Chapter 19
19
Asher
“I can cook, you know.”
We were naked in her bed, my dick still twitching from being completely emptied less than a minute ago, condom now stuck to my thigh, and she was being a goof.
I flexed my arm, pressing her deeper into my chest. “Where did that come from?”
Sienna’s hand tickled over my stomach. “You keep feeding me.”
I tucked my chin to look at her. “So?”
She started tracing the letters tattooed on my chest. “I’m feeling guilty.”
“It’s just pizza, babe. No big deal.”
Something was bothering her. I guess making her cry out three times had done something to her head.
“I don’t like you spending so much money on me like that. I feel the need to reciprocate.”
And there it was. I rubbed my head. “Not keeping a tally, Sienna. That’s not how this shit works.”
She settled up against me. “I know. It’s just on my mind. I don’t want to be indebted.”
Indebted? What the fuck? I rolled her so I could see where this was all coming from. I had a good idea already, but I needed to check it. This basement apartment didn’t have a stove, and what she had in that tiny refrigerator wasn’t enough to survive on. A pack of lettuce. Some yogurt. Bagels from the discount rack. She averted her eyes, avoiding me.
I ran my hand through her hair. “Hey, look at me.”
She pressed her forehead into my shoulder. “No. Ignore me. I’m being emotional. Sorry.”
I moved her chin so I could see her eyes. “First off, don’t apologize. You feel it, you say it. If you say something to intentionally hurt me, then apologize, but don’t feel bad for speaking your mind. Okay?”
She barely nodded.
“Second, I don’t expect my woman to keep tabs or feel indebted. Ever. You want to do naked pancakes for breakfast, we’ll do that. But there is no owing here with us. I work twenty-four-hour shifts at the fire station every third day. Some days we get callouts, I’m wiped. You feel like grabbing food or making sandwiches to help me through that, I’m appreciative, but I don’t expect it. You had a full day today. I was off with a free day to get shit done. I picked up a pizza to make the evening go easier. No big deal. Understood?”
She nodded. A small “understood” whispered out of her.
I could see she was still spiraling just by the way she was trying to make herself smaller, hiding her face on my arm. I’d caught part of it when I’d had my hand wrapped around her neck while she was on top of me and her eyes had gone wide with panic. I’d lost her there for a moment; that’s why I pulled her to my chest, holding her in my arms as I tried to make her forget whatever ghosts were still haunting her.
There were reasons why such a beautiful woman like Sienna hid like a mouse. That was all becoming clearer by the day. Most guys probably didn’t notice. I did because a lot of her life used to be mine. Nothing in this apartment was new, except maybe her camera and small computer on the desk and the three framed prints of her photography hanging on the wall. The rest was old furniture. An old television. Even this bed probably wasn’t hers.
I’d spent a decade on the move. Things you had to carry beyond your rucksack was just more shit that weighed you down.
I had to remember to handle her carefully. I could see she was trying, but this ex-boyfriend of hers had to have been exceptionally brutal for the damage he’d left behind.
“If you want, we can cook at my place Saturday night. Make breakfast, whatever. I have to be at the station at seven tomorrow morning and then I’m on shift again Friday morning to Saturday morning. We have the whole weekend. How does that sound?”
“I can make pancakes.”
I really needed to get the condom off my dick, but what was happening in my arms was too important to move. “Naked pancakes, babe.”
I loved her shy smile. It was powerful, like a ray of sunshine beaming through my darkness, showing me the way. I brushed her soft cheek and gave her another light kiss. If I ever got into the same room with this ex of hers, I’d beat him to death. Sienna was so sweet. Thoughtful. Her hand stroking over my shoulder was nothing but pure bliss.
Waking up to her every morning was all I could think about.
I held my phone away from my ear, not sure how to answer Sienna’s next offer. It was mid-afternoon and so far, a quiet day at the station. We’d washed all the trucks from top to bottom, which also included Oscar getting a bath since he kept poking his nose into everything. “Say again?”
