37. Enough to Make You Sick
~ VOSKI ~
Watching Grace smile as my brothers charmed her sickened my stomach. Knowing that it would never end was devastating. Squad sister?
Even though my stomach hurt so I didn’t want to move, when Ronen instructed me to talk with him, I pushed out of the dining hall doors at his side, tension crawling up my spine.
My stomach roiled. I’d eaten too much, far too quickly, because I was trying to get away before Bren and Grace arrived. Now I wondered if the food might reappear.
The sensation wasn’t helped by my squad leader, growling at me like a disgruntled wolf.
“This is not the way we welcome a new Flameborne—even you, Voski. What the hell has gotten into you?”
“I’m tired. Look, I know I got it wrong in the meeting. You don’t have to—”
“I’m not talking about the meeting, though that was bad enough, now we’re welcoming a new Flameborne, and you’re acting like she stole your dragon!”
“I did not—” When my words echoed over the courtyard outside the dining hall, I caught the words and made myself take a deep breath or two before speaking again, much lower and calmer. “I didn’t act like she stole anything,” I seethed.
“Then you tell me what that was,” Ronen snapped, tipping his head toward the dining hall. “I’ve told you before, Vos, you don’t have to be friends with anyone. But you do have to be civil. I thought we were past this kind of bullshit years ago.”
I stopped walking and turned on him, rage roaring in my veins. But he merely stopped walking and faced me, his expression daring me to try him.
“I’ve barely slept in a week. A week that I spent traveling with a noblewoman who thought the whole damn thing was a game.
I had to train her and try to stop her killing herself out of sheer stupidity, all the while wondering if the man I’d sworn my allegiance to was dead and my brothers embroiled in civil war, asking myself if I’d abandoned the one job I’d been ordered to do.
“I made the call to let my sister travel alone. Then my general, the man I stayed to protect, disappeared. I don’t know what I was thinking.
I spent the last two weeks wondering if Donavyn was dead and I was going to land here in the middle of a coup, knowing I was the reason this whole fucking mission failed. ”
Ronen’s jaw rolled. “You didn’t fail.”
“I didn’t know that! My dragon took a mate, I spent a week battling their heat so I wouldn’t hurt the porcelain noblewoman, never found Donavyn, then had to travel with her, not knowing what we’d find when we got here.
I didn’t know how I’d protect her if things had gone to shit.
And forgive me, but getting home and handing her off to Bren was a relief.
I got away from her incessant questions for an hour.
But then she shows up again when I’m finally getting some food in my stomach and yes, I might not have handled that well, but fuck, Ronen. I just need some fucking space!”
The last word echoed across the courtyard again. I grimaced and folded my arms, waiting for him to remind me how we, as officers, didn’t get to indulge our selfish feelings when we had lower ranks to lead.
To my surprise, he didn’t respond immediately.
I set my jaw and stared out over the falling night, the stable and launch hollow further down the slope, the forest on its other side.
It should have been such a relief to be here.
Safe. Donavyn and Bren safe. The Keep still full of men and dragons.
Everything I’d spent the last two weeks begging God to save was here. I should have been ecstatic.
Instead, my guts twisted like tangled weed in the pond. My pulse wouldn’t slow. And every damn time I stopped thinking, I found myself turning, looking, aching for her.
I wanted nothing more than to scream every coarse word I knew, sleep for a week, and then wake up having never met the Lady Grace Barnslow.
Meanwhile, Ronen stood there, watching me like he was waiting for something. And that pissed me off even more. When he did begin to speak, his voice was low enough that it wouldn’t be heard, even by the trickle of men leaving the building.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I blinked. “What? What are you sorry for? I know I was hard on her, that’s not—”
“I wasn’t thinking about what you’d carried on this trip.
I forgot you didn’t know Donavyn and Bren were safe.
I get it. That was hard. But I want you to hear me on something very important.
” He looked aside, then leaned right in.
“If someone we love is lost in the course of doing their job, it’s not your fault. ”
“I know that,” I said quickly.
He backed off a few inches, but stared at me. Ronen had a very unnerving stare. I fought the urge to shift my feet.
“I don’t think you do,” he said simply. “Our job is to face what the Creator puts in front of us. Trying to carry everyone else’s wellbeing when you’ve done everything you can is too much, Voski.
If you’re going to lead, you need to see that.
You did your best. You made the call with the information you had.
If someone you’re working with dies, unless you wielded the blade, it is not your fault. ”
The words hit me like a punch in my very tender stomach. I had to swallow hard to keep it in place. “I’m not saying it’s my fault—”
“No, you’d just tell yourself you could have changed it. If you hadn’t let Bren fly alone—she told me about that, by the way. Her call was good, and so was yours. He needed the eyes and hands more than she did.”
“But he disappeared—”
“With the information you had, and the circumstances as they were, you did the right thing. So did she. I would have made the same call. If Donavyn had been murdered, it wouldn’t have been your fault any more than it would have been mine: It was the fault of the man who took his life.
Do you have any schemes in place to assassinate our general? Or his mate?”
“Of course not!” I spluttered. “That’s not—”
“Good, then you can sleep with a clear conscience tonight. In fact, go do that. Right now. Go be alone. Have your silence and breathe, and sleep. Come back in the morning for the Acknowledgement—and play nice. Then you can go again.”
“But—”
“That’s an order.”
I sighed. I knew he was right. I needed sleep. I needed silence. I just prayed that Kham would forgive me for it. “Thank you,” I said quietly.
“Thank you for saving Donavyn’s ass, and keeping Bren safe, and for caring enough that you get twisted up in your head about it.”
“I didn’t save anyone—”
“Don’t be modest. Without your input, Donavyn claims he wouldn’t have unraveled that code in time. He might not be here. I’m proud of you.”
