Chapter Thirteen
Now
Nasser seemed pensive, but Lulu showed zero surprise when I filled them in on my conversation with Fred Perkins.
“Why are you sitting there acting like it’s no big deal?” I asked my sister, even though I knew why.
Lulu bit into her carrot stick with a snap. “I’m not super surprised Ali didn’t leave you the house, since he never told you about it in the first place.”
We sat at my kitchen island nibbling mixed nuts and hummus with raw vegetables and pita bread.
Feeling antsy, I got up and paced the wood kitchen floor, treading over nicks and dents from sixteen years of family living.
I used to catch the kids rolling through the kitchen on their wheeled tennis shoes.
“I need to find out if that woman got the house,” I told them. “I have to talk to her.”
“Are you sure that’s smart?” Nasser asked.
“I want to hear it from her mouth why Ali was paying for that house.”
He winced. “I still don’t believe Ali cheated on you.”
“You’re a lawyer,” Lulu said sharply to him. “Shouldn’t you consider all the evidence and reach the most logical conclusion?”
“I’m thinking like his best friend,” Nasser returned. “Ali loved Amira. He wouldn’t cheat on her.” Just a few days ago I’d believed the same thing. But now? I didn’t know what to think.
Lulu silently replenished our iced tea. Over the years, the extended family had come to appreciate Ali’s tea recipe. Nasser gulped it down his throat, his biceps bulging in the short-sleeved button-down shirt he wore over jeans. His hair was wet. He’d just come from the gym.
“What we know so far doesn’t look good, I’ll give you that.” He set the empty glass down. “But we don’t have enough facts to reach any conclusions.”
“That house is a pretty unassailable truth,” I finally said.
Compassion filled Lulu’s face. “The facts do seem to point to a pretty ugly reality.”
Tears stung my eyes. “I was married to the man for more than two decades. I knew who he was, didn’t I?”
“But you didn’t know about the secret house in North Carolina,” she gently reminded me.
“Yes, Ali lied. That’s for sure.” I took a breath, still holding on to hope. “But maybe there’s another explanation for why he did that.” Please, God, let there be.
Lulu dipped celery into the hummus. “I hope you’re right. But I just want you to be prepared for the worst.”
I would never be ready for that. “What if I sue her?”
Nasser poured himself more iced tea. “Who?”
“Carol Darius.”
Doubt crossed Nasser’s face. “You don’t even know if Carol Darius got the house.”
“Then I’ll sue the LLC. I’d learn what I need to know during discovery, right?” I warmed to the idea. “Wouldn’t they have to show me the operating agreement?”
“They might,” Nasser admitted. “It could work, actually.”
My phone buzzed. It was a text from Julia, Ali’s sister. Salam. Mama was wondering if you’ve ordered the headstone yet? Sorry to bother you but she keeps asking.
I exhaled long and loud. “As if I don’t have enough to worry about.”
Lulu strained to see my phone screen. “What is it?”
“Ali’s mom wants to know if I’ve ordered the headstone. The kids and I haven’t decided what writing to put on it.”
Nasser poured himself more tea. “You could just order the stone itself. And decide the writing later. That’s what we did with Sidi when he died. It takes months for the stone to come in.”
“I just can’t deal with that at the moment.
” How could I know what headstone to order?
A grand one fit for a loving husband and father?
Or some cheap crap that was more appropriate for a cheating liar who kept a mistress?
I also had to consider what the kids would want, how they’d want to honor their father.
Fortunately, they hadn’t asked about the tombstone yet.
“Don’t let anyone rush you,” Lulu advised.
I set my phone down, making a mental note to respond to Julia later. “What about it?” I said to Nasser. “Are you still my lawyer too? Or were you only Ali’s attorney?”
“I’ll help in any way I can,” he responded, his voice gentle. “But maybe your sister is right. You might not like what you learn.”
“I already know that.” And then I added, “And I’m paying you your rate.”
“Nope,” he said. “I never charged Ali, and I’m not billing you.” Arabs always fought over who picked up the tab, a habit ingrained in us even though we were born in America.
“That’s not the same. Ali did the taxes for your law office,” I protested. “You exchanged professional services.” Nasser had a small legal practice. It was just him and two other attorneys.
Nasser held up a hand. “I’ll let you pay any fees associated with any of the filings. But that’s it.”
“All right,” I relented when I saw there was no arguing with him. “Let’s do it.”
“See?” Claudia said. “Doesn’t it feel good to be out walking in the fresh air?”
I strode beside my neighbor, an effusive person who finally succeeded in badgering me into resuming our morning walks.
At least someone was still reaching out to me, even if she wasn’t a close friend like Nicki and Rula, whose absence continued to hurt and make me feel even more alone. Especially after the phone call I’d had with Nicki a few days earlier.
“Why aren’t you in touch more often?” I asked when Nicki finally reached out.
“What do you mean?”
“I never hear from you anymore.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she responded, acting completely oblivious.
Deflated, I let it go. She obviously wasn’t up for an honest conversation. Death was an uncomfortable topic. Maybe Nicki and Rula kept their distance because they were afraid that my tragedy was contagious. Ali wasn’t the only person who’d abandoned me. But at least he had no choice.
As we circled the cul-de-sac, I had a new appreciation for Claudia. At least she showed up for me. And it did feel good to be outside moving my body again for the first time since the accident.
“I hope you understand my going for a walk is a day-to-day decision,” I said to her. “That’s the most I can commit to.”
“I’ll take it!” she said cheerfully. “How’s it been going? I feel like I never see you. I can imagine that losing Ali has been a lot.”
“More than you know.” I decided against telling her about the secret house. But she did live next door, and so, for her family’s safety, I felt obligated to tell her about the break-in.
She shivered. “You were in the house with the guy? How are you so calm? I’d be freaking out.”
“I’m freaking out on the inside.” I only had so much freak-out energy left. Between losing Ali, discovering the secret house, and worrying about the possibility of another break-in, I was running on emotional fumes.
“What are you going to do?” Claudia had young kids. “How can you sleep by yourself in that big house?”
“We put in a security system. I feel a lot safer now.” Not completely safe. But at least a little more secure.
“I don’t know how you do it.” We rounded a corner in the neighborhood. “You’re so strong.”
Little did she know. But I heard that a lot—how strong I’d been since Ali died. As if I had a choice. What was the alternative?
“You’re a much braver person than I am,” Claudia said as we picked up the pace. “If something happened to Matt, I think the kids and I would move in with my parents.”
“I considered staying elsewhere, but my life has been upended enough already.”
“Look.” Claudia pointed to a house near the entrance to our neighborhood. “The Khans sold their house.” We slowed down as we approached the “Under Contract” sign.
“I wonder where they’re going.” My first instinct was to text Ali to tell him and then ask how much he thought the house had sold for.
Sorrow bolted through me when I remembered that I couldn’t.
Another moment of grief, like so many others, that struck when I least expected, when there was no way to brace for the onslaught.
Longing throbbed in the deepest part of me, despite the doubts I had about my husband.
Losing Ali was like losing an arm or a leg.
You could live without it, but something critical would always be missing.
I yearned for our throwaway, inconsequential, everyday conversations.
Just like I missed that sense of safety that left when Ali did.
But maybe all of that, what I thought we had, was an illusion.
That was the way my mind worked these days.
Sometimes, I was absolutely convinced there was no way Ali cheated on me. But during darker moments, I wondered.
How would I cope if my entire understanding of our life together turned out to be a lie?