Chapter 28 Caroline
CAROLINE
The front desk lady looks from Finn to me to Liam back to Finn and back to me again. She’s frowning so deep it looks like her forehead is about to crumple into dust.
“The room’s ready,” she says very slowly. “But are you sure everything’s okay?”
“Totally fine,” Liam answers quickly before I can. “My friend’s just drunk, is all.”
“Wasted,” Finn murmurs. He’s grinning madly and his face is pale as death. We stripped off his bloody clothes, bandaged him up tightly, and switched him into sweats. His injuries aren’t visible, but he’s still deeply drugged up.
The woman sighs and starts typing. “Here’s your key card and here’s a spare. The Presidential Suite is the floor marked P at the top of elevator 2. If you need anything else—”
“Thanks a ton!” I say and quickly help Liam drag Finn away.
“What a nice person,” Finn whispers happily. “I hope she doesn’t call the cops.”
“You and me both, pal.” I grunt as he cranes his neck to peer back at the exhausted-looking hotel employee. She’s watching and shaking her head like she’s seen a lot and she’s sick of it.
We make it to the room. It’s a massive, gorgeous suite with a front sitting section, a living area, a full kitchen, and two bedrooms. Finn slumps down on the couch with a sigh, stretching out and slouching so far I’m afraid he’s going to topple onto the floor.
“I’ll get the doctor,” Liam says, checking the refrigerator. He finds a beer and pockets it. “Keep him conscious and talking.”
“What about the bleeding?”
“We got it mostly under control. The doc will handle the rest.”
I wring my hands nervously and glance over my shoulder. Finn’s fluffing a pillow. “I thought he said no hospitals.”
“Which is why I’m going to pay an extremely shady but fairly competent medical student—”
“Wait, student!?”
Liam looks exasperated. “Yes, he’s a student in his last year, and he’s solid. He does good work, keeps his mouth shut, and isn’t on the main Whelan payroll, which means it won’t get back to Declan. He’s my guy straight up. You want better, you’re welcome to find it.”
I shake my head and wave him off. “You’re right. Go get the doctor.”
“Thank you for accepting my expertise. I’m going to be a couple hours. Just hang tight.”
Liam leaves and it feels like the expansive suite suddenly gets very, very warm and extremely small.
Finn’s still lying on the couch, but now he’s only half awake.
His eyelids are fluttering. I find a bottle of champagne in the fridge, no doubt obscenely expensive, and crack it open. I don’t offer any to my patient.
“Hey, you have to stay awake.” I sit down at his feet and jostle him. “No passing out.”
“Hard not to,” he murmurs, still smiling, but he seems a little less loopy. “You drugged me.”
“That was Liam, but he was right to do it.”
“You think I can’t handle some pain?”
“I think there’s no reason for you to suffer if you don’t have to. Now, keep it together.”
He grunts in response. I drink some champagne, mostly to steady my nerves. My hands are still shaking and the adrenaline is finally beginning to burn off.
I can still hear the bark of gunfire from that house. It went so exceptionally wrong so damn fast I don’t even know what happened. Liam only gave me bits and pieces, but we were too busy keeping Finn alive and getting here before we were spotted.
“You’re pretty.”
I jerk sideways and frown. Finn’s smile is slightly less strained. “You’re high.”
“Both true statements.”
“Okay, big guy.” I laugh and pat his leg. “Since you’re talking, why don’t you tell me why you got shot?”
He makes an annoyed face. “Your stupid brother wouldn’t die. He was waiting for us.”
That catches my attention.
“Seriously? Waiting how?”
“I don’t know. We went in and it was all wrong. There were way too many soldiers. Ten times what there normally are. And Dermot was in the middle of them like he brought them himself. Like he knew we would be there.”
Well, shit. I chew on my lip, drink more champagne, and stare at the black TV. If Finn’s right and Dermot planned for an attack, that means he suspected Shane and Redmond didn’t die in freak accidents. And now we confirmed everything.
“This is really bad. Did anyone see your faces?”
“No way. There was so much killing.” He mimes shooting a gun and laughs. “God, I’m really good at that.”
