1. Caden
Chapter One
CADEN
Son of a bitch.
My ears rang as horror rocked my entire body. The expectant smile that had decorated my face just ten seconds ago was still there, but frozen in disbelief.
Coach Murray was supposed to announce me as the captain. I had been Riley’s assistant captain for a year and the first in line to take over for two years after my exemplary performance on the ice in our first few games. But that nepotist fuck, that self-satisfied ass, that…douchebag!
I clenched my fists and forced some calm onto my face as rage boiled beneath the stony surface.
Coach Murray’s words echoed in my skull as the guys shifted uncomfortably in a collective shock.
“After a lot of thinking, the assistant coaches and I came to the decision to name Beckett Partridge as the captain of the Arctic Titans for this year. I understand that this comes as a surprise to some of you, but I would like to remind everyone in this room that none of the staff encouraged any other expectations. Let me be perfectly clear: The decision to name the captain rests in our hands. As far as the assistant coaches and I are concerned, any expectations of a different outcome were nothing but wishful thinking.” His tone had turned a little less formal then, but he hadn’t even looked at me.
“I expect you boys to follow Partridge like you followed Brooks.”
That goddamn thief, I growled internally, and my stomach turned whenever I pictured Beckett Partridge’s self-satisfied face growing more smug with each heartbeat. There would be no living with him after this, which was a great fucking mess considering we lived in the same house.
I could feel rage rippling beneath my skin.
It bubbled in my stomach, fueled by two years of putting up with Beckett Partridge as a teammate. To stare at another two with him as my captain, flaunting what was rightfully mine, was almost as bad as if Coach had simply taken me off the team.
Awkwardness settled in the locker room when Coach Murray nodded and left. There were words of congratulation directed at Beckett. I couldn’t blame the guys for that, but I had no ambition to participate. Instead, I sorted my things, hung my duffel over my shoulder, and stormed out.
It’s not fair, I snapped internally. I wanted to catch up with Coach Murray and tell him so myself, but he was nowhere to be found by the time I reached the end of the long hallway.
His office door was shut and no voices were coming through.
Even if there were, I couldn’t just barge in and spill all my anger at the man who had my fate in his hands.
And I wasn’t going to meekly knock on his door either, then plead nicely.
Being nice had gotten me here in the first place.
What had Beckett Partridge ever done to earn the captaincy?
He’d been jerking off for two years while waiting for an opening, then called Nate Partridge for a special favor.
I had no doubt about that. I’d seen Beckett do worse things in the two years of living a door away from him.
I’d watched him lead a girl on until she fell in love with him, only to pretend he’d barely ever met her.
I’d seen him spend more time preparing a cheat sheet for Introduction to Mass Communication our first year than actually studying.
To plead with his famous winger uncle to boost his own career was something I would never put past Beckett Partridge.
That smug prick!
I reached the team house before anyone else, barged into it, stomped my way up the stairs, and slammed the door of my room closed so that the foundations of the old neocolonial house trembled.
The room was bare, save for a few things of my own and the beanbag Riley had left behind when Cameron protested the idea of taking it.
“I’ve got my beanbag right here,” Riley had said, poking Cameron in the ribs with his elbow.
I threw my duffel on the floor and nosedived into my bed.
The knock that pulled me out of the den of darkness where my mind had been cowering was meek enough that I didn’t have the heart to turn whoever it was away.
Unless Beckett’s punchable face entered the room.
In that case, I had a list of creative ways to send him on his way.
Many involved ruining his perfect nose or splitting one of his full lips.
“What?” I asked. It was the absolute most polite tone I could find in myself.
A hinge creaked when Sawyer swaggered into my room. He shut the door behind his back and cocked his head. “Premeditating?”
I snorted. “I don’t see a shovel in your hands, so why on Earth are you here?”
Sawyer shrugged and walked over to Riley’s bed. Well, it’s not anymore. He sat down on the edge and I sat up so my back rested against the bare wall, feet dangling off my bed.
Our star goalie sighed. “I can’t help you murder a Partridge. They’ll raise hell to catch the culprits.”
“Right. Your life did just get better,” I pointed out softly.
Sawyer, the chaotic bisexual menace, was settling into an unlikely relationship.
His physics tutor, who was also the smartest guy on campus, received some dating lessons from Sawyer and turned out to be a quick learner as well as a talented teacher.
The two had been dating for some four or five months now.
“I can’t drag you into my plots, but we could have been a fun pair on the run. ”
“I’m getting Thelma and Louise vibes, Caden.” Sawyer lifted one eyebrow and leaned back on his elbows.
I threw my hands up in surrender. “Fine. We’re not killing anyone.”
Sawyer nodded firmly as if we’d seriously considered it and I swore not to pursue that path. “As to why on Earth I’m here, I guess I figured you needed some company.”
I returned his nod. I wasn’t sure if I needed the company of solitude.
While I’d been alone, I’d hoped to vent to someone.
Hell, I’d missed Riley in these ten or twenty minutes more than I had thought I ever would.
My ex-roommate and I had had a good relationship with earned mutual respect and similar views on many things, including Beckett’s unbearable smirks.
