Chapter 10
Ben
The house is quiet when I stumble in, my keys barely making it to the hook. Arrow’s voice drifts from the living room, soft over the low strum of his guitar. “You planning to stand there all night, or are you going to grace us with your presence?”
There’s no ‘us.’ Corinne and my nephew have already gone to bed. It’s just Arrow and the glow of the baby monitor, and now me. Staggering in like I’ve been run over.
Arrow is sprawled on the far end of the couch, one leg propped up, guitar balanced on his thigh. The TV’s on mute, some old black-and-white movie flickering shadows across the walls. It makes the place look haunted, or maybe that’s just me…brain fried, nerves shot.
I move like I’m eighty, dragging myself to the other end of the couch and falling onto the cushions. My shirt still smells like her…vanilla, laundry soap, and sweat. Underneath, my skin burns and not in a bad way.
Arrow glances up, fingers still picking at the strings. “Date run you over, huh?” He grins, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Jesus, Ben, you look like shit.”
I try to laugh, but it comes out shredded and thin. “Yeah. Thanks for the review.”
He doesn’t let up, “Did you fuck things up, or are you just tired from using that pretty mouth of yours for once?”
The dig hits, but not in the way it should.
I let my head fall back, stare at the ceiling, trying to pin my thoughts into words.
They don’t want to cooperate. They just swirl around together, like one big clusterfuck.
April’s voice, the look on her face when she came for me, the way my cock felt in her mouth…
every detail slices in. I want to be back in that truck, her moaning my name, the rest of the world falling away.
When I don’t answer, Arrow sets the guitar down. He turns to face me, both elbows on his knees. “Talk.”
One word, and it wrecks the little control I have.
My throat burns. I try to swallow anyway.
“It’s…fuck…Arrow, what I have with April, it’s not like anything I’ve ever had before.
She’s perfect. I mean…no, she’s not, she’s got all this shit going on, but that’s what makes her…
” I run both hands through my hair, gripping the roots until it hurts.
“You should’ve seen her tonight. She just…
lights up. When I’m with her, everything else is static. ”
Arrow’s silent. Which is rare. Usually, he busts my balls. But right now, he’s looking at me like some science experiment he can’t figure out.
I run a hand over my jaw, desperate to feel something under the numbness.
“I can’t get her out of my head, man. After tonight, it’s worse.
I feel like I have no control. She looks at me, and I forget how to fucking breathe.
She trusts me, Arrow. And I can’t even…” The words die, choking on what I won’t say.
Arrow shifts, then he just blurts it out. “You’re in love.”
I let out a bitter laugh, but there’s nothing funny in it. “I barely know her, Arrow.” My hands spread like that’s explanation enough.
Arrow shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “Didn’t think I’d see the day. Ben Hayes is lovestruck. About time.”
I shift, uneasy, trying to sit up straight. “That’s not the only thing. Tonight was intense. The way she…” I bite the words off, but my face must say it all because Arrow barks a laugh.
“Must’ve been one hell of a date.” He nudges me, “You do realize you’re acting like a complete pussy, right?”
I shrug, not even hiding. “Maybe I am. I couldn’t stop thinking about her the whole drive home. I can still feel her…everywhere.” My fingers tap my knee, restless. “Everything she does wrecks me. Like I want to protect her from the whole damn world, even though I know I can’t.”
Arrow goes quiet again. He picks up the guitar, but doesn’t play this time, just fiddles with the tuning pegs. He’s watching me sideways, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I can feel my skin flush, like I’ve confessed something dirty. I never talk like this. Hell, most of the time, I don’t talk at all.
“Sounds like you’re already in deep,” Arrow says finally, voice gentle, which is strange as hell coming from him. “Is she worth it?”
My answer’s immediate. “Yeah. She is.” I don’t even care how pathetic I sound. “She’s so fucking good. Not like the other girls…she doesn’t pretend. Even when she’s scared, she goes for what she wants. And when she lets go…fuck, she gives me everything, bro.”
Arrow lets out a low whistle, shaking his head like he can’t believe I’m saying this. “Damn. You got it bad.”
