Chapter 25
Bristling, Thea exited the conservatory doors and stalked into the gardens.
She should have stayed, exiting a dinner early was not done, but she couldn’t bear the superiority of both ladies and men any longer.
She hadn’t meant to say anything. This would definitely not be what George would consider ‘behaving herself’.
She could simply have allowed Emma to preach to Doctor Travers about his desperately dull lecture, but somehow, she hadn’t been able to.
She was tired of the condescension and the constant superiority.
The relentless ascent to the pinnacle of society, never mind who you dragged yourself over to get there.
They could put down Doctor Travers as he did not have the money or rank.
They could put down Thea even though she had those things, because she didn’t have a gregarious nature or the will to conform.
She could drown in it, or she could fight.
But now George would be even more furious, she thought with a sigh as she trudged across the scythed lawn. His pre-marriage commitment that he was happy to have an interesting wife with interesting ideas had clearly gone up in flames.
Her time at Hawkdean and Milford had been a welcome relief from this disdainful society, but she still didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere.
Not in London society, not at her marital home, and it seemed that her own family were getting on very well without her.
Martha was her security, but now hearing the details of what she and Crumpacker had been through together, she felt like she wasn’t enough for anyone.
That hurt more than the rest. She felt so small and insignificant in the face of Martha’s exploration and achievements and Harriet’s brilliantly social nature that she simply had to leave.
Ultimately, she felt like a boring outsider in a society she was forced to participate in.
She kicked a rock that turned out to be sheep poo, presumably from the errant sheep flock, and stood for a minute, staring at the sky and gritting her teeth.
When her heat rate settled a little, she used the dwindling light to find the ha-ha, sitting down and dangling her feet over the edge.
In no hurry to return, she watched the sun drop and meet the horizon.
‘I thought you might be enjoying the air,’ said Martha’s voice behind her.
Thea didn’t turn. ‘I’m just sitting and lamenting the loss of any respect I enjoyed from polite society,’ she said.
‘Granted the lecture was indescribably dull, but they are so superior. How dare they?’ She felt Martha pause behind her and turned.
Martha stood a few feet away, right next to Dr Travers. ‘Oh, hello,’ said Thea.
‘I thought I might see that you were alright,’ said Martha. ‘And Doctor Travers thought he would take you up on your offer of a sensible escape from the jaws of society dinners. I thought he might find an encouraging voice in you.’ Martha looked at Thea pointedly.
‘Of course,’ said Thea, her mind racing as she wondered how to rescue the situation.
‘Good idea. Good evening. Again. Dr Travers. I did enjoy your lecture, as I said inside, and would be happy to discuss thermal mass further, of course.’ Dr Travers nodded at her and fiddled with the cane in his hands.
Thea was sure she saw Martha roll her eyes to the heavens before she gave him a little shove towards Thea.
‘Why don’t you sit down, Dr Travers? I should return to the party so we aren’t all missed but I am sure you two will have plenty to discuss.
’ Dr Travers took the cue and sat down about four yards from Thea on the edge of the ha-ha.
Thea heard Martha’s footsteps recede. She wondered what to say.
How could she get over admitting in front of him that she found the lecture dull?
Just as she was trying to combine a form of words, he spoke up.
‘I should thank you, Your Grace, for speaking up for me inside. It was very much appreciated.’
‘That is my pleasure,’ said Thea, withering a little inside at his politeness. ‘Good science must be defended.’
There was a pause. ‘Even if it is indescribably dull?’ Her heart thudded at his overt acknowledgement, but as she turned to him to apologise, she saw a shy smile on his face.
‘I know it was,’ he said. ‘I know what people like, and it is not that.’ He was a gentle man, she thought.
There was nothing brusque about him and he had a light tone to his voice.
She felt comfortable with him out here at the edge of the parkland.
‘What is it people like?’ she asked, glancing up at him.
‘Cats and mechanical pigs, it seems,’ said Dr Travers, smiling a little more widely out over the estate. ‘Definitely flames. Not on their own cushions. But for those of us of a more factual bent, at least something involving a little… fun. I used to be great at it.’
Thea looked a little blank. ‘Then why the protracted discussion of thermal transfer?’ She caught herself. ‘Fascinating as it was.’
Dr Travers kicked his heels against the ha-ha wall. ‘There is a lot of criticism about science being diluted for enjoyment,’ he said.
‘Ah,’ she said, understanding. ‘And so, you changed your show?’
‘Yes.’
‘From something that you knew worked?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
Dr Travers thought for a moment. ‘I suppose, in many cases, the people saying this are people I respect. People with incredible minds whose brilliance in science I could never hope to match. And I try to fit in.’ A memory came back to Thea of a time she and Martha had attended one of Dr Gibson’s lectures.
He also focussed on physics and had tried to make the death of a bird into entertainment in the name of science.
But Meg, ostensibly his assistant but who Thea had later found out was the brains behind the lectures, had stopped him.
‘Let me guess,’ said Thea. ‘They are mathematicians and physicists and make snide comment on anyone who does not conduct study exactly as they see fit?’
Dr Travers smiled and nodded. ‘They don’t always say it; I just feel it.’
Thea felt that statement in her very core. Doctor Travers went on. ‘I question my own judgement and think I should be like them.’
‘When that isn’t your passion or way of being,’ she said.