“Class starts at six tomorrow. You could meet me there.”
Fuck, she sounded so hopeful. But what she was asking me to do went against the grain.
“Asher Hayes, you wussing out on me?”
“Careful, woman. You have to give me time to think about shit that may revoke my man card.”
“Yoga is not going to emasculate you, Ash. I swear. I need you limber.”
Fuck me. I’d woken her up at six this morning just so I could fuck her before I had to leave for work. I’d had more sex in the last few days than I’d had in the last year. “I thought I’d been limber enough for you this morning. You still able to walk today?”
“Barely,” she whispered. “Sitting is a bit tender. Doesn’t help that the chairs in our break room are hard plastic.”
“Guess I’m just going to have to try harder then.”
“Ash,” she breathed and damn if that didn’t warm right through me. I loved hearing her say my name like that.
“Firefighters do hot yoga all the time, sweetheart. We just usually wear heavy gear though.”
Hawk gave me a weird look as he walked past, probably thinking I’d lost my damn mind. Maybe I did. I didn’t give a shit anymore.
She let out a sigh. “It’s okay. If you don’t want to, just… sorry.”
I was beginning to hate that word. She said it too often. It was a defense word, meant to protect her from getting whatever punishment used to follow. My own mother had said it often when my father let her know what an inconvenience it was to do anything for her. It had been one of her last words to me and Liam before she’d slipped into a coma. My mother had apologized for dying.
Picturing Sienna hunching and ducking from the onslaught of shit that probably followed her asking for anything made my knuckles crack.
She’d been extra generous with her mouth last night. I’d thought she’d just been way into sucking on me like a favorite meal, but now that I was thinking about it, rage started seeping in. She’d been giving payback for fucking pizza.
“I’ll be there, sweetheart. Just text me the address.”
There was no instant fix for trauma. I knew all too well how it follows you throughout your entire life. I tried not to think about it anymore, but spending time with Sienna was starting to feel like my own version of therapy.
I’d spent a decade carrying a weapon into a battle that wasn’t mine, all because it gave me a sense of getting even with the things that caused the fire to rage inside me. At least I got to shoot at something, which was a lot better than holding on to the pain.
When I’d gotten back from my last deployment, I didn’t want any human contact. I’d gone home to our house in Prescott, Arizona because I didn’t know where else to go at the time. Seeing my father again, still unwilling to own up to his mistakes, just compounded the anger all over again.
And my brother, Liam… he didn’t do regrets either.
I’d had a front row seat to what all of that had done to my own mother—the crappy life fate had dealt her. We weren’t poor, but we were missing the parts of life that made you rich. I couldn’t fix her but there had been days I’d begged whatever God there was to take her pain away. Watching someone you love wither away was its own form of torture.
Sienna had been smiling more, finally relaxing around me. I kept all of these thoughts to myself, though. I didn’t need anyone lecturing me on how I should go about living my life—least of all my best friend.
No one knew the shit I carried inside me; the lives I took. Everyone has parts of their pasts they never share because to put that on someone else just spreads out the misery. Ignoring it just made it easier.
So, I got why Sienna often reacted the way she did. We were a lot alike, except—like my own father—I wasn’t one to say sorry a lot either. Still, the good in her far outshined the bad, and the smile she was giving me as she slipped out of her car was enough to prove my point.
The parking lot was full when I arrived, so I’d parked in a section where she’d see my truck. As soon as she rounded the front end of her car, I lost all ability to breathe.
Yes, I was most definitely a fan of hot yoga now.
She wore tight, hot pink leggings that hugged her amazing curves and a short black shirt that hid her scars. A big tote bag of stuff hung off her shoulder. I swallowed hard and tried to picture Granny Rose wearing the same thing just so my dick wouldn’t tent the front of my gym shorts.
