9. Don’t Touch
SOUNDTRACK: All the Things She Said by The Weight of Atlas
~ VOSKI ~
I used every trick and act of discipline I’d ever learned to pull my mind away from my body, and my body out of need.
But as the dragons fell into each other with abandon, and my body demanded the same, the forest around me began to fade, images of Grace filled my shrieking mind, melding into memories of other feminine voices, until the past was present, and I could barely sift the two.
Mine—
You. Are. Mine.
I won’t hurt you. I need you. Something’s happened. I don’t understand. I’m scared. But I know you’re the one—
I know what you need. You were given to me for a reason. Trust me.
Vane!
You were meant for this.
No. No! Already sweating, I turned my back on the pull toward Grace and ran.
With every ounce of strength left to me, I sprinted through the dark, instinctively reaching for Kham—only to throw every damper on the link that I possessed when his desire roared to life in my body so fiercely, my limbs quivered.
He roared—protective, needy for his mate, torn. But I shut him out and kept running, searching, needing. And when my body finally began to fail, I cobbled together a frantic plan under the screaming panic.
Images haunted me, the mental pictures of Grace offering herself fading, her mouth wide with gasping desire.
And other faces, tight with screams.
You were meant for this.
The thought breached my will, sang to me. Perhaps? Perhaps there was a way to—
No.
I feared my skull would crack and every memory would pour out.
I couldn’t go back.
I couldn’t.
Breath catching, mind reeling, body shaking, I stumbled to a halt, turning, chest heaving, searching.
Help me. God, help me! I blinked and pushed back my hair, trembling, to find I had circled and returned to the clearing where we bathed and filled waterskins when we brought the dragons out here.
That meant Kham’s harness was nearby. And maybe, salvation.
It should have been a work of seconds to unbuckle straps from the harness, the longer ones—girth and neck straps. But my fingers shook so badly, I cursed and choked, body twitching, driving me. Tearing my chest in two.
Couldn’t do it. Couldn’t go back.
We’d never survive it. She wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.
She’s innocent!
As it should be.
I shook the hissed words away as my body sparked and shuddered.
No!
I was running out of time. Running out of options. Running out of the will to resist.
Finally, finally, I had two of the longer straps free. I whirled, looking for strong tree trunks, close together and—
Desire. Need. Mate.
Must—
I pushed forward as if through mud to my waist. My feet and hands weighted.
Every limb fighting me. Gritting my teeth, I made it to the trunks of two trees that grew from the same root in a V shape, reaching for the sky.
With shaking hands, I reached around one trunk, hugging it, letting the rough bark abrade my cheek as I stretched to grab the end of the harness strap and pull it around, threading it through the buckle and jerking it tight so the leather grabbed and remained.
With a task to focus on, a bare sliver of sanity emerged.
Stiff-legged and heart pounding, I repeated the set up with the second strap on the other trunk of the tree, then stumbled to the center, not letting myself think. Refusing to remember. Resisting awareness of my dragon, or Grace, because everything in me roared for her.
But as I positioned myself between the two trunks, holding both straps, and struggling to create the slip knot on the thick leather not designed for such an intricate knot, I shuddered. Then froze.
My mind’s eye filled with a vision of Grace—arched, writhing, needing me. She gasped my name and cried out and—
A low, guttural growl rolled out of my throat.
Oh God. Her want burned. Her yearning fueled mine. She wanted me.
My body tensed, and I took a step, almost losing the battle for control.
‘Kham—’
‘Breathe, Voski.’
‘I can’t… I can’t…’
‘Your mate is a—’
I actually whimpered as I shut my mind to my dragon, but turning from him only brought me closer to her.
And I prayed for control. Clenched my jaw. Fought to form the knots at the end of each strap. Hands shaking so the straps wavered in the air as I pulled and measured, ensuring once the knots were closed, I wouldn’t be able to reach across to free myself.
At some point, as the dragons eased from their mating, Kham realized what I was doing, and leaped for me.
‘Voski! You don’t—’
I stood at the center of the two trunks, each trembling hand holding the loop of a slip knot, and hesitated when I felt another wave of want from Grace.
Oh God. Her want burned. Her yearning fueled mine. She wanted me.
‘Grace… God, Grace. I need you. Please. This is torture.’
I felt the joy leap in her. Felt the need, thrumming. Felt her hope.
And as I stood there, staring into the dark, in the precise direction in which she lay—knew if I only ran far enough, I’d run straight into her arms, into her body, into her, I groaned.
