12. Sawyer
Chapter Twelve
SAWYER
The anticipation bubbled beneath my skin like an electric current, making every mundane action feel charged with inexplicable excitement.
As I stood under the warm cascade of the shower, I couldn't help but grin like a fool, the water masking the goofy smile that had taken up residence on my face. It had been a week — a painfully long week — since Noah and I had spent the entire night together. We’d done little talking and a great deal of kissing practice.
I’d pleasured him in the basement, then moved us to my room.
And when I sensed Avery and the guys might be thinking of returning, we’d strolled back to Noah’s place for the rest of the night.
We hadn’t closed our eyes all night long, but the week that followed had been a grind.
The Titans had a guest match in Pittsburgh, and life had gotten too busy for Noah. But tonight was different.
I turned off the shower, my fingers lingering on the tiles as I let out a contented sigh.
My mind raced with thoughts of Noah, of the way his eyes sparkled when he laughed and the way his shy smile could melt even the toughest of defenses.
It was just for fun, I reminded myself. Just two guys hooking up.
For practice. But the fluttery feeling in my stomach told me it was more than that.
With a towel wrapped around my waist, I padded into the room where Avery sprawled out on his bed.
I glanced at the clock. It was still early evening, but every minute that separated me from seeing Noah felt like an eternity.
I chose a decent outfit — a pair of black jeans matched with a black henley and a hoodie I would put on later to keep me warm on his roof — and went to the kitchen.
I rustled up something simple to eat—a grilled cheese, something that wouldn't ruin any romantic plans I might have swirling in my head.
After a quick bite, I faced the bathroom mirror, toothbrush in hand.
As I brushed my teeth, I couldn't shake the image of Noah's smile from my mind. God, was I this gone? This smitten? It was just a regular night. But it wasn’t. Usually, we would catch up and then dive into the thrills we had both been anticipating for days, but tonight was the night of the meteor shower. I wondered if he knew. He probably did, but he had never mentioned it. And I hadn’t said a word either.
Instead, I prepared a playlist on my phone and a bottle of wine, planning to take him to the roof of his dormitory, far enough above the campus lights to give us a clear view of the northern sky and the shooting stars.
I was giddy just imagining his expression.
“You’re pacing,” Avery pointed out.
I snorted. “I’m not pacing.”
Avery cleared his throat. “You are walking in a straight line from the door to the desk and back. You are literally pacing.”
“Fine. I’m pacing.” I spread my arms in surrender and shrugged in challenge. “So?”
“So, why?” Avery asked. He set his phone on the nightstand and focused his gray eyes on me. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” I said flatly. And nothing was.
I didn’t have a reason for the tingling in my fingertips and the restless curling of my toes.
I didn’t have a reason to feel like I’d swallowed a steel blade that was slashing through my insides.
It was just some grilled cheese, for fuck’s sake.
But here I was, feeling like the ground would open up and swallow me whole.
Feeling like my skin was too tight for me.
But I couldn’t handle this waiting, as if something was about to happen. The sense of foreboding filled me. It was the unbearable feeling that I was at a breaking point. Breaking point of what? I had no idea. But something was happening.
The weeks of casual fun had cost me something big, but I wasn’t able to clearly put my finger on it.
It irked me that I was nervous. The only difference in what I planned tonight versus any other meet-up was that I didn’t just want to hook up.
Not that I was bored. Hell no. But I wanted to sit with him and gaze up at the sky and listen to him talk.
And I knew how risky that whole thing was.
I checked the time, though the window already told me I should be going soon. It was getting dark outside. “I should leave,” I said, agitated before I could stop myself. Why was he so interested, anyway?
Avery sat up, set his feet on the floor, and looked into my eyes. “I’m sure he’s dying to spend time with you when you’re on edge like this.”
“Is that…sarcasm?” I asked, incredulous.
Avery blinked. “You’re evading.”
I sighed and growled at the same time, then plopped into my chair and stared at my best friend and current greatest annoyance. “Fine. But don’t tell anyone. I’ve, uh…” I bit my lip and considered my words. “I’ve been seeing someone.”
Silence followed my statement.
Avery didn’t flinch. “You don’t say.”
I scoffed. “But it’s complicated.”
