Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
C ecilia
I always thought I’d handle death better in life after my mother's, but I never expected to lose someone, let alone my father, this way. The suddenness of it made it so much more painful. My mother's death was heart-wrenching, but it wasn’t sudden. It was expected, and we knew deep down it was going to happen when she was getting progressively worse every day. She had stage four breast cancer, and after only a year of not responding to any treatments until she was completely bedridden and a lifeless form of her usual self, it didn’t come as a shock when she passed away in her sleep one night.
None of us were ever the same again after that, and now…it had cost my dad his life, too.
I couldn’t wrap my brain around the part that I had just seen him. He was just here, alive and well for the most part, and next thing he’s gone. How? How does that happen?
I point my remote at my TV, rewinding the same part of the videotape I had been watching on repeat for the last two hours. It was an old family video, and this one, in particular, was a video of my dad carrying me on his shoulders and walking me to every mirror possible in the house. At the same time, my mom recorded, giving me over-the-top compliments every time we reached a new mirror. I was dressed in a princess costume, but how my dad treated me like one made me feel it that day.
Another tear drips down my face, and I quickly wipe it away with my damp sleeve. I didn’t think it was possible to cry this much. I would have thought I’d been tapped out by now, but they keep coming.
A soft knock on my door sounds, and I don’t move to answer it. I already knew who it was and could tell by the jingle of keys turning the knob he was going just to let himself right in.
Lance walks into my apartment, shutting the door quietly behind him. I hear him walk into my living room just as I rewind. It is the same part where my dad walks into the bathroom, turns on the light, and faces the mirror so I can see myself, and he says, “There’s my sweet girl. Daddy’s princess.”
“You shouldn’t watch this stuff right now,” Lance says, slowly sitting beside me.
“It makes me feel better.”
He looks from me to the TV and then back to me. “How so?”
“Because when I watch this…it makes me feel like I’m there again, and when I feel like I’m there, hearing his voice…it doesn’t feel like he’s really gone.”
“Lia…” His voice is gentle, and it threatens the peace I’ve created for myself. “What can I do? Is there anything I can do?”
I look at him, my vision hazy, making him blurry. “I didn’t think you were talking to me anymore.”
“I’d never stop speaking to you. No matter what happens, you’re always my friend.” He takes my hand in his, holding it with enough pressure to soothe a part of me. The familiarity of his touch and comfort was what I needed right now. He was the only stable thing I could depend on in my life. I would wager everything I had on Lance, and the certainty of that and the bond we share is all I wanted to surround myself with right now.
Except last night, I wanted to surround myself with James. I logically knew it was a good thing that nothing happened between us. It would make things way messier than they already are, and I would probably resent him for our first time being at one of the worst times of my life. But, like always, he has to prove me wrong and show me that he might actually care enough not to take advantage of me.
None of it mattered now, though. My father was dead, and I had no family to piece back together anymore. Tobias clearly doesn’t need me, having gotten himself together alone and not caring enough to share it with me for years. All I could do now was find a way to live without worrying about him and learn to live without caring for the man who should have been taking care of me.
I lean into Lance. The worn-out soft fabric of his plaid shirt feels like a soothing invitation as I rub my fingers against it. Everything about him has always brought me comfort, peace, and safety. It’s what made him the best of friends. He wraps an arm around me, pulling me snugger against him.
“When is the funeral?” he asks softly.
“In four days. There probably won’t hardly be anyone there.”
“The only ones that matter are you and Tobias.”
“I guess.”
“Do you want some tea? I can make you a cup. It’d probably help you relax a bit.”
I nod as he gets up and heads to my kitchen. I lay back on the couch, letting the video finally play all the way through. He comes back a few minutes later, handing me a steaming cup. The mug burns my hands as I wrap them around it, but I keep ahold of it, letting the pain ignite my nerves and accelerate my heart. It was the most I’d felt in days.
I look over at Lance, who is smiling at the TV, watching the video of me when I was four years old. He’s blowing gently on his tea, the steam billowing around him. “Will you stay with me tonight?” I ask him.
His gaze snaps to mine, and I notice his jaw tense slightly, but then he nods. “Of course.”
I snuggle back into the couch, stretching my legs and laying my feet across his lap. He was my peace through this, and I was holding on tight to it right now.