“You ready for this?” Sienna smiled, but it wasn’t an ordinary smile. This one taunted me as if to say I’ll have 911 on standby for you.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I followed her across the parking lot to the small strip mall. Right next door to this yoga studio was a sandwich shop. “We could skip this and just have dinner.”
Sienna rolled those sexy blue eyes at me. I reached for the handle and tugged the glass door open, letting her take the lead as we entered the building.
“They have extra mats for people to use over here.” Sienna dug in her bag and then handed me a metal sports bottle. “I brought you one too. It’s a mix of water and Liquid I.V. I forgot to tell you to bring extra electrolytes with you. You need to stay hydrated.”
I loved that she’d thought of me. I held up my Gatorade bottle. “Thanks. I got this. I’m used to heat.”
This time, Sienna held the door to the yoga room open as I followed her inside. The heat blasted into me instantly. Holy fuck . An infrared heater sat in each corner of the room. Not only was it hot, but it was extremely humid, like walking into a house fire with faulty sprinklers.
The look on Sienna’s face told me she knew what I was thinking.
“Let’s take the area over there.” She pointed to a spot in the last row not far enough from the heater bolted to the ceiling. She laughed when I looked up at the glowing orange and red coils. “Don’t worry. I’m guessing you’re used to the heat.”
“Yeah, babe. But this all looks like a fire hazard.”
Ten minutes into the hour-long class, my cotton tank was like a second layer of skin stuck to me. What had started out as white cotton now looked like a translucent rag. Sienna slid the sports bottle to me. I gladly accepted it this time, drinking almost a third of the bottle in one gulp.
The instructor gave the next set of instructions. “Let's all get in our dancer pose.” He stood on his left leg, lifted the right behind him, and then, with his right hand, clasped the tip of his toes before reaching up with his left hand and stretching. “Now hold.”
I’d thought I was flexible but there was no fucking way my leg was gonna bend that way. Sienna though… Seeing her lift her leg like that was giving me thoughts for a whole new angle to ram into her.
“One last hold, and then let’s move into a downward dog.”
I watched Sienna bend over beside me, her ass pointing to the ceiling. She had such a fantastic ass. I made a mental note to downward dog her later tonight. I’d had her in a similar position the other night on the edge of her bed, although it would be much better to do on my bed since it was higher up off the floor.
Yeah, downward dog and then naked pancakes. I felt my hamstrings twitch as I tried to get into that stretch. Was yoga supposed to hurt?
After a few more stretches, the instructor gave his last pose. “Let’s finish the class with a corpse pose.”
I watched as everyone lay on their backs, their arms alongside their torsos with their palms facing up. I did as everyone else did, my chest rising and falling as if I’d run a marathon.
“Control your breathing,” the instructor said. “Free your mind. Relax every muscle in your body. Let the tension wash away.”
Last time I’d felt this way was after the first time I’d made love to Sienna. I think I was in the same position when I’d passed out. I was grateful she didn’t kick me out of her bed.
“And that’s it. Great class, everyone. Don’t forget to hydrate.”
I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up. Sienna stood and started to roll up her mat. “So, what did you think?”
I was hot and miserable and still flat on my back. “I think I’d rather run into a thousand burning buildings before I do this again.”
“Sorry, I know it’s not for everyone, but I love it. An hour of nothing but clearing your mind and relaxing your body. I feel like a new person when it’s over. I appreciate you trying for me.”
I felt like an asshole. I got to my feet and, even though we were hot and sweaty, I bent and gave her a kiss. “Stop apologizing. It kicked my ass.” I rolled up the mat thing and gathered our stuff. I took the bag off of Sienna’s shoulder, carrying it outside to the refreshing cooler air.
“You okay?” she asked as we walked to our vehicles.
I actually felt pretty good. “I need a big glass of water, food, and a night to relax with my woman.”
She smiled. “I need a shower.”
“How about I bathe you, feed you, and then you can watch me pass out?”
Her laugh made my night.
“Sounds perfect.”