5. Nate #2
I had been there once, almost a year ago, after Beckett had kissed Caden on live television and in front of the crowded rink.
Seeing it had felt like getting punched in my stomach.
Oh, I was proud of my nephew for his courage, but the moment still shamed me.
I hadn’t had the balls to do anything like it.
Two twenty-year-olds had so casually reached out and made their dreams come true when I never could.
Despite all the influence my name carried, I’d always been too cowardly to take what I wanted.
“What are you thinking about?” Carter asked softly.
“The weather.”
He chuckled, clearly seeing that I lied. “Wanna talk about it?”
I shot him a warning look, but he only bumped into me like we were playing. I scrambled to find a distraction. “I knew you’d be great if I pushed you out there.”
“Please.” He waved his hand dismissively.
“I wasn’t that great. Actually, I was terrified of fucking up.
” He glanced at me as if I would scold him for foul language.
There was still some of that kid left in him, which was a sobering thought.
Unintentionally, I veered a little to the left, making more room between our bodies.
Carter continued after a heartbeat. “Asher did great. And Beckett.”
“You should be proud of yourself, Carter,” I said. “You’re way more talented than you admit.”
He said nothing, but his gaze was on my face for so long that I looked away. After a long silence, he said softly, “You showed us some real coaching tonight, Nate.”
I rolled my shoulders in a hesitant shrug. “Eh, I was having fun doing this.”
“Maybe it’s not all that bad,” he suggested. “Maybe you do have a purpose in doing this.”
“And maybe you do, too,” I said.
He winced. It wasn’t subtle, but it wasn’t forced, either. When he next spoke, his voice was tighter. “I don’t think I have a choice.”
That made me halt, and Carter stopped just as abruptly, turning to me but looking down. “Do you dislike it so much, Carter?”
“I keep telling you,” he whispered. “It doesn’t matter what I think.”
By instinct, I grabbed his upper arms, feeling the heat of his bare flesh on my hands and my own guts twisting with feelings I wasn’t supposed to have. “Carter, nobody can force you to do anything.”
“Think again,” he said, lifting his head defiantly.
He took a small step toward me, and my body froze.
I didn’t move back now when he was despairing, but my muscles screamed for me to create some buffer between us, some zone of safety.
“Would you believe me if I told you I had no control over my life? It’s a little like getting injured and your life changing around it.
It’s just that my injury isn’t physical. It’s my dad’s plans for me.”
It was my turn to wince. The phantom pain slashed through my collarbone. “What are you saying, Carter?” I let my hands drop from his arms now that I felt like an appropriate amount of time had passed.
“I’m saying that everything I do was planned by someone else.” His tone was flat and tired. “College, hockey, gym, and practice. I don’t have a say in where my life is headed.”
“These are good things, Carter,” I said, then immediately regretted it.
“You sound exactly like him,” Carter said sulkily. “They’re good for you, maybe. But nobody’s ever asked me if I wanted this, Nate. You never asked me, either.”
I licked my lips to buy myself time. My heart was beating faster, and my palms were growing slick with sweat. “I assumed…” My voice trailed.
Carter closed his eyes. “That’s right. Everyone assumes.”
“Carter, I didn’t realize how strongly you felt this,” I said carefully.
Carter bit his lower lip and lowered his head, shooting me a look from under his eyebrows.
His brow creased as his eyebrows dragged up, and he shook his head.
“The thing is, I can’t tell that to anyone.
Dad wouldn’t listen. The other guys are shaping their lives around hockey.
Fuck, man, you’re my coach, and you’re still the only person I can admit this to.
” He shuddered. “I feel like a fucking traitor.”
Part of me wanted to hug him and tell him he wasn’t a traitor, but I couldn’t trust myself to do that.
I couldn’t trust myself to be near him. He was already digging into my private life — by accident or design — too deep.
If I hugged him, he’d either misinterpret it or worse.
What if I couldn’t control myself at all?
“There has to be a way,” I said. “Look, you convinced me. It wasn’t that hard. Dana will listen.”
