CADEN #4
I let the corners of my lips twitch on the verge of a smile.
When I looked at him again, he pushed himself away from the door and towards me.
There were still two paces between us and I used the distance to get the words out.
If he got any closer, I would falter. “That’s why it’s so hard to ask you this.
And listen, I don’t blame you one bit. It’s your life.
You get to call the shots. But I have a life, too, and I can’t go on like this.
I need more, Beckett, but I know it’s unfair to ask that of you. I just know I can’t do this anymore.”
“Why? Why now?” Panic was obvious when it rose to his face and voice.
I inhaled a shaky breath of air. “I take full responsibility, I swear. But I’m only able to do that now.
I know where that will get us if we keep sneaking around like this.
Where it’ll get me. And I don’t want to go back to hating you.
” It’s worse than dying, I thought and decided not to say those words.
“I only just came out properly. I can’t live in the shadows when every part of me shudders at the idea.
And you’re still just discovering yourself, which probably makes me the worst guy in the world.
But, I wanna be your friend through it.”
“Stop,” he said, his frown now freer. He made another step toward me and I was about to break.
“No. I can’t. I need to get this off my chest. Beckett, I can’t go back into the closet with you.
” The words were harsher than any I had hoped to utter.
I blinked at the morphing expression on his face.
He went from surprise and mild annoyance to total disappointment.
“I’ll be here for you, I promise. I will. ”
Beckett’s face hardened. He shook his head.
“I think I’m good,” he said. He made the last step toward me, but it wasn’t to take me and convince me otherwise.
He lingered some inches away from me, never letting our bodies touch.
“I’m not confused. I’m not gay. Or bi. Or straight.
And I’m not searching for a label, either, Caden.
It’s not my sexuality. It’s all you. You’re my type.
” The determination to confront me with these things faded and his features softened.
“It’s not boys. It’s not girls.” He looked into my eyes and I found a glimmer of hope there, but he blinked it away.
“You said you wanted to ask me something. Something I won’t be able to do.
” It was a plea. It was like he hoped I was about to ask him for anything but the very thing I needed most.
Be my partner.
Be my boyfriend.
Let everyone see if they wish.
“You already know,” I whispered over the knot in my throat.
Beckett cleared his throat as he stepped back. Regret pooled in his eyes. “Caden, I…”
When his voice wavered and faded out, I nodded. “I know that. And I won’t push you. I would never push you.”
“If only we could…” But he didn’t say it. He didn’t add insult to my injured heart by proposing we just keep things as they were. “Ah.” He forced on a smile, then shook his head. “I get it.”
Of all the things I had expected, this was not one. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t fighting me. He wasn’t making it worse by trying to persuade me. Christ, why did he have to be so adult about it? Gratitude for such a responsible reaction filled me as much as I wished to be convinced otherwise.
“You’re the best thing that happened to me,” Beckett said as he pulled away from me gracefully. “Don’t go back to hating me, now.”
“I couldn’t,” I said.
He shrugged. “I’m a coward, Jones. I knew that. I just didn’t realize how big of a coward I was until now.”
I knew you wouldn’t fight for us, I thought, but it served no point to throw that blame at him. It was my fault anyway. I had known this was inevitable. I just hadn’t realized how hard it would be to let him go. “It’s not your fault.”
“You keep saying that,” he said quietly, just a little louder than a whisper.
I shook my head. “I mean it. It’s nobody’s fault.
We need…different things.” I need a guy who’ll stick by me when others are in sight.
I saw no point in saying that. Instead, I stepped forward.
I gently took his shirt in my right fist, softly inching his body closer to mine, and pressed my lips against his one last time.
In my heart, I made a promise. If I were still single when Beckett worked through his feelings and reached a conclusion, and if he still wanted me, I wouldn’t hesitate. All these many weeks of having him showed me just how easily I could get used to him.
I kissed him even though it pained me. I kissed him goodbye, all the while hoping it wasn’t the last.
Beckett pulled away first. Maybe he was the smarter one out of the two of us. Maybe he was hurt. Whatever the answer, I kept my eyes closed when he pulled away and opened the door of my room, walked out, and closed it behind him. He was gone.
When I opened my eyes, I felt no better. I still didn’t have what I wanted. Emptiness in my chest told me of a heart beating only to sustain my life. My guts were steel; my legs were lead. I couldn’t feel my hands.
At least I wasn’t teasing an impossible future for myself. At least I wasn’t going down the road where the destination was resentment and bitterness. And tomorrow, when a new day comes, I would honor my promise.
I would be his friend.