some incredible people and it taught me so much about life – and death.
And I’m so grateful to have kept those memories of all we did together, of all the love and support they showed me while James was gone.
The only downside to all of this is that I miss seeing my FFC friends.
Such a special group of people. The trouble is, I don’t have any excuse to go up to the crem any more.
I don’t even have any distant relatives laid to rest there.
I went up there once with Elle. She had a particularly large order of flowers to deliver for several funerals there on one day, and as I had a day off work, I offered to go with her to help.
It was so strange as we drove along the familiar road to the crem and into the grounds I have come to love so well.
And seeing all the FFC guys, and them not knowing me was a totally surreal experience. Sad too.
I’ve told James all about them. But it’s weird, because it feels like he half-knows them already.
He was telling me that when he was looking out for me from up there on his viewer, any time I was with them he would get glimpses of them too.
It’s so sweet that he spent so much time checking I was okay.
You know, I love him even more than I did before, and I honestly didn’t think that was possible.
So anyway, I’ve had an idea for how to get to know my FFC friends all over again.
Remember when Paul advertised for the assistant manager at the crem, and how disastrously it turned out with Heather?
Well, I’ve decided that when the time comes round again and he places the advert, I’m going to apply for the job.
I have all the customer relations and marketing experience needed for the role, and more.
And as for the operations side of things, I learnt so much about how the crem is run from being there so often last year, and getting to know Paul and the team, I honestly think I’ve got a really good chance of getting it.
And not only would I be able to spend some time with the wonderful FFC people, but I’d also be doing a job I completely believe in.
The crem is such a wonderful place, and the team does such a fabulous job of treating everyone who goes there with such dignity, compassion and care.
It may sound clichéd, but they really do shed light and love on some of the darkest moments in people’s lives.
And it’s not just for one day. For some, the funeral is just the beginning of a new strand to their lives.
The first of many visits to a place where they will be able to feel a connection with a lost loved one.
A place where remembering loved ones is not seen as unduly morbid or self-indulgent, but rather is accepted as something which some people are driven to do in order to cope with their loss.
And I really want them all to meet James. I know they’re going to love him. And he’s going to love them. I know he’s not allowed to tell them this, but he is so grateful to them for having taken such good care of me while he was gone.
So, life now is pretty perfect. It’s just like it was before he went, but even better.
Why better? Because I appreciate it so much more.
Of course I was happy before, but this is a whole new level.
Experiencing loss has made me so grateful that our time together here isn’t over, that we have a second chance.
It’s going to be so wonderful living through last year and next year with James, instead of alone.
I don’t mean alone – I wasn’t completely alone.
Even when I couldn’t see it, there were always people helping, trying to pick up and put back together the pieces of broken me.
So, not alone, but without James. And travelling through life with James is just so much happier, so much more of an adventure, and so much more complete.
I’ve tried not to let the whole experience make me clingy.
I never used to be like that, and I don’t want it to change me.
It’s hard, but on the whole it’s actually been okay.
I’m learning to trust that ultimately the universe will bring you what you need.
For most people who lose a loved one, that may mean waiting until they get to the next place to be truly reunited.
I do appreciate that James and I just got exceptionally lucky.
Lucky that James is so good at chess. Lucky that James is so happy to speak his mind.
And lucky that The Boss was (eventually) willing to let James go.