Carter shot me a skeptical look. “Dana will not listen, Nate. You two drifted apart for too long. You don’t know him like I do. Me being here is all he ever talks about. He doesn’t call me to ask how I’m doing. God forbid we mention my piano. All he wants to know is if you think I’m good enough.”
“Piano?” I thought Carter played guitar.
He waved his hand like it didn’t matter. Blinking fast, he turned his head away from me. “I’m sorry, Coach. I didn’t mean to drop all this on you.”
“It’s alright,” I promised him. “I’m glad you told me.”
He didn’t turn to leave yet. Instead, he looked at me again, his eyes shining a little brighter.
Tears, I realized. He wasn’t all light and happy.
Those were unspilled tears catching the lights from the deserted street.
“A bit of honesty can’t hurt anyone,” he said, his tone too careful not to have a double meaning.
“Some truths are more dangerous than others,” I said in a tighter voice.
“Dangerous?” he scoffed. “I can’t see how.”
“Carter…”
“I get it,” he cut me off. “A kid like me has no reason to know those things, but here we are.”
“What are you trying to say, Prince?” I asked, my voice dropping near to a growl.
He shared a sad smile. “You were Uncle Nate when I was small. I’ll never forget how cool you were.
Do you believe me when I say that I used to think you visited us because you wanted to hang out with me?
” He laughed out loud, but there was a heavy note of sorrow in there.
“You have a way of making people feel special. And you know what? When I came out to Dad, he only worried that it would hurt my chances to make it as a pro. You convinced him those things didn’t matter anymore. ”
I clenched my teeth. Yeah, I’d talked some sense into Dana.
The very same sense I had lacked all my life.
If I had to carry the burden that the patriarchal, heteronormative society had placed on my chest, there was no reason the next generation should, too.
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked coldly.
“Did you ever think you should follow your own advice?” Carter asked.
I stepped away from him, my back pressing against the wall of some student facility near the center of Northwood’s campus. The Thinker was only around the corner, and most people there knew me as their coach or the famed hockey royalty. “We shouldn’t be talking about this, Carter.”
“Why not?” he asked. “We’re sharing secrets.”
“Are you threatening me, kid?” I demanded, my temper flaring before I could rein it in.
“What?” He was horrified, eyebrows rising all the way up, brow creasing, mouth dropping open. “Why would I…?”
“I don’t know. Why would you?” I asked, anger getting the better of me. “Whatever you think you know…”
“I think?” It was his turn to be angry, and I had to admit he had the right.
He knew the truth. Running from that wasn’t an option.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I only meant to offer you the same courtesy.
Now you know what haunts me. And I know what you’re hiding.
I thought sharing a secret might help lift some of the burden. ”
“It doesn’t,” I said. “And I would rather if we never mentioned this again.”
“Really?” Carter frowned. “And if I tell you I feel a million times better now that I shared my problems with you?”
“It’s not the same thing,” I said, softening my voice at last. “You’re young. Your life is still ahead of you. You should make your choices and not let anyone dictate what you do. This…this is different. I’m too old to change the way I live.” This was as close as I would go in discussing it.
Something about Carter made me want to open up. There was a softness to him and the sort of empathy I hadn’t often encountered in my life. But they were deceptive, even if he didn’t want them to be.
My life was kept together by duct tape and prayers. I couldn’t risk losing what little of my reputation was left by suddenly coming out of the closet. The closet was just fine. I’d spent my best years in there.
“Nate, I just want to help,” Carter said, stepping toward me.
I looked deep into his light brown eyes and wondered what to do with him. He knew everything. He was right about most things. In the end, it was my stubbornness that stopped me. “I’ve been living a double life since I can remember, Carter,” I whispered. “I don’t mean to change that now.”
As he took another step toward me, I had nowhere else to go.
We were inches apart, and Carter was looking up, his gaze locked on mine, his eyes shining bright, his lips slick after he’d licked them.
“We’ve got more in common than you want to admit.
” After a moment, he looked down. “And I have more secrets than I could tell you in one night.”
My heart clenched hard. He was dancing around something devastatingly dangerous. “Carter, we should…”