We fall into silence. I stare at my hands, April’s marks are still there, faint little half-moons where she dug in. The urge to text her, see her, is like an itch I can’t scratch.
The whole room suddenly feels off-balance, too small to hold all this shit inside me. I sense Arrow watching, waiting for what I’m not saying.
I bite the inside of my cheek and clench my fists. “It’s more than that. There’s something I can’t figure out.” My voice drops. “When I’m with her, it’s perfect. But I keep thinking maybe I’m about to fuck it up, or it’ll all go to hell before I get the chance to hold onto it.”
Arrow cocks an eyebrow, setting the guitar aside completely now. His full attention is on me. “Is this about you, or about her?”
My answer sticks in my throat. I honestly don’t know. “Both? Neither? I don’t even know anymore.” I shake my head, heat crawling up my neck.
He leans forward, elbows on his knees. “Let me guess. You figure, if you don’t let her all the way in, she can’t break you?”
I flinch. Arrow’s always been too good at reading the stuff I try to hide.
“I can’t let her in because there’s shit she doesn’t know,” I admit. “Stuff that would change everything. But when I try to imagine lying to her, keeping it in, it’s like…” I can’t finish. There’s a pit in my stomach, gnawing at the inside.
Arrow lets out a slow exhale. “Jesus, man. What the hell are you carrying?”
I look away, eyes burning. My heart thuds, slow and sick. “Nothing good.”
I run my hands through my hair again, pulling until my scalp aches.
Arrow doesn’t push. He just sits there, waiting, guitar forgotten. His face is all concern now, big-brother mode engaged.
It takes everything I have not to spill it all, right here on the floor.
But I’m weak. I want to keep what I’ve found, even if it means stepping around the truth. Even if it means risking everything.
I close my eyes, let my head drop back against the couch, and try to breathe.
Somehow, I already know, I don’t have it in me to come clean.
Not yet.
The room is silent. Arrow’s watching, sensing the fault lines running under my skin. I wonder if he knows how close I am to breaking.
Hell, maybe he does.
But for now, I just sit, April’s scent clinging to my skin, her voice echoing in my head, and I don’t say another word.
I’m not sure how long we sit there, the weight of everything unsaid pressing down like wet cement. Arrow pretends to tune his guitar, but he keeps glancing up, waiting for the storm he knows is coming.
Eventually I crack.
My hands shake so bad I almost drop my phone.
Fuck it.
I lay it facedown, stand up, and start pacing. My boots thud over the rug as I chew the inside of my cheek.
Arrow leans back, arms folded. “Want to tell me what’s actually eating you, or are we going to play Silent Bob all night?”
He’s not going to quit. Might as well get it over with.
I stop by the kitchen, every instinct screaming not to turn around. “Arrow, I need to tell you something.” My voice is wrecked; all gravel and nerves.
“No shit, dude. Spit it out already.”
This is it, the point of no return.
“Have you ever heard of a place called Purgatory? It’s a sex club. Super discreet. Private rooms, weird names for everything.”
Arrow shakes his head slowly, suspicion creeping in. “Nope. Why?”
I force myself to keep going, hoping to avoid the lingering curiosity I see written all over his face.
“A month ago, I got a call. I accepted. They put me in ‘Heaven.’ There was a note, a blindfold, and a girl who wanted her first time to be…anonymous.”
Arrow’s jaw drops, eyes huge. “Wait, wait…back up.”
“Fuck, here we go.”
“So you went to some sex club called Purgatory and got put in a room called Heaven? Dude, is this some Eyes Wide Shut shit? Why am I just hearing about this now? Did they serve snacks? Do you need a membership?”
I roll my eyes so hard it hurts. “Arrow, can you get your dick out of the fantasy for one minute?”
He ignores me, eyes wide. “No, seriously, Purgatory? Heaven? Please tell me there’s a Hell, too.”
“Pretty sure there is.”
“And what, do you rack up frequent flyer miles for every orgasm? Is there, like, a confessional before you get the keys, or do they just check your STD results at the door?”
I flip him off. “You’d never pass the background check.”
He laughs, undeterred. "Do you have to bring your own lube…like BYOB, but BYOL?"
