Chapter 37
Casey
Siobhan smiles at me weakly as I pace back and forth across the kitchen. “It’s not going to help,” she says, idly clicking her knitting needles together. “Trust me, I’ve done this a thousand times already.”
“How can you be so calm?”
“I’m screaming on the inside, but on the outside—” She raises up the scarf she’s making. “I keep my hands busy.”
“I don’t know how to do anything like that.”
“Alcohol is a close second.” She nudges my glass of wine toward me. “Sit down and drink it.”
I force myself into a chair and take small sips. There’s nothing either of us can do, and it drives me absolutely insane.
Declan’s out there risking his life. He’s hunting down Donnell and Senesi while I’m stuck in here doing nothing. He wouldn’t have all these problems if he hadn’t married me in the first place.
“I’m the reason he might die tonight,” I say, staring into the distance. The wine really isn’t helping. I think it might be making me even more depressed.
“We both know that isn’t true.” Siobhan keeps on knitting and doesn’t even break stride. “My husband’s cancer had nothing to do with you.”
“Well, that’s true, but still—”
“And Donnell’s questionable loyalties also have nothing to do with you.”
“Senesi’s here because of me.”
“That’s true, and he’s certainly making life harder, but even he isn’t your fault. You know the phrase about the sins of the parents?”
“I’m just so powerless!” I jump up, unable to help myself, and start pacing again.
Siobhan gives me a sad smile but doesn’t ask me to sit down again.
I didn’t expect to feel like this. It’s one thing knowing Declan’s job is dangerous and potentially deadly, but it’s another waiting around in a room knowing he might never come home again.
I miss the days when he was just my asshole boss.
Except back then I didn’t know him the way I do now.
He was only Boss Bastard. I didn’t know his laugh, his smile, his touch. I didn’t know how it felt to kiss him and let him hold me. Life might’ve been simpler, but it was also gray and boring.
I miss Natalie. I’d bring her back if I could.
But I don’t actually think I’d trade the way things are now for the way I was back then.
“This is what it’s like when you care.” Siobhan glances at me, smiling slightly now. She seems more tired than I’ve ever seen her before. “You let it get inside and then it eats at you. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? But there’s nothing else you can do. No real alternatives.”
“I just want my husband to come home.”
“Good. I do too.” She pats the chair next to her and fills another glass of wine for me. “Come learn how to make a scarf. I bet you’ll like it.”
Reluctantly, I do my best to concentrate on what she’s telling me. Time passes like cold butter until there’s finally some action out front. I jump to my feet, and even some of Siobhan’s calm breaks and her anxiety leaks through.
Seamus comes into the room first. He nods to his mother as he unstraps a bulletproof vest. “I come bearing gifts.”
“Where’s Declan?” I can’t keep myself quiet any longer. I feel like I’m going to explode into a thousand little anxiety-filled pieces.
“Worried about me?” My husband limps in after his brother. He grimaces as he takes off his vest, and I notice a few slugs are trapped in the Kevlar. I run to him, almost screaming with relief, but stop short when I realize he’s clutching his chest.
“You’re hurt.” I tug at his shirt and make him show me what happened. An ugly bruise is blooming across his ribs on the right side. “You need a doctor.”
“I’m fine. Honestly.”
I want to argue, but there’s more commotion. Another group of men comes into the house. I crane my neck and spot them heading toward the basement door. My blood runs cold when I realize they’re Whelan soldiers dragging a partially unconscious and blood-covered Donnell behind them.
Declan’s hand is light on my lower back. “It’ll be okay, baby,” he says in my ear. “We’re handling it.”
“You aren’t handling anything.” I turn on him, squaring my shoulders and clenching my jaw. “You’re coming with me.”
His eyebrows raise, and he looks amused. “I have more work to do.”
“Seamus can ask Donnell questions. Unless you’re the only man in your family who knows how to torture people?”
“She’s got a point,” Seamus says, sounding amused. “I don’t mind. I already talked to Alina and let her know I’m fine.”
Declan clearly doesn’t like it, but I pull him from the kitchen and drag him upstairs to our suite. He grumbles the whole way about looking weak and the men thinking he’s soft, but I just ignore him.
