Chapter 5
Tilly
“I promise, he’s being weird to everyone,” Yana says, wrapping me in a hug.
“Are you sure he doesn’t hate me? What if I said something wrong? Or maybe he’s mad that I got mad at him when I’m the one who hurt him?” My voice cracked. “Oh my God, what if I ruined everything?”
My mind is spiraling with a bunch of thoughts. It feels like a string that keeps coming, and it’s all tangled up.
As much as I am mad at Luca right now, I feel so, so horrible for our fight.
I hate fights because I always feel like I’m the reason for everything bad that is happening to me, and then I justify my torture as something I deserve because I’m at fault.
“Calm down, Tills.” Yana squeezes my shoulders. “He doesn’t hate you. Nobody knows what’s up with him—not even Matt, and that boy’s basically Luca’s twin.” She gives me a soft smile.
“And you definitely didn’t ruin the friendship.”
I know I’m probably overreacting, but my mind can’t be tamed, especially now.
“I’m gonna take a shower. If you need to spiral, do it now, because when I come back, you are not allowed to think about that boy anymore.”
When she leaves, I immediately grab my phone.
Three notifications.
From Luca.
If he thinks texting me makes up for being a zombie for five days straight, he’s tragically mistaken.
I throw myself onto the bed and grab the book I was pretending to read when Yana walked in.
But after a few pages, I realize my eyes are scanning words while my brain replays that stupid little notification over and over.
I cave.
Curiosity kills more than cats.
Maybe it’s something important.
Maybe he’s explaining.
My thumb hesitates over the screen, but when I finally open the message, my breath leaves me all at once.
It isn’t short, it definitely isn’t casual, but the worst thing is, it isn’t even meant for me.
‘Matt, I need help. I think I like Tilly. Like, or love actually. I’m not sure.
It hurts. The way she scrunches her nose when she laughs, the way her whole face lights up with a smile, the way her eyes crinkle and glow differently—blue and green, a little rebellion from her parents’ genes.
I’ve known her for half my life, and somewhere along the way, maybe it was always there, I stopped seeing her as just my best friend.
She’s Tilly, the girl who doodles hearts and flowers on wet benches and foggy windows, who carries the same water bottle everywhere, who stops to help turtles or old ladies with groceries, who is kind, fierce, funny...
I know every detail about her. Every freckle on her nose.
Every little habit. Every piece of her that makes her…
her. And I promise I didn’t do that on purpose.
I just realised that I know all this, like now.
And it’s killing me that I can’t tell her.
I want to tell her. I want to scream it so the whole world knows.
But I’m scared. What if I lose her completely?
She deserves the world. Thinking of her with anyone else makes my stomach twist. But that’s stupid.
Liking her like this is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever felt, and the only thing I’m certain of is that I’m too little for someone as extraordinary as her.
But I can’t help it. I like her. I’ve loved- liked her for longer than I realized, and it’s messing me up. ’
My heart actually stops.
He didn’t mean to send it to me. I know he didn’t. But that didn’t make it any easier to breathe.
I stare at his name.
Online.
Does he know? Is he panicking like I am?
My phone buzzes again, this time he’s calling me. My hands shake. Should I answer?
If I ignore him, it’d feel worse later. But if I answered, I might cry, and I’m not a crying in front of people kind of person.
You know what.
If he has anything to say to me, he’ll have to do it in person.
I let the phone ring out while I put my hair in a fast bun and walk down the hall.
My heart pounds so hard it hurts.
When I reach his door, I freeze.
What if he looks at me weirdly?
What if I never see my Luca again—
I knock lightly. Nothing. Knock again. Still nothing.
“Luca?” I swallow. “We need to talk,” I say, my voice barely steady.
There is some shuffling, then the door opens. His hair is a mess, his eyes red and tired.
Not from sleep, though.
He looks wrecked.
I step in and sit on his desk chair, trying to keep my hands from shaking.
“Let me say something before you do.”
I nod.
“I’m not even sure what I was thinking,” he looks at his hands.
For some reason, I wish he were looking at me.
“I needed advice. That message was supposed to go to Matt, not you. But I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I didn’t mean any of it. I meant every word. Every single one. I just—” he swallows, the pain visible in his eyes. “I didn’t mean for you to find out. You don’t deserve an I don’t know .”
“Luca…”
He rubs his face. “I’m so sorry, Tills.” His eyes are locked on mine, every emotion that can’t be said out loud pouring out of him in waves. “I don’t want to mess this up.”
The silence stretches until I can’t handle it anymore.
“I know this is messy,” I can hear my voice tremble. “And I don’t want to lie just to make it easier. You’re one of my favorite people, Luca, and I love you so much, but not in that way. I–”
I can feel the tears slipping out, as much as I try to stop them. “I’m only nineteen, and I need time to learn about myself. I feel like I just spawned into the world, and I need time to discover my passions and what I’m capable of by myself, without anyone to lean on.”
“No, I get it, you shouldn't feel bad for this at all. I just feel like an idiot.”
“You didn’t ruin anything,” I say quickly. “But I need you to stop shutting everyone out. You’ve been distant and quiet, and honestly?”
I gut up and sit next to him. “I miss you, Luca.”
He pulls me into a hug, and I let my tears fall.
I don’t know why I’m crying.
“I promise I’ll come back to you.” He pulls away, wiping my tears. “But when I do, remember—you asked for it.”
“This doesn’t change anything between us, right?” I mumble into his shirt.
“Hell no.” He grabs my waist and picks me up. “You’re still pretty, Tilly, and I’m still funny, extraordinary, amazing, extremely hot–”
I get up. “Alright, alright, need any more ego boost?”
“That would be nice, yeah.”
“See you later, Dreamer boy.
He laughs.
Thank God .