13. Grayson #2
I had wanted him to admire my clever gifts and funny texts. I had wanted him to think of no one else because I would be enough. My vanity.
I was such a waste of oxygen, making someone crush on me so I would feel good about myself. Making him fall for me just so I could prove my parents wrong for severing contact.
“It’s okay,” Cole said, his chin resting on the back of my head as he wrapped himself around me. “Let it all out. You can cry.”
I didn’t know how long I was like that. I held my breath to stifle my sobs until sweat broke over me. And when I inhaled, I hiccuped like a toddler on his first day in kindergarten. I was a collapsing mess of tears and sweat, and I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole and make this stop.
But it wouldn’t. And the pain passed. Not enough to go on living, but enough to sit straight again.
Cole and I had another round of dry gin.
We sat in silence, like two people in mourning.
Nothing either one of us could say would start to make things right.
It wasn’t his lack of caring, I realized.
Far from it. He cared enough to let us be quiet no matter how awkward it could get.
He had changed me when I was wet and defrosted me when I was an idiot.
He had gotten gin into me so I would blow some steam off.
And he sat with me as I mentally plugged out.
I gave up things one after the other. Lectures, gone; drills, not doing them; gym, not even going close to it.
Love? I would never be so cruel again to trick someone into loving me. I didn’t deserve it.
The person who strolled into the kitchen was nonchalant about having his fingers in the wrecking of my life. He moved as if I wasn’t here. He opened the fridge like he hadn’t just broken two hearts with his evil words.
And when he became aware of my murderous gaze on the back of his neck, he shut the fridge door, crossed his arms, and sat on the edge of the kitchen counter. “You’ll be fine,” he assured me.
Cole grabbed my wrist before I could search for something to throw at Spencer.
“It was an obsession,” he said. “You do that. A lot.”
I clenched my teeth. Rage simmered in me. It took physical effort to push it aside. Even then, I felt it lapping against my walls like the stormy waves against a sea wall.
“I’ve seen it a million times, Gray. You obsess over a thing, the thing passes, you cry, and then you’re fine again.” He shrugged, and I realized he didn’t have a single doubt about how right he was. “Someday, you’ll probably thank me.”
The look on Avery’s face flickered before my eyes.
I saw it as clearly as if he was in front of me.
That instant of immeasurable pain in the moment of finding out I had lied to and played him.
The idea that I had never had any good intentions at all.
It had lasted less than a second before he had pulled his cold, composed mask on.
And it had been enough to leave me bleeding.
I tightened the walls around my head as I stood up.
Cole couldn’t contain me when I ripped my arm free.
I walked up to Spencer, not bothering to appear intimidating.
I was taller, broader, and far more deadly now that I had nothing to lose.
I didn’t need to appear any way at all. I was a danger to him and it made his muscles tight when he sensed it.
As I pressed close to him, he had nowhere to go.
I could have snapped him like a twig, left him pissing himself on the floor, crying for his mom to kiss the booboo.
Instead, I shook my head. “You’re not worth the skin on my knuckles if I punched you,” I whispered in a tight, hateful voice.
“You’re a jealous little shit, Spencer.”
“You’re angry,” Spencer said. “I get it. It’s fine. Get all your insults out of your system.”
I pulled a step back. I didn’t want to scare him.
I didn’t want him to shit his pants. I didn’t want to split his high cheekbones with my fists.
“I’m not angry,” I said. “Heartbroken? Yes. Very much so.” The fucker almost pouted mockingly, but he couldn’t trigger me.
“And done. I’m done with this friendship.
As a matter of fact, I’ve been done for a long time.
” It made him wince. “Do you want to know the truth? I’ll tell you the truth.
Avery didn’t pull me away from this. I ran.
I fucking ran because you are a toxic fuckboy incapable of feeling anything good.
You can’t love. You can barely laugh, and even then, it’s fake.
You are fake, Spencer.” I looked into his eyes. “You’re not a real person.”
Horror showed on his face worse than if I’d stabbed him. “You’re just hurting me.”
“If you were capable of feeling pain,” I spat back. “But you’re not. You’re a parasite, riding along for fun, adding nothing, only taking. You don’t feel. You don’t care. You’re nothing.”
“I just wanted my friend back,” he said sourly.
“That’s never gonna happen, asshole. You lost that chance tonight. You were out to hurt me and to hurt him.” I clenched my fists harder. All he had done was rooted in my wrongdoings. And I could blame him for being a callous, heartless bastard, but I was the one who broke Avery.
“He’s a fucking Titan, Gray,” Spencer spat.
“I don’t care if he’s a lunatic from Mars.
He was mine.” I shouted those words far louder than I’d meant.
Even if I’d been the one to break Avery, I wasn’t letting anyone else do him injustice.
“And what are these petty differences? His team welcomed me to their house. They were good to me. But you have to look around and search for enemies, always turning people against people. You don’t have a good opinion of anyone you meet, Spencer.
You don’t like anyone, least of all yourself. ”
Spencer cracked a forced smile. “Fine.” He lifted his hands in surrender. “I’m the worst. But what about Cole? He called your guy a sociopath.”
“It was a joke,” Cole protested.
“And he apologized,” I pointed out. “And I forgave him. Instantly. As easy as that. Because he was honest when he said he was sorry, which is more than you could ever do.”
“I’m not sorry,” Spencer said flatly.
If he couldn’t have me, nobody could have me. I’d seen that logic play out too many times to count, but I had never cared enough about anything to drive a wedge between us. He had been an easy friend to keep even with his toxicity. And I had been an idiot to play along.
“What are you still doing here?” I asked.
My voice was dropping dangerously low. “We’re done.
I swear, Spencer. You are dead to me. Play on my team, do as you’re told, and chase your career goals.
I won’t treat you any differently on ice.
But when we leave the rink, you better get as far away from me as you can.
If you see me walking, cross the street.
If you speak to me, I’ll rip your forked tongue out. ” I inhaled a calming breath of air.
“Hate me all you like, it was for your own good,” he said.
I swallowed and stepped further back from him. “I don’t hate you.” It was almost true. The hatred I felt was mostly for myself, but it was hard to disentangle him from it. “I feel nothing for you at all. Nothing.” And I turned away from him.
My eyes brimmed with tears again and I grabbed the bottle of gin to pour myself another shot. Fuck this. Heat tickled my face as my tears spilled, but Spencer walked away silently. He knew I meant it. He knew he needed to find another victim to suck blood from.
I wasn’t fooling myself thinking he wouldn’t be a problem, but I truly felt no loyalty to him anymore. And whatever problems he caused down the line would be dealt with if they were impossible to ignore.
Ignore. That was my first strategy.
Cole and I exchanged a look after I’d wiped the tears from my eyes. “I’m sorry, Gray,” he said.
It wasn’t his fault. And this wasn’t an apology. He just felt for me.
I wheezed a breath of air into my lungs and shuddered as I exhaled. “I love him, Cole,” I admitted. “I never told him. Too soon, too soon. It always felt too soon, so I just didn’t.”
Cole was quiet for a little bit, then opened his mouth and hesitated again. Finally, he shrugged. “Maybe he’ll calm down, Gray. Maybe you can still tell him.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “No.” Silence seemingly lasted a lifetime.
“I’ll never get to see Avery again.” And even if I did, even if he played against me on Friday, he wouldn’t listen to me.
And he shouldn’t. I was a liar. He couldn’t trust a word from my lips.
At best, he could kick my ass and feel slightly better about the things I’d done to him.
And frankly, I hoped it would happen. We both needed it.