Chapter 27
REGAN
Kelly refills my wine glass and plops down on the couch beside me. “You sure you’re okay? You’ve never appeared on my doorstep like this before.”
“No, I’m fine, and if you don’t want me hanging around—“
“Are you kidding? I’ve been living alone for like two years and I’m sick of it. You want to stay a few months?”
I smile at her. I know she’s saying that to be nice, but it does help. “I think we’ll try one night first and go from there.”
“Here’s to roommates for a night then.” She clinks her glass to mine and sips. “You want to talk about it?”
“About what?”
“I don’t know, maybe the reason you appeared out of nowhere asking if you could crash at my place with no clothes, no phone charger, not even a change of underwear? Seriously, how do you not have a change of underwear? I keep a pair on me at all times.”
“I mean, it’s fine, it’s nothing—wait, you keep underwear on you at all times?”
“Constantly. Seriously. I have a pair in all my bags.”
“That’s… really?”
“Girl, what is better than a fresh pair of underwear? If I’m feeling down, new undies. Feeling gross? New undies. Bored? New undies. Horny?”
“Okay! Got it!”
“Seriously, you don’t have to tell me what happened, but I can listen if you want.”
I cradle my wine in both hands. I’ve been here for a couple hours and she hasn’t so much as pressed once until now.
That’s what I love about Kelly, she’s always quick to forgive and willing to let people be who they are.
If I told her I’d rather we didn’t say anything, she’d accept that and move on.
But I feel like I owe her at least some explanation.
“My family’s going through something right now,” I say, thinking of how I can possibly phrase this. My brother betrayed my family’s criminal organization to a rival Russian Bratva and might be running for his life, plus my father’s an abusive asshole. I should probably start small.
“Family’s hard,” she says with a nod.
“Mine’s harder than most. My dad… well, I mean, you know…”
“Your father, the big scary CEO of our company? Yes I’m very aware of him.”
“He’s always like that, you know what I mean? There’s no other… mode with him.”
“That must’ve been hard.”
“It was, but I learned how to deal with it. Except lately… I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t want to be… the shape he wants. Does that make any sense?”
“Not really, but I’m catching pieces.” She puts a hand on my knee. “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with whatever this is, Regan. You’re a good person. When I first got hired, nobody was all that nice to me, except for you. Do you remember inviting me to lunch?”
“Honestly? Not at all.”
“Well, you did, and I haven’t forgotten it.”
“Are you letting me stay over because I asked to sit with you at lunch?”
“Yes! And no, but mostly yes. I’m trying to say you do good things for people, and whatever’s happening now, you don’t deserve it.” She hesitates, her eyes flicking to the window, and her voice lowers. “Are you in trouble? Does this have to do with that guy you married?”
“No, it doesn’t.” Thinking about Liam sends a thrill into my core. I hate the way we left our last conversation. I was so mad at the way he handled it, but now I can see it was exactly the way my father took the news. Maybe I have more of him in me than I like to admit.
“Are you sure? You can tell me. There are, uh, resources—“
“No, no, seriously, no, I don’t need resources. Liam’s not the problem, not really anyway. He’s a symptom, if anything.”
“Uh huh. Right, that makes sense.”
“I know it doesn’t, but trust me here. My family made some stupid choices and now… I have to figure out how to handle it. And I need a night away to sort it all out.”
“Well, you can have that here.” She sits back and crosses her legs, turning her attention to the TV. “Shall we watch some mindless bullshit?”
“Oh yes please. I love mindless bullshit. There better be housewives and possibly young horny idiots involved.”
“Uh, yeah, what else is there?”
We don’t talk for another hour. It’s really nice. I sip wine, watch bizarre old ladies scream at each other and get inappropriately drunk, and do my best to feel like I’m normal.
Which lasts all of two episodes before there’s a knock at the door.
Kelly jumps up to answer and comes back with a very concerned expression.
“Uh, Regan? So, you probably won’t like this, but your husband is waiting outside.
He says he wants to talk to you, but he won’t force you to come down.
He says—“ She grunts in frustration. “I forget, it was a whole thing, but the gist is he wants to talk but won’t force you. He’s waiting in the park a block over. ”
“Oh,” I say stupidly, trying to process. “He told you all that?”
“I know! I had to memorize it all in like ten seconds!” She chews a nail and looks over her shoulder. “For what it’s worth, he seemed very… sorry. I don’t know.”
My guts twist. My mouth is dry. Wine doesn’t help. I stand and pace before peeking out the window. The street is empty and quiet; there’s no motion on the sidewalk.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to stay in here and keep hiding. I could watch all the TV in the world and act like everything’s fine.
But that’s what the old Regan would’ve done, and I want to be better than that. The old Regan would do her best to smile and act as though the house wasn’t on fire. The new Regan needs to get a damn hose and start spraying.
“I’ll go talk to him.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s fine, really. Liam’s not the issue.”
“I know you said that, but—“
“If I’m not back in a half hour, call the cops.”
“Oh god, that doesn’t inspire confidence.”
“I’ll be back, don’t worry.” I hug her quickly. “Thanks for being my friend.”
“Anytime. I’ll be right here.”
I leave the apartment. I don’t want to, but I do it anyway. Back there, inside, it’s safety and comfort. It’s everything I desperately crave.
