Chapter 12
Tilly
“I still can’t believe you never told me,” Zara says quietly,
The hurt is unmistakable.
“I know. I’m so sorry.” The words fall out of me like stones. “I was having such a hard time with all of this, I didn’t even realise I hadn’t told you. I-”
I feel terrible.
I feel like the worst person ever.
I feel like utter disappointment.
“I’m sorry, Zara,” is all I manage to stutter.
Zara is one of my best friends. She’s always been my safe place.
She’s the one person I don’t doubt would ever love me less.
Yet, I haven’t even thought to tell her.
No matter how busy I have been, no matter how messed up Luca has me feeling, like my world is falling off its axis, there is no excuse.
The worst part is that I wasn’t even the one who told her; it was Yana.
“I feel so terrible, Zara.” My voice cracks a little as I look at her earnestly.
“I forgive you, Tilly, I really do. Just don’t do it again. I hate being left out, especially when it’s something as important as this.”
“Yeah, I know,” I say, the sadness sitting heavy in my chest.
She hugs me, and I can only hope she actually forgives me.
“Okay,” Yana cuts in, pointing at me. “But can we focus on you for a second? Because there’s no way you’re still acting like you don’t feel anything.”
I look at Zara, and she shakes her head. “Don’t look at me like I’m going to save you. I want to know.”
I sigh. “Nope, still feeling-less.” I lay my head down on Zara’s pillow and look up.
“Listen, Yana, you’re a sucker for drama, but I promise Luca only did all of that to make me feel special, as a friend .” I pause, re-remembering that night.
Full shivers run through my body.
“Plus, I told him how I feel, and he understood. I think he just wanted to, I don’t know, make me feel better.” I tilt my head to the side and give them a knowing look. “You both know Luca would do that for any of you.”
“Tilly! Are you that stupid?” Yana shoots back, exasperated.
Zara nudges her, a warning look on her face. “Okay, maybe don’t call her stupid.”
“Fine, not stupid,” Yana aments, flipping her hair. “But clueless! Because that was not a ‘you’re my favourite person’ gesture. That was a ‘marry me’ thing.”
I roll my eyes, but my stomach twists. “No, it wasn’t.”
“Yeah, it was. Tell her, Zara.”
Zara nods. “I mean, I don’t think Luca would do that for either Yana or me, because if that’s true, he would have already.”
“Exac-” Zara cuts Yana off.
“ But , I think we should focus less on Luca and more on you, because those are the feelings that matter right now.”
I smile at her, but I’m also kind of horrified.
“So what do you feel about all of this ?” Zara asks, making a little circular motion with her finger like she’s stirring the air.
“I’m kind of confused,” I admit. “I never, ever thought Luca would feel anything for me. When I found out — through a text, of all things — I was so dumbfounded.”
I think back to that day, my heart still caught in the memory.
Over three weeks have passed, but it still sits on my chest like a bruise.
“But then I confronted him and he just… understood. End of conversation. We’re best friends. Luca might be my favourite person in the world, and I do love him, as I’ve always said. But platonically.”
Yana looks at me, offended, “Right, because he’s your best friend-”
She doesn’t get to finish as I throw my arms around her and pull her into a hug.
“You know what I meant,” I whisper into her hair.
“Sure.”
“I mean it. I love you both,” I look at Zara, “so much.”
“Yeah, but it seems like your bigger friend is Luca.” She narrows her eyes but can’t hide her smirk.
“Maybe,” I say with a sly grin, “if I’m lucky, I can have both of my favourite people without anyone dying of jealousy.”
***
I’m curled up on the couch, a book by Liana Cincotti open in my lap.
I have many comfort authors, people whose words always wrap around me like a soft blanket, but nothing ever hits quite like a cute romance.
Books aren’t really my escape because I don’t want reality to feel like it has power over me, but they help me imagine the world a little brighter.
A world where hearts don’t hurt so much, and maybe love is just a little less complicated.
“Tills, a package for you!” Yana’s voice floats from the kitchen.
“Coming!” I call, hopping up.
She is holding a smallish box, her expression suspicious.
“What is this?” she asks, peering at it as if it might explode.
“I have no clue,” I tell her honestly as I try to figure out what this could be.
I don’t remember ordering anything, though who knows what might have arrived by mistake.
I love a little mystery.
“I’m going to open this privately,” I say, scooping it up. “I don’t want you hovering over me while I admire… whatever this is.” I close the door behind me and set the box on my bed.
I tear at the paper carefully, and inside lies a note in familiar handwriting:
Dear Tilly,
I saw this and immediately thought of you. I’ve seen you reading this
book at least ten times since I met you, and I knew this was the perfect gift.
Hope you enjoy reorganizing your bookshelf just so this book fits in your collection.
-Luca
I gasp, a sound that echoes embarrassingly around the room.
My hands shake slightly as I peel away the wrapping paper.
The book is a special, signed edition of To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han.
A special, SIGNED, copy.
As Jenny Han signed this book, the cover is pretty.
My hands linger on the cover.
It’s a hardback, a soft pink, with silver lettering that shimmers when it catches the light. The edges of the pages have a dark pink gilding and beautiful letters painted on them.
Just looking at it makes my chest squeeze in the happiest kind of ache.
I have loved this book for as long as I can remember. It isn’t just the story — it’s the way it makes me feel, the bittersweet honesty, and the silly way Lara Jean thinks that makes it so relatable.
Every time I read it, I feel understood in a way reality rarely manages.
Rarely slash never because Lara is so real in a fictional way.
That makes no sense.
This edition makes it feel like the universe has paused just for me.
I grab my phone, heart racing, hands trembling like I just discovered treasure.
Luca picks up on the first ring, of course — the man has a sixth sense for my call, apparently.
“Thank you,” I say immediately, my grin threatening to split my face in two.
“Did my gift arrive?” His voice is warm.
“Yes!” I squeak, hugging the book to my chest like it might vanish if I let go. “It’s absolutely perfect.”
“Send me a photo of your shelf once you find the perfect spot for it. You know I didn’t even have to think twice. Jenny Han, your heart practically lives for her.”
I laugh. “Honestly, it’s going to be tricky finding the perfect place. Do I put it next to the normal version because they’re twins, or do I let it have its own pedestal because it’s a special edition ?”
He chuckles, “Pedestal. Definitely pedestal. Treat it like the rare artifact it is.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re so full of yourself.”
“I mean, who’s the one who found the special edition?”
“I mean it, thank you so much.” I get up and put the book on my desk.
“See you soon. I can’t wait to be back in three days.”
“Me too,” I pause, then add. “Miss you.”
“Miss you too, T.”
I pick up the book and hold it in front of me.
“Alright, ladies and gentlemen of the bookshelf council,” I mutter, tilting my head and pointing at the books as if they can hear me. “We have a new arrival. Signed, special edition, highly esteemed. Any objections to where she should go?”
I hold the new book up to my middle shelf, eyeing the other novels.
I set the book into place, slightly in front of two of my favorite special editions.
I step back, scrutinizing it from all angles. “Perfect.”
I can’t help but grin.
My shelf looks alive now, and I am absolutely obsessed with the new edition.
The words will never see the light of day since the spine will not be cracked, and I hate reading hardcovers, but it’s the pretty cover that matters.
Plus, now it feels like I have a piece of Luca in my room, and I could not be happier.