My shoulders dropped and I stood straighter, though I hadn’t intended to. “I… thank you.”
Ronen clapped my arm. “Thank me tomorrow when you’re flying wing for the new Flameborne.”
I almost choked on my tongue. “But! Why?! Gil’s back now—”
“Gil didn’t treat the new Flameborne like she was shit on his shoe. She needs to see that you’re as much a part of her team as any of the others, and know you’ll help her, no matter what.”
Watch her impress everyone. Watch them all flirt with her. Help her. Have to touch her—
I gaped at him, fury rising in my chest. “Are you fucking joking?! I just dragged her whining ass all the way from Fyrehold when I had much more important things to do, and trained her the whole way. Please, Ronen. Give me a break from the princess’s squeals of delight over a fucking dismount—”
“Oh.”
Every drop of my blood turned to ice at that tiny little syllable.
I knew what I would find before I turned.
But my heart still dropped to my toes, pumping uselessly, feeding me nothing, when I was faced with Grace, standing there, arms folded against the cold because she’d run out into the falling night with no jacket.
“I’m s-sorry. That was hard. I know. Thank you for putting up with—”
“Grace—”
“Furyknight, Attention!” Ronen barked.
I snapped to attention with a curse.
Ronen stepped right up to my toes, glaring with very real anger. He frightened me, not because he was violent—he was extremely self-disciplined—but because he was creative with his punishments when he had a point to make.
“Grace, I’m sorry,” I said without being asked. “My words were unnecessarily cruel, and untrue.”
“No, no. I shouldn’t have followed you. Only, I thought Ronen was angry with you and I wanted him to know how much you did for me.”
And now who was shit on someone’s shoe?
Something in my chest shriveled. I swallowed a wave of nausea.
“Grace,” Ronen said quietly, “Please ignore Voski’s sniveling, selfish little tantrum, and accept my apology for not training my men better.” He met my eyes, his own flashing with concealed rage. “A leader has nothing to stand on but his conduct, and the conduct of his men.”
That hurt on multiple levels.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“You will be,” Ronen muttered, then turned away from me to face Grace and act as if I wasn’t even there.
“I have heard a great deal about you from both Bren and Donavyn, Grace. I’m very pleased you’re here.
And I know you are neither a whiner, nor a princess—and that’s a compliment,” he added quickly.
Her smile was weak. “Thank you.”
“Please pretend this never happened. Even the best of us can lose control of our bowels via our mouths at times. You’ll learn in a squad like ours, it’s best to just accept that someone got it wrong and move on. It will make them more forgiving when it’s your turn to apologize.”
“Yes. Yes, of course.”
“Get back inside where it’s warm. Do you have a coat? I can—”
“No, no. I mean, yes. I do. I just didn’t put it on. I was hurrying to find you. Never mind. Thank you. I’ll go.”
I closed my eyes as I listened to her footsteps hurry back to the building, the creak of the door and the wave of noise that escaped, then, nothing.
“Voski, what the—” He cut off. I waited for the curse, but it didn’t come. “What the fuck happened to you?” Ronen said quietly, shocked. All trace of anger gone from his voice.
My eyes flew open. He stood a few feet away, brows pinched and frowning. And staring at my side.
I frowned. “What?”
“Your wrists. What the hell happened?”
I was confused, until I looked down. I’d jumped to attention so quickly, my jacket and sleeve caught against my side and pulled the cuffs of both an inch higher than usual, revealing the healing abrasions on my wrist.
Ronen stepped forward, reaching for my arm. “Voski… tell me.”
I hurriedly tugged my sleeves back down, shaking my head, keeping myself out of his grip. “It’s not—it’s nothing. They’re almost healed.”
“Who bound you? You didn’t mention that in the debrief. Does Donavyn know? Is this a covert—”
“No.” My jaw clenched and I met his gaze, keeping my tone as flat as I could. “No one bound me. I restrained myself.”
“What for?”
I sighed. “The dragon heat, Ro. I told you. I had to fight.”
His brows rose as he stared at me in shock. “Brother. I had no idea—”
“It’s fine. I’d forgotten they were even wounded.”
“But—”
“It’s fine, Ronen. I mean it. That has nothing to do with this.”
His brows shot higher. “Do you actually believe your own bullshit right now? Or have you forgotten you’re home and don’t have to lie anymore?”
I rolled my jaw. “I’m not bullshitting. I told you, I’m just tired and I’ve lost my patience for—”
“No, Voski. Something’s happened. When you’re ready, tell me what it is. You can be a cold bastard, sometimes even petty. But usually, you’re just disconnected. This is different. You’re reminding me of… well, you. But years ago. I thought you were past that, but if we need to talk about—”
“What?! No! I’m fine—”
“She’s obviously under your skin. This isn’t you. You’re a cunning bastard, but I haven’t seen you cruel for years. Did you seduce her while you were traveling and now you feel bad about it?”
“No!”
“Then what the fuck happened?”
I clenched both hands to fists to keep myself in check. “This mission was difficult. I just need some time alone. That’s it. Please, Ronen. That’s all I need.”
My squad leader stared at me, his face a blank mask.
Then he shook his head. “Go,” he said. “You need to show up for her tomorrow, but then you can leave again,” he added quickly, raising his hands when I tensed.
“I’ll keep you off patrol. Take a couple days.
And when you’re ready, let’s talk. I know there’s more than you’re saying. ”
I didn’t want to confirm that. I also didn’t want to lie. So, I just stood there.
The look he gave me was frustrated—and a little sad. “I’ll wait until you’re ready. Go.”
I broke like a rabbit and fled. Again.
I hadn’t run from anyone, or anything in years. But now, one small noblewoman had me running for my life, three times in a week.