‘Grace… oh, Grace… please…’
I couldn’t think. Couldn’t allow myself to consider…
Swallowing convulsively, though it didn’t wet my throat at all, I lifted my hands and forced myself to slip each one into the loop I held on that side, until they fell to my wrists.
Still loose. Still a noose. Untightened.
If I pulled against them, the noose would close. And neither was long enough to allow the hand to reach the other wrist.
I would be restrained.
The idea brought a whole new wave of fear.
Tied.
Restrained.
Out of control.
‘I’m here,’ Kham breathed in my head. ‘I’m here. Don’t despair. I won’t leave you.’
A shudder rocked through me, shivering down my spine. And for a moment, I saw it.
I could let the loops drop. I could go to her. Join her. Join with her. Take her, but not harm her. Become one. Wallow in the heat, and the joy, and the bond.
My heart rose, and my heart began to race with thrill.
But when our bodies were finally spent? When Koa’s heat passed, and reality returned?
We would be truly bonded. Cemented. Our hearts braided together. Our souls entwined.
Resistance would be impossible.
I would never be alone again. Ever. Tied eternally to a woman of stealth and subterfuge.
Chained.
Controlled.
I sucked in a breath and looked at my shaking hands, those twin nooses still loose.
I could be tied for days.
Or for the rest of my life.
Resist… or burn.
I knew the right answer, and still, I hesitated. Why did I hesitate?
My heart flipped in my chest as I felt her, coming for me. Instinct was to let the straps fall from my hands, rush to meet her. To close the gap. To take the bond, to revel in it.
She was noble. Beautiful. Wealthy. Entitled.
I couldn’t know the path, but I knew precisely the destination that would take us. And still I hesitated.
I would lose myself.
‘Vane?!’
Her voice sang in my head. Called me. Thoughtlessly, I lurched forward, reaching for her. Hands clawed.
The bite of the leather closed on my wrists, and panic reared in my chest—but it was too late.
As I leaped for her, heart flipping in my chest, the restraints closed, reminding me.
‘Voski—no!’
Both shoulders wrenched as I lunged forward and my hands were caught. I fisted my hands, bellowing frustration, fear, and sheer terror. And my body and mind were once more at war.
I fell, twisting, pulling, hands numb as I did everything in my power to tear myself loose—and instead that space in my chest began to tear free from my soul.
‘Voski—’ Kham was frantic.
‘Leave me!’
‘I will free you—’
‘NO! You can’t. Kham, give me your word. Do not remove them.’
‘You’re hurting yourself!’
‘I’ll hurt her more—I can’t give in to this, Kham. I can’t. I can’t lose control. I can’t take her—and I won’t give myself.’
I didn’t need to show him. He knew. He knew what I saw in my mind. Knew what dark corners lay in my heart. He was the only one.
‘This isn’t what should be—’
‘Promise me.’
My dragon rumbled and roared, his great voice echoing across the woods, loud enough to make leaves quiver.
I felt the vibration of it in the earth under my knees as I pitched forward. But the leather held—and loosened a hair when I stopped pulling.
I wouldn’t lose blood flow in my hands.
I had to stop fighting. Had to accept it. Had to keep myself here. In check.
She’d thank me for it eventually. But even if she didn’t…
‘Voski…’ My dragon rumbled my name with pain in his tone.
I shook my head. ‘A true leader is willing to sacrifice self. You told me that.’
He didn’t reply, but grief painted the bond, a rush of love, and yearning that shocked me with its intensity.
My dragon felt like he was losing me?
‘You aren’t losing me. This is to—’
‘You deny the Creator’s plan. You choose your fear over your bond!’
‘I choose not to bring more darkness into this world!’ I snarled. ‘Don’t judge me. Help me!’
A new wave of grief flooded my chest, but there was healing in it, as well. ‘I will always help you. Always. You know that.’
And I did. I nodded, panting, forcing myself to stop fighting the restraints so I wouldn’t numb my hands.
But the truth was, I wished he was there. Wanted to curl up under his wing like a child in his father’s lap.
He could free me. He’d do it if I asked. And then I could—
Spitting a curse, I folded forward, over my own thighs, and dropped my head almost to the dirt. I squeezed my eyes closed, gritted my teeth against the aching drive to go to her, and reminded myself of everything that would result if I gave in.
Loss of innocence.
Loss of independence.
Loss of the only good left.
And in my mind, I saw the avid smile, the fervent eyes, the lust, and I knew it was right.
This is what you were meant for.
I winced as the memory burrowed across years. Years. Every step I’d taken to walk away. Every decision made for good, instead of darkness. Every stifled appetite.
And I shook my head.
I was never letting her back in.
Never.