Out here is scary, but it’s real, and it’s where I really need to be.
The moon’s out in full. The street’s mostly empty at this hour.
I find the park, barely more than some grass, a few benches, a small path, and a playground.
Liam’s sitting against a swing, his massive body clearly too big.
It’s almost funny as I approach, hugging myself against the chill night air.
He watches, face bright in the moonlight.
“I’m glad you came. You didn’t have to.”
“How’d you know I was here?”
“Didn’t. Took me a while to hunt you down.”
“Well, you found me, congrats. What do you want, Liam?”
He doesn’t speak at first. It takes a lot of effort not to go to him.
I know it’s not his fault Luke made a horrible choice, but part of me is still angry with the way Liam handled it.
He acts like feelings, relationships, romance, this thing between us, are all barely more than liabilities at best.
But our relationships define us. Who we spend our time with, the jobs we do, the people we meet, the way we speak, love, laugh, tell jokes, and cry, that’s what we are.
I can’t be like him and pretend people don’t matter.
And I wish he’d stop trying to convince himself that it’s true, that he doesn’t need anyone but himself and the Whelans.
“I’m sorry, Regan. I fucked up earlier, and I’m sorry.”
That’s not what I was expecting.
I almost blurt out, it’s okay don’t worry, mostly because I’ve been trained to avoid conflict.
I’m the new Regan now, so I take a moment to think.
“What are you sorry for?”
He steps away from the swing. The chain sways. “I was callous at the diner. You were hurting and I treated you like a child. It was stupid of me.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve gone my whole life thinking I didn’t need anyone. I never had to worry about someone else’s needs before. Until you came along.”
I worry my bottom lip, watching as he comes closer. My big, beautiful husband. He’s scary in the darkness, and if I didn’t feel this need pulsing between my legs, I might run away.
Except it’s always like this when Liam’s around. He draws me to him, no matter what happened, even when I think it’s going to kill me he’s still there to devour the space between us. I feel my walls crumbling, but I’m not ready to forgive him, not yet.
“How do I know you’re not going to keep doing this to me?” I hold up a hand, stopping him from getting too close. He listens and doesn’t advance further. “How do I know we’re a team? And you’re not going to shut down again?”
“I promise—“
“No, no more promises. That’s your thing, isn’t it? You swear up and down, you never break your word, but what’s that mean? How’s it matter? I don’t know… if I can trust…”
“I swear, Regan.” His voice trembles. He steps closer.
I flinch back and I can tell that hurts him.
“All my life I’ve kept up walls. Everyone but Finn was nothing more than an obstacle.
I went through hell when I was young, and I made myself promise I would never let another living person ruin me again, never let them get under my skin, hurt me, steal from me.
I build walls against the world, let myself scar over, until you showed up and started digging all that away.
You tore into me, Regan, in ways I never imagined.
Seeing you burn that car, the joy it brought you and realizing how that might’ve been the first moment you’ve ever been alive, it changed me, seeing you change too.
I don’t want… to be like this. I need… to be with you.
I swear, Regan, on everything I am, everything I want to be, no more holding back, no more keeping you away. I want this. I want you.”
My heart beats so fast my head feels light.
It’s everything I wanted him to say and more.
I move toward him but stop short, still afraid of taking that last step.
What happens if we do? What happens if I lose myself in him, let myself trust him fully, only for him to be like my father?
I won’t shrink back, not anymore. I’ll never make myself small and perfect for another person ever again.
“I want you too,” I whisper, my voice cracking with how much it hurts to say. “But there’s still Luke… there’s the war… I don’t know what to do, Liam. I don’t know where to go.”
“Let me help.”
“He’s missing…”
“We’ll find him.”
“I don’t know…”
“I know. I know.” He closes the distance between us and pulls me against him.
I gasp, hugging him tight as the smell of him envelopes me, the warmth of his arms and the firmness of his chest bleeding into me, giving me enough strength to stay upright as he tightens his grip on me.
“I’m here, love, I’m here and I’m bringing you home.
I don’t care what your father said to you.
He doesn’t matter anymore. We’ll find your brother and we’ll fix this. ”
“I want to believe you.”
“You don’t have to. I’ll show you.” He pulls back enough to kiss me. His mouth devours mine and I tumble into it, shocked at how good it feels and how it brings me back from the brink. I moan into that kiss, whimper and gasp, tears streaming down my face.
“I want this,” I tell him, kissing him again, desperate for more. “I want it and I’m afraid of it.”
“I care about you, Regan, so fucking much it hurts. I love you. I broke for you already. You take me somewhere… somewhere safe, somewhere I never thought I could go.”
I gasp with the shock of hearing those words coming from a man I didn’t think would ever be capable of saying them. I kiss him furiously now, holding on tight, and even though my brother’s still missing—even though he’s gone somewhere far away, probably into hiding—
Somewhere safe.
I pull away from Liam with a jerk and a startled yelp.
“What’s wrong?” Concern burns across his face. His eyes scan the park. “Are you okay?”
“I know!” I kiss him again, beaming now. “I think I know where Luke is hiding?”
He smiles like I’ve lost my mind, which, to be fair, I probably did a while back.
“Alright then love. You lead the way and I’ll happily follow.”