Chapter 44
Hannah
I feel like I’m going insane.
Without a real way to track time, the pruning of my skin lets me know that at least half an hour has passed while in my steamy sanctuary.
After managing to spread a towel out onto the bed, I dive my head into it ostrich-style, rubbing side to side in a desperate attempt to dry my hair.
My shirt remains soaked, clinging to my skin with an icy, relentless touch.
Alternating between my teeth and feet, I flatten the towel over the mattress as best I can, creating a small barrier so I can lie down and cover myself with the bedding. It’s a miserable way to sleep, but the shivering cold makes any effort to get warm feel worth the struggle.
Lying on my side, I’m careful not to crush my arms or my already throbbing wrists.
How long does he plan to leave me like this?
If my hands go completely numb, I’m going to say fuck it and try to break the clasp on these ties.
I know next to nothing about escaping zip ties, and regret is setting in more and more for not taking a single self-defense class.
I don’t even know if they teach that kind of thing, but something tells me they probably do.
Lying on the bed, my body shakes with the chill of my wet skin. Fall in the desert isn’t anywhere near freezing, but this room feels like the AC is cranked up, regardless of the temperature outside.
I pull my knees to my chest, curling into a ball to preserve whatever body heat I have. Knowing that I can’t simply grab the blankets and pull them tight around my body reminds me of how small and helpless I really am. I feel so dehumanized.
After repeatedly raking one foot over the covers, I manage to drag them toward me. Fishing my foot under the covers, I kick my leg up, trying to catch enough air under the sheets to parachute them over my body.
Again and again, I try to throw the covers high enough to land them over my torso.
By alternating feet, I’m finally able to settle the edge on my waist. It’s likely as good as it’s going to get.
I burrow down, shielding my shoulders from the draft.
Finally, once I’m fully covered, I lie in the quiet room listening to only my teeth chattering while trying to ignore the pulsing ache in my wrists.
Diesel has beaten himself at his own game.
He’s managed to hurt me, belittle me, and shame me without even being in the room with me.
He’s ripped away the one escape I have in here.
When I sleep, I can be with Gavin, anywhere I want.
Doing whatever I want. Tonight, I’ll be lucky to get any rest between the pain tearing at my joints and the horribly uncomfortable way I have to lie.
Solitude with no known end allows for a dangerous amount of time to let my mind wander.
No matter how hard I try to block it out, I can’t stop thinking about seeing Booker today.
The surge of relief that nearly choked me.
The ignorant thought that maybe, for once, I wouldn’t be let down by a man.
The hope that Gavin was here. He was coming for me, and Booker was just the distraction.
For a delusional moment, I’d allowed myself to believe it. But reality is a cold bitch, and she returned home just to slap me across the face.
Life isn’t a romance novel. In those pages, the hero declares he’ll burn the world down for you after spending a single night together. My life doesn’t work like that. Men don’t set the world on fire for me; I’m far more likely to be left sitting in the ashes.
As much as I want to block Diesel out, his words continue to echo through the silence.
“He knew I’d release you if he did,” he’d sneered, claiming Gavin only had to stop moving product to get me back.
It’s hard to imagine the club abruptly ending something so massive, something Gavin is so clearly passionate about.
If they stop moving those pharmaceuticals, people could die.
Real people. Not just some stripper locked up in a room.
If the choice is between saving the many or saving the one, I can’t say if I’d choose me.
Besides, the club only met me recently. Gavin barely knows me outside of the biblical sense. Sure, we’ve talked a lot over the past week, but did that make enough of an impact for him to put his business and other people’s lives on the line?
The answer feels obvious. If I had to make a guess, I’d say absolutely not. It’s too high a risk for one person. Hell, I don’t even know if I can blame him for staying away. Would I do the same for him?
Gray-green eyes come into focus behind my eyelids. His stare always feels gentle yet intense, like he’s seeing every fragmented piece of who I am all at once. He sees it all, and he doesn’t run. Ha... not like I did at the diner, after my crash out in that bathroom.
If Gavin had wanted an out, that would have been a prime opportunity.
He didn’t have to chase me down. He didn’t have to talk me into coming back inside.
And once I was back, he explained everything without a single insult or a hint of judgment.
Where lesser men would have offered degrading comments and short answers, Gavin gave me reassurance and clarity.
He could have run after I cried in bed, while our naked bodies were still tangled together.
I’d practically handed him an out, telling him I wouldn’t blame him if he bailed right then and there.
Instead, he’d taken my phone and programmed his number into it, making the effort to stay in my life.
He’d secured a constant line of communication when he could have easily walked away.
Considering all things, if the tables were turned, I would come for Gavin.
No matter where he was or what the circumstances were, I would do anything in my power to save him.
Not only has he been a solid constant for me both mentally and emotionally, but he’s always shown me nothing but respect and understanding when we’re together.
When I text, he texts back, and he’s never left me on read.
Sure, these all may be simple things one decent human being should do for another, but I haven’t been so lucky.
My own mother can’t be bothered to pick up when I call most of the time, and on the off chance she does, she spends most of the call talking about herself.
So, sure, you could say that the bar is set seriously low for Gavin to be able to step over, but regardless, he’s clearing it with ease.
It’s also easier for me to say I would save Gavin if given the chance because I’m taking less risk.
I don’t have a whole business that essentially keeps people alive on the line.
This back-and-forth in my head is maddening.
Between what I know of Gavin and what Diesel told me, I feel like I’m going insane.
Diesel wants me to believe I’m nothing but a liability to Gavin.
Meanwhile, Gavin has only ever treated me like a priority.
Since Diesel hasn’t been trustworthy in any sense towards me, I’m not going to allow his words to live rent-free in my head.
It’s poison, and he wants to break me so he can own me: both mind and body.
Tough fucking luck to him, because I’ve already faced men who tried to break me and failed.
They might not have used their fists or physically bound me, but in a way, they were worse. Their grip on me couldn’t be seen; it was something only I could feel. Like it was a game, they would gain my trust only to abuse my kindness, crafting their words so I always felt at fault or defensive.
My days consisted of playing damage control that no one else could see. I spent years molding my life to fit their preferences until I didn’t even know what my own were anymore—and all the while, they called it love.
So Diesel can hit me, piss on me, or assault me all he wants. I’ve overcome too much invisible abuse to let his physical blows break me. He has no idea that I’ve already survived the people who were supposed to love me.
Gavin has never promised to love me, yet he’s shown me more kindness and stability than anyone I’ve ever known. So fucking sad to think of considering how long he’s known me compared to most other people.
I guess it just goes to show that time doesn’t necessarily equal loyalty or commitment. Sure, time is important for both, but consistency is the real key. Anyone can be “good” for a day or a week.
Gavin’s consistency thus far is enough to let me entertain the idea that he might actually have a part in my escape. Whether he storms this place to break me out physically or makes a deal with Diesel for my freedom. Either option is better than staying here another minute.
The shivers that previously consumed my body have finally subsided, so I let my mind fantasize about Gavin saving me from this place as I drift off to sleep.