“I bet you are.” I finish my glass and pour another. “How does your shoulder feel?”
“Like I got shot, but fine otherwise.”
“What are we going to do, Finn?”
He must hear the desperation in my voice. Slowly, he sits up and leans against my shoulder. He’s warm and strong, despite the wound. I love how solid he feels. Even now, injured and high on opioids, he’s like a brick wall. I can count on him despite everything.
“We’re going to get through it.”
I nod miserably. “You didn’t even want to go. I practically forced you to.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Finn. If I weren’t so eager and reckless, this wouldn’t have happened. Now you’re hurt and Dermot knows we’re coming for him. This is all so fucked.”
He’s quiet for a moment. I know he’s still high, but he’s looking at me steadily now. More clarity is entering his glassy eyes as the drugs slowly wear off.
“I should be the one apologizing. I never should have let you get involved in my personal quest for revenge. I’ve had years to plan everything. I should’ve been able to handle it on my own without your help.”
“You wanted to punish me, didn’t you? That’s why you hired me to clean your apartment. That’s why you dragged me into this.”
His head tilts thoughtfully. “Maybe that’s right. I rationalized everything at the start. I kept telling myself you wanted this as much as I did, so what was the harm in bringing you along? But I’ve been fucking you up, Caroline, and I hate myself for it.”
“Finn—”
“No, I want you to listen to me. I’ve been changing these last few weeks.
Slowly, and in directions I never imagined before, but always toward you.
Before we got married, my entire world revolved around survival.
Get through one day, keep a smile on my face, get through another, don’t let anyone see how badly I was suffering.
But meeting you, falling for you, it showed me life can be about more than revenge.
There’s more than hurting the people that hurt us.
We don’t have to let them make us suffer anymore. ”
My heart races up into my throat. I know he’s trying to make a point but all I can think about is falling for you over and over.
I quickly get up. He watches me, immensely calm, as I get myself more champagne. I drink it down and wonder, why am I acting like that’s a bad thing?
Like I don’t feel the exact same way?
This is what I want. Liam’s completely right.
We could stop right now. That attack on Dermot was a close call, and maybe we should learn something from it.
There’s no reason to keep going. Shane and Redmond are dead, and the rest of my family is suffering over their loss.
Maybe Dermot and Malachy deserve more, but maybe I deserve something good instead.
I could have that with Finn. We could let it all go and be happy together.
“I’m going to ruin you, Caroline,” he mutters, lying back on the couch again and stretching out.
“I’m going to kill everyone. That’s all I’ve ever been good at.
Killing and hurting people. I don’t know how to be good.
I don’t know how to take care of you. Just leave me while you still can. ” His eyes grow heavy.
I feel sick. I don’t know what to do. “Finn. Hey.” I walk over and lightly shake him. “Stay with me.”
“I’m right here.”
“No more talking like that, okay? You’re just high, that’s all.”
“Mhmmm, that’s all. No truth behind any of this.”
“Right. Exactly. So let’s stay awake and wait for the doctor, okay?”
“Whatever you want, Caroline.”
I pull his legs into my lap and put on the TV. Whenever he seems to drift, I pinch his calf. He laughs each time like he enjoys it. I pretend to watch a movie with him, but the whole time I’m thinking about what he said.
How we could be happy if we just let it go.
And how I don’t think either of us is capable of doing that.
I was so scared before I met him. When I was living at home, every day was a nightmare.
I was either getting actively abused or waiting for when someone would decide it was time to hurt me again.
And when I moved out, I kept waiting for them to hunt me down and beat me all over again.
That’s why I took any odd job I could. That’s why I worked at all hours.
To stay hidden.
But I’m not hiding anymore. That’s the power of what we’re doing. I’m taking my life into my own hands and doing something about my abuse. It’s wrong, I know that, but I don’t care.
I want to hurt them. And not just for me.
I want to kill them because of what they did to Finn, too.
Letting it go, living peacefully, falling in love, those are just fantasies. That road’s ruined. Maybe one day, after all the blood’s dried and washed away, maybe then we can think about each other.
For now, this is the best it gets.