“Sit down.” I steer him to the bed. “And now let’s get this off.” I help him remove the shirt.
“I told you already, Casey, I’m okay. It’s not even that—” He flinches and curses. “What the fuck was that?”
“I lightly poked you.” I do it again, and he snarls at me. “Are you seriously going to keep telling me you’re fine?”
“Because I am. It could have been worse.”
I freeze, feeling cold all over. “How close was it back there?”
He looks at me for a moment, and his face softens. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Just tell me the truth.”
“It was an ambush. Donnell was waiting for us. But we went in harder than he expected, and we got more than a little lucky. The old bastard was there in person thinking he’d get to witness my murder firsthand. Probably wanted to gloat over my corpse.”
I have to steady myself on the bed. I sink down beside him and lean against his shoulder, breathing in his smell, trying to remind myself that he’s here and it’s Donnell down in the basement.
“They knew you were coming.”
“Or they expected us to hit them at some point.”
“Do you think that Maguire kid sold you out?”
His expression darkens. “We’re going to have a very frank conversation about that soon, but not right now. There are bigger issues to solve.”
I push myself to my feet. I don’t have the luxury of collapsing right now. I kiss him and make sure he stays seated as I go into the bathroom and find the fully stocked first aid kit.
I make him take some ibuprofen and wrap him in bandages. I assume he’s not actively bleeding, or else the medication will make that worse. Once that’s done, I help him change into more comfortable clothes and get him to swear he’ll speak with the family doctor soon.
“You’re too important to risk.” I kiss his neck and rub his shoulders. He sighs and leans into me.
“There’s no helping it right now. I have to show strength. I can’t hide behind my men while there’s killing to do. Not right now.”
“But you’re the boss. You delegate.”
“Most of the time you’re right, but I can’t ask these people to risk their lives if I’m not willing to do it too.”
“Declan—”
“I know it’s hard.” He touches my cheek lightly. It’s much gentler than I’m used to from him. “I promise, I’m not doing anything I don’t absolutely have to.”
“You’re going after Senesi next, aren’t you?”
He nods slowly. “I have a good idea where we’ll find him thanks to the treasure trove of documents your mother left.”
“I can’t ask you to do it alone.”
“You’re not, baby. I’m going because I want to.”
I shake my head, trying to find the words, but suddenly everything fails me. Tears fill my eyes, and I fight against them. I know emotion like that only frustrates him. I steady myself and press closer to his warm, powerful body, shaking slightly with frustration.
“If you go, I’m going too.”
“That’s not an option.”
“He’s my curse, Declan. He came after my family. He killed my parents. I have to be there at the end.”
“I can’t risk you.”
“The same way I can’t risk you?” I sit up and stare at him, gathering myself. “I’m not asking. I’m telling. When you go after Senesi, I want to be there.”
He seems sad as he shakes his head. “There’s no way that can happen, Casey.”
“I love you, Declan. I fell, and it’s like I’m still falling. But I swear, I’ll walk away from this if you don’t respect my wishes right now.”
He seems surprised. Maybe it’s because I haven’t actually said those words to him before, even though I thought it was pretty obvious. Or maybe it’s the threat I’m making.
“I love you too. That’s why you can’t come.”
“That’s why I will.” I stand up, hands balled into fists. “We’re going to end this together. No matter what, I have to face him. Otherwise, I’ll never get closure. I’ll never move on.”
He clearly wants to keep arguing, but some of the fight flows out from him. He nods slowly with a low sigh. “We’ll see. I’m not saying yes. But I’m not saying no.”
“Good choice.” I sit back down beside him. “Otherwise, I was going to storm out dramatically.”
“I’m not sure I have the energy to chase you right now.”
“That’s okay. You stay there.” I push him back lightly and straddle his hips, grinding back into his crotch. “I can take care of you for a while.”
He laughs lightly, then cringes in pain. “You don’t even care that you’re torturing me, do you?”
“No, not really.”
“Monster.”
“You love it.”
“I really, really do.”
I kiss his lips, his neck, and down a little lower, because I love it too.