‘Exactly.’
Thea turned to him for the first time, twisting to sit sideways on the ha-ha.
How much they had in common, in their different ways.
She thought about how she should express her thoughts and fell back on the words she had heard from Meg that day at the lecture.
‘I once heard something from someone I know little but admire a great deal. She said that the kind of thing you do is not pure science, it is entertainment.’ Dr Travers looked like he might not understand, so she went on.
‘Those people you respect may be experts in their own field, but they are not experts in yours. The communication of science is entirely different to the creation of it. Neither diminishes the other and what you do is just as important.’
A smile tugged at Dr Travers’ lips. ‘I should thank you for standing up for me so vehemently at dinner, even though you knew my delivery was poor.’
Thea leaned back on her arms, looking up at the sky where clouds were edged bright with moonlight.
‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have,’ she said. ‘It is not done to disagree with Emma Fairclough, but I cannot bear her superiority. The rest of them follow, apart from Lady Foxmore who you have just met, and Mrs Henry who doesn’t give a fig what anyone thinks of her.
I could see you doubting yourself because of them and it did not seem fair. ’
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Dr Travers cock his head as he too looked at the stars. ‘And do you give a fig what people think of you?’ He dropped his head to the side and looked at her nervously, ‘I mean, if you don’t mind me asking, Your Grace?’
‘I don’t mind,’ she chuckled, relaxing a little.
She liked scientists, and they always seemed to revive her after a stint in society, however disastrous.
‘I do give a fig what people think of me. I have tried not to, but I do.’ It did feel good to admit it.
There was something about talking to someone that you had never met before, and might never see again, that engendered honesty.
‘I have to, on one hand, because I am married to a man who demands it. On the other, I usually feel like I know myself when I am with my plants and collections. I have doubted it recently, but if I think about it, I do feel like we are making progress and like my existence means something. But then I come back to the real world with these people in it and that all slips away. They are not interested, and so it seems like everything I am becomes invalid.’
‘Is the validity dependent on their interest?’ asked Doctor Travers. ‘What if the thing you offer is simply different?’
She smiled at him throwing her own point back to her.
Then another disappointment from the night reared its head.
‘I so wanted to be the first to germinate that protea. The one that Knatchbull showed the gentlemen today. I am not even important enough for him to gloat to.’ She blinked and looked up at him, scared she had shared too much, but he only smiled at her.
‘And yet the achievements you have still remain – your plants and collections. Lady Foxmore informed me that you are exceedingly accomplished. There will be plants – hundreds more.’
‘But it means nothing,’ said Thea, emotion swelling her chest as she tried to keep it contained. ‘And Lady Foxmore is so wonderfully accomplished. She put herself between a gun and a sacred tiger, for goodness sake. Sometimes I buy an expensive rock.’
‘You build a collection,’ said Dr Travers. ‘You engage in the long and often frustrating process of natural philosophy. It may mean nothing to them, but it does not make your achievements any less or make you any less accomplished or principled.’
‘But that doesn’t matter to them,’ said Thea, ‘you heard how rude they were to you because they weren’t personally interested in your work.
They think it is acceptable to lecture someone like yourself, who is doing good work, and allow them to be belittled by people who have never had to fight or work for themselves.
They have other challenges of course, and I would never diminish them, but it should not be a pass to superiority. ’
‘You think so lowly of yourself, Your Grace,’ said Dr Travers, ‘but if you do not mind me saying, it was only you who stood up for me in there. Your difference made you kind. Perhaps, not following the crowd is often better?’
‘Better, but uncomfortable,’ said Thea, the emotion beginning to turn to resignation.
‘Following the crowd can also be uncomfortable,’ said Dr Travers. ‘You saw my demonstration. We all get things wrong, at times, but we learn, and I have learned tonight. You stick to your principles, and I must stick to mine.’
Thea thought for a moment. It had been uncomfortable, but why should she remain quiet when the ‘polite’ thing to do was so objectionable? Dr Travers was right – she knew where her place was and she shouldn’t allow others to define her. She sat up a little straighter.
‘If you are not getting things wrong, I am not sure you are approaching life correctly, Dr Travers,’ she said, turning to him once more. ‘What do you think?’
He smiled back at her. ‘I think you may be on to something there, your grace. Perhaps if we have a little more faith in ourselves, we may both thrive a little more fully?’
Thea thought about this and decided that the best insight often came from the most unassuming people. She stood, brushing the grass from her dress. ‘What say you escort me back to the house? Perhaps we should stop hiding ourselves?’
‘Absolutely,’ said Doctor Travers, straightening his waistcoat and squaring his shoulders. ‘We will have the courage of our convictions in the face of a demeaning society.’
‘And we will go among them with confidence and a charm borne of the assurance of our endeavours,’ said Thea, warming to their game. She held out her arm and he offered his, before pausing.
‘Not for too long though,’ he said, glancing at her. ‘If I am to have the courage of my convictions, one of them is that people exhaust me.’ Just hearing someone articulate something she felt so deeply gave Thea the final boost she needed.
She held up the arm not currently held by Doctor Travers and pointed forwards, as if they went into battle. ‘We will go among them for at least a half an hour or so until we become tired of the company!’ she belted out across the estate.
Doctor Travers laughed a twinkling laugh full of joy. ‘And tomorrow, we study.’