Chapter 8
MILES
Wood cracking.
Smoke clogging my lungs.
Screams coming from the street.
A raging heat on my skin I can’t escape no matter where I turn.
And a voice crying out for help but no matter where I go I can’t reach it. I can’t reach him.
“Help me!”
“I’m coming! Hang on!” I scream, but it feels as if I’m trapped and my words aren’t actually coming out.
“Miles…”
My body starts to shake like the floor is crumbling underneath me. I try to shout again but nothing comes out.
“Miles, man, wake up.”
I gasp and sit up straight. My chest feels tight as my eyes try to adjust to light breaking into the bunkroom.
I’d come to lay down after not getting much sleep last night after a rough house fire call.
Everyone is okay and while the structure will need a lot of repairs, it’s still salvageable.
Looking around, I find Carter standing over me looking concerned.
“What?” I pant. “What happened? What’s wrong? Is there an alarm?” My legs swing over the side of the bed and I feel the cool concrete floor under my feet. I don’t hear any chaos downstairs and the firehouse is unusually quiet for an active fire alert.
“No, dude, you were having a dream. You were mumbling in your sleep, it almost sounded like you were crying.” He sits on the bed next to me and studies me closely. “You okay?”
My hands come to rub my eyes only to realize I’m drenched in sweat. Using the bottom half of my shirt, I wipe the sweat away and roll my neck.
“I’m fine, just had a bad dream, that’s all.” When I push to my feet he matches my movement and blocks my way.
“Talk to me, man. I want to help you.” His voice is sincere and for once, he isn’t messing around or making a joke. This is a very rare side of Carter that you only get to see when he’s genuinely upset by something.
I force a tired smile. “I don’t need to talk. Like I said, I’m fine. It was just a bad dream. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go take a shower before we have a call come in.”
Stepping around him, I run my fingers through my hair, trying to calm my still racing heart. The dream felt so real. It felt like I was reliving that day over again. Like it was happening for the first time.
“You said his name,” Carter calls out before I reach the doorway. I turn to look at him, and find his face has fallen and his eyebrows are knit together in solemness. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you say his name since it happened.”
My eyes fall to the floor, guilt and shame making it impossible to look at him. He’s right, I haven’t said his name. Not out loud at least. Not since screaming it in the old burning factory as I tried to find him. It’s too painful to speak aloud knowing that what happened to him had been my fault.
“Stop thinking like that.” My eyes shoot to my friend in confusion. It was as if he was inside my mind, listening to my thoughts. “I see it all over your face. You’re blaming yourself for what happened to Wes but—”
“Carter, stop,” I bite, taking a defensive step towards him. I’m too tired to have it out with him right now and want nothing more than to go and wash away the dream.
“No, I won’t. You’ve been sulking around this place ever since it happened.
Don’t get me wrong, you’re not normally ‘Mr. Sunshine’ but recently it’s like you’re even more doom and gloom than normal.
You’re here before the sun looking like you’ve already been up for hours and then stomp around all day like you have a massive stick shoved up your ass. ”
I can’t formulate a response so he fills the silence between us. “Even Coop and Ivy noticed something was wrong with you when we were at the house on Sunday. They asked about you when you went outside with Willow and Lola.”
“What did you tell them?” I sneer, scowling at him even more than before.
“Nothing. I didn’t have to,” he remarks defensively. “It’s all over your face. You’re making yourself miserable, man, it’s not healthy.”
My jaw clenches and I force a heavy breath out of my nose.
“We’re a family here, Miles. We have to have each other’s backs if we want to survive and right now it doesn’t feel like you have our backs. You’re so lost in your own mind that it feels like you aren’t even here anymore. Like you don’t even care.”
“How dare you say I don’t care?” A fresh rage burns in my chest. Stomping towards him, I feel my face twist into a scowl. “There is nothing I care about more than this company.”
He pushes the finger I’d pressed into his chest away and steps closer to me. We’re chest to chest now in the empty bunk room and I’m sure anyone who might walk in would think we’re about to throw fists. Having grown up together, I know it takes a lot more than an argument for us to get physical.
“Then fucking act like it.” He holds my glare and doesn’t falter. My fists are clenched at my sides and while I want to hit him, I know my anger isn’t about him. It’s about me. And what I let happen. “If you don’t, Wesley might not be the only one we lose this year.”
I want to grab him by the back of his shirt and wail on him as he walks away.
To scream and curse him out for what he said.
But I know that even if I did, it wouldn’t change anything.
It wouldn’t change the fact that Wes is gone and his loss is entirely on me.
That his wife is now a widow and his daughters will grow up without a father.
That the men and women in our company will never be the same after suffering the loss of one of their own.
Nothing I do will change the fact that he’s gone and never coming back.
And the worst part of that truth is that it’s all my fault and I’ll just have to live with that as best as I can.