“You are a mystery that keeps unraveling,” he said, looking into my eyes coolly.
“And you are getting cocky. Just because some chick taught you sarcasm, you don’t have to rub my nose in it.
” I narrowed my eyes at him. To be honest, it suited him.
I just wished I could be as composed as he was.
“Anyway, he…I guess, first of all, he’s a he.
But it’s…not so simple. I don’t know how to explain it…
” Without giving Noah’s personal things away.
I’m not outing him as a virgin before meeting me.
“Let me try,” Avery said. “You met this guy. Let’s just call him — oh, I don’t know — Professor Physics. And Professor Physics got under your skin. And you’re scared about what that will do to your reputation.”
I couldn’t believe several things he had just said, but mainly how wrong he got it. It wasn’t my reputation I was worried about. If anything, being around Noah cleared my reputation up some. I shook my head. “First of all, I don’t even know how you came up with that pseudonym.”
Avery exhaled shortly through his nose, basically rapturing with laughter in normal people’s terms. “Let’s just say you haven’t bitched about studying all semester.”
“Ah, so you noticed that,” I said, then pushed that can of worms aside and focused on the timely problem. “I don’t know what to do. And I need you to swear you won’t speak a word of this to anyone.”
Avery crossed his heart. Footsteps thudded on the stairs and hallway outside the room.
“I feel like we’ve been sneaking around for too long,” I admitted. “It’s for his own good. He’s, uh…” Damn. There was no subtle way of putting it, but I tried. “He’s not like us, Avery. He doesn’t screw around.”
“I don’t understand,” Avery said. “You want a boyfriend who screws around?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “No. I don’t want him to be my boyfriend.
” Because that will just get him stuck with his first guy, and he’ll miss out on all the things I had plenty of.
“He’s too inexperienced for a relationship,” I said, agitation rising.
“It’s too soon. He’s definitely not ready for something like that.
Hell, I don’t even know if I’m ready. Or if I’ll ever be. ”
Avery sucked his teeth. “That’s a tough one.”
I glared at him. “‘That’s a tough one?’ Is that all you have to say after dragging it out of me?
” I wanted to sit with Noah and gaze at the night sky and make wishes.
I wanted the sweet, relaxed evenings in the company of a guy who made my heart dance like mad.
I wanted…ah, I wanted what was best for Noah.
And tangling him into the confines of a relationship wasn’t right.
“I’m thinking,” Avery said. He blinked once, then nodded. “You need to tell him.”
And pressure him into wasting the years meant for exploration on me? “Out of the question.”
“I don’t see another way,” Avery said.
I shrugged. I really wanted to just sit with Noah and take his hand in mine.
But maybe that was the whole problem. I was putting my wishes first instead of considering what he needed now.
Holding his hand would suit me just fine.
I was tired of chasing cheap thrills. But Noah hadn’t even had a taste of it.
So, instead of being selfish and luring him into a trap that would only result in resentment, I had to do the right thing.
No matter how much it hurt my heart to recognize it, I knew I was the problem.
I’d done too much, too often, to be any good for him.
He needed to go out there and make mistakes, fall in love, get his heart broken, sleep around, then find the same conclusion I did.
I only wished I’d met him a couple of years later when he was sick of this lifestyle as much as I was of mine.
I inhaled and held that breath of air in my lungs then sighed. “I see another way.”
Footsteps thudded abruptly on the other side of the door, and a frown creased my brow.
Noah
There was a meteor shower tonight, and I had the best idea ever.
I’d already played it out in my head a million times. This was the right moment. We were in the middle of the semester and we knew that two more years still lay ahead of us. That was plenty of time to figure stuff out. But I’d already figured out the most important.
When I saw him skating across the ice last week, my heart stumbled repeatedly. When I saw him caught by Heather afterward, jealousy filled me so much that I only knew the red heat of rage. He was mine, I had thought to myself.
And it all made perfect sense. But one piece was missing. I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him and hope for the best.
When I realized the meteor shower was happening tonight, when we normally spent time together, everything fell into place. I imagined it so clearly, even now, as I walked across campus from my place to his to surprise him and make sure he was with me on time.
“There it is,” I would say and point at the sky.