I groan. “Jesus, Arrow, I’m actually trying to tell you something important.”
He smirks, unfazed. “Just saying, a guy would appreciate a souvenir. Branded blindfold? Holy water in a shot glass?”
“Can you stop being a pervert for two seconds?”
Arrow shrugs, winking. “All right, I’m done. So, Heaven. Mystery girl. Blindfolds. Did she have wings, or just the ass of an angel?”
“For fuck’s sake, Arrow!”
He throws his hands up, still grinning like an idiot. “Okay, okay. I’ll shut up. Preach, Father Ben. Take me to church.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Arrow, this is actually serious.”
He whistles low. “I mean, if Heaven’s got you this messed up, I’d pay good money to see what goes down in Hell. But fine, continue. So, you banged a mystery chick in Heaven, didn’t see her face, and now what, she’s haunting your dick?”
I shot him a look that could kill. “I didn’t see her whole face. That’s the point. I know who she is now. I didn’t, not that night. But I do now.”
Arrow just stares, the grin finally fading when he starts putting everything together. “Well. Holy fuck.”
I keep talking, words falling out fast now that the dam is broken.
“It was her first time, she was scared shitless, but she did it anyway. All I could think about tonight was her in the truck, the way she fell apart for me, and how it was the same. The exact same.” My breath comes sharp.
“She doesn’t know, Arrow. She has no clue it was me. ”
Arrow just stares.
He finally finds his voice, “So, you’re letting her believe you’re some other guy?”
I pace faster, head down, hands yanking at my hair. “What the hell was I supposed to do? First it was…fuck, I didn’t know how to tell her. The longer I waited, the harder it got. Tonight, I kept thinking, this isn’t fair. I’m taking something she’d never give me if she knew the truth.”
Arrow doesn’t say anything right away. Then, he stands up, and it’s like I’m talking to a different person. There’s this coiled tension in him now…protective and pissed as hell.
When he speaks, his voice is a blade. “You think this ends well, Ben? You think you can build something real on a lie that fucking huge? I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
I flinch. There’s no defending it.
Arrow stalks closer, fists clenched at his sides. “She trusts you. You said that yourself. You think lying is better than just telling her the truth?”
I rake both hands over my face, completely undone. “If she finds out, she’ll never forgive me. Why the fuck would she want to be with some asshole who…who took advantage of her like that?”
Arrow gets in my face, going into big-brother mode dialed up to eleven. “If you care about her half as much as you say you do, you owe her the truth. Now. Before it’s too late.”
I can’t breathe. Every muscle’s locked tight.
He softens, just a little, but the words are steel. “If what you’ve got is real, Ben, the truth won’t break it. But the lie will. Every time. Don’t be a coward. She deserves better from you.”
My knees nearly buckle. I grip the back of the recliner, holding myself together by sheer force of will. “It’s killing me, Arrow. Every time I touch her, I’m lying to her. I want to be the guy she sees, not…this.”
Arrow finally backs off, running a hand over his mouth. He shakes his head, disappointed but not surprised. “Then fix it before you wreck the best thing you’ve ever had.”
We stand there, staring at each other. The baby monitor hums. “What if I tell her and she walks away?”
Arrow glares, eyes sharp. “What if you don’t tell her, and she finds out some other way? Are you ready for that kind of bullshit? Because I don’t think you are.”
The question hangs there, cold and mean.
I drop onto the couch, head in my hands. Arrow’s just watching me, disappointment radiating off him in waves. For a second, I consider it. Just coming clean. The relief of not having to carry it anymore.
But then I see April’s face, the way she looked at me tonight, trusting, open. The risk of breaking that is fucking terrifying.
But I’m selfish. I want her, even if it means lying for just a little longer.
Arrow sighs. “Do whatever you want, man. But when shit hits the fan, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
He grabs his guitar, leaving me with that bitter taste in my mouth.
I stare at my hands, remembering every moment. Her skin under my fingers, the way she trembled, the sounds she made.
Arrow’s words loop in my head. If what you’ve got is real, the truth won’t break it.
But I’m not brave enough. Not yet.
So, I just sit there, completely wrecked. Wondering how long I can keep this up before everything falls apart.