“I appreciate it,” I said. Perhaps he could have taken me to the nearest punching bag.
“For what it’s worth, I honestly thought you bagged the captaincy,” Sawyer said. “It’s not fair.”
“You can say that again.” A sigh left me before I could stop it. I gritted my teeth as another wave of anger, mixed with bruised pride, spiderwebbed through me. We sat in silence because I wasn’t going to let myself be a mopey kid crying over something he couldn’t change. But damn, I felt like it.
Two years of neglecting everything else in my life got me nothing.
Two years of living with my team, practicing daily, conditioning, bonding, and cutting off every desire that had ever sprung through my chest because I couldn’t afford distractions, left me less than I would have had if I had screwed around and drank and arrived late at least twice a week.
Beckett could be late.
Beckett could drag a trail of swooning girls wherever he went.
Beckett could chug a keg and retain his firm abs.
And when all was said and done, he could reach out for the most coveted spot on the team, leaving me with nothing but regrets.
God dammit, what had I done with my life?
Aside from Riley, who’d been openly gay since coming to Northwood, I wasn’t officially out to anyone.
Not even Sawyer knew. He hadn’t advertised his sexuality all too much, either, so I’d never known for sure.
But me? I’d hidden it like it was a taint on my perfect record because athletes simply weren’t gay.
Not here, not anywhere. Just now, I looked around and noticed some tiny shifts in queer visibility in sports, thanks to blazers like Riley and Cameron, who had kissed on the ice in front of tens of thousands of onlookers last spring.
Slow determination unfolded within me.
“Oh, you look…murder-y again,” Sawyer pointed out.
I shook my head and snorted. “Nah, I’m not killing him. If Coach thinks Beckett’s ready to lead, that’s on him. And if Beckett thinks he’s got what it takes, he’s cockier than I thought. As for me…” I shrugged. “I’m done chasing the wheel like a raving dog.”
Sawyer frowned deeply. “You don’t mean…”
“Leaving the team? No. I can’t miss the opportunity to see Beckett attempt to chew all he’s bitten off.
I’ll be around. But I think I know what my place is around here.
And I’m done putting in more than I’m required.
He’s the captain. He can lead by example and I’ll follow to a dot. We’ll see how far that will get us.”
Sawyer moaned and whimpered softly, shaking his head in disappointment. “Shit, man. We had this last year with Riley and Cam. Do we have to go through the same mess again?”
I shook my head decisively. “Not the same thing. Cam and Riley couldn’t work together because of their history. Us? Well, I can work with anyone, but they need to be serious about it. And Beckett is the least serious hockey player I ever had the misfortune of meeting.”
“You’re so gonna end up fucking, I can’t even…” Sawyer rolled his eyes.
I gawked at him. “What?”
He laughed out loud. “Sorry. That was inappropriate. But it would fit the pattern.”
I narrowed my eyes at my supposed friend. “We are not going to end up fucking. He’s straight. And awful.”
It wasn’t until I’d spoken the words and noticed his expression soften that I realized my blunder. “And you?” Sawyer asked, not unkindly.
I inhaled and held my breath. “I think you know already.”
Sawyer reached and touched the side of his nose with his index finger. “Don’t worry. I can keep my tongue in check if that’s what you want.”
I closed my eyes, my heart skipping a beat, and breathed for a moment.
A decision had already revealed itself. So, I shook my head.
“I don’t have anything to hide. My parents know.
Riley knew. You suspected, obviously. And it’s not like I’ve got shiny career opportunities raining on me that I need to hide. ”
“That’s not exactly true. Um. On several levels, Caden.
” Sawyer’s head bobbed from one side to the other.
His long locks fall over his broody face.
“Your career isn't over. Plenty of us don’t have agents yet. Besides, being gay isn’t that big of a deal anymore.
You saw Riley and Cam sucking the souls out of each other’s mouths in front of countless people. Half of them were haters, too.”
That was true. Half the crowd had been cheering for our opponents.
Like many times, they left the rink disappointed.
But I wasn’t sure if that gave me as much pleasure as it had before Coach Murray’s announcement.
I inhaled and held my breath for a little while, then shook my head at Sawyer.
“The thing is, I can’t find it in me to care. ”
Sawyer sat up and hopped off the bed and onto his feet just as I stood. He marched up to me and slapped a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t give up, Caden. It just means all the effort was for nothing.”
I bit my tongue and nodded. Obviously, Sawyer didn’t understand. The effort was already made meaningless. Two years of exemplary behavior failed to make me a leader. It only went to show everyone what a good follower I was.
I saw Sawyer out of my room, flung the wardrobe open, and rummaged through my things.
It took careful thinking in combining the tame clothes I owned, but I settled on a stiff-collared, bright shirt with an intricate floral pattern and a pair of tight, dark blue pants that emphasized all the important parts.
The mirror looked hot when I looked at it.
My butt was firm, my front bulged in a decent-yet-noticeable way, and my shoulders were athletically broad and in contrast with my narrow waist.
I looked ready to break some rules.