Chapter 21
21
Asher
Sienna stood frozen in one spot as she slowly glanced around my house.
“This is beautiful, Ash.”
I loved it when she whispered my name like that, all breathy and in awe. I closed the door behind us and started turning on more lights. The people who’d owned this place before me had remodeled it, making the living room and kitchen into one big, open space. I carried the few bags of groceries we’d grabbed on the way home over to my kitchen island.
Sienna only made it inside a few feet when she’d stopped near my couch. When she still didn’t move, I made the short walk back to her, slipped the overnight bag off her shoulder, and set it down on my recliner. “Something wrong?”
She just shook her head; her breath stuttering a bit. “No. I’m just at a loss for words, is all.”
Shit. She looked like she was ready to cry. Her nose was doing that scrunch thing girl’s noses do before the tears start. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Sorry. You have a… a really lovely home.”
Bullshit. She was spiraling. I stepped closer to her. “I don’t understand. Why are you sad?”
She just stood there, breathing hard, until those amazing blue eyes landed on me. “I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I had an amazing day with you and your friends. An amazing week. And just when I feel steady, you surprise me all over again.” She scratched at her neck. “I really, really like you and I’m just worried that I’m going to do something to mess that all up. I don’t want to have the wrong reactions.”
I touched her cheek. “Sienna…”
“I woke up alone this morning, and it made me realize that I’ve gotten used to waking up next to you. It’s been utter bliss and, also, equally as terrifying. I’m guessing you like my company, but I don’t want to start expecting things, because it’s gonna hurt like hell not to have them.” She waved her hand at me and then motioned all around us. “And me blurting all this out in the middle of your living room isn’t helping.”
I hadn’t given much thought to how she was feeling about it all. I was just going with the flow, enjoying a great day with someone I was into and sharing that with my friends. But Sienna was seeing it all in a different way.
She wiped under her eye. “And I really want to do naked pancakes but I’m figuring I’ve ruined that now.”
It all became clear. We’d gone from strangers to her being the center of my world fast, and she wasn’t sure where she stood.
I wasn’t in love yet, or was I? She was like gravity, forever pulling me in. “I want to do naked pancakes too, babe. But I get what you’re saying. I don’t know where all this is gonna lead, but I know I want to give it a chance.”
Hanging with Coop and Haley, seeing what they had built with Roman and another child on the way… Watching little Roman discover the world through his little toddler eyes, as if everything was filled with magic… it had messed with my head too. This entire week with Sienna, I’d been just as addicted.
She fluttered her hands. “I’m sorry. I’m feeling emotional. Probably not what you’re used to.”
I cupped her face and gave her a soft kiss. All of that emotion was just confirmation she was just as invested. “Stop apologizing. Now come help me put groceries away, okay?”
“I would like to do that,” she whispered.
I took her hand and led her into my kitchen. I got her concerns. The entire week had felt way beyond just dating a woman, and it was fucking with my head too. Doing everyday normal shit with Sienna just felt right. Like she belonged in my kitchen, helping me unpack food.
But where other women would just start moving in and taking over, Sienna didn’t touch anything in my house. She took the food we’d bought out of the bags, lining things up neatly for me to put it where it belonged. She observed, as if she were taking notes at a safe distance.
Playing house came with expectations, none of which she was allowing herself to get sucked up in. One foot in, one foot out, just like Hawk had said.
Catching feelings for someone came with other bullshit, like keeping your heart from getting pulverized, which was something I never wanted to feel again. The first girl I’d fallen for had done that very thing: tore my fucking heart right out of my chest. And Liam… some things were unforgivable. Sienna had given her heart to some asshole who actually tried to fucking kill her when she tried to end it. I could see that fear forever edging her eyes. The distrust to believe shit might be real.
Yeah, her head was swirling more than mine.
I grabbed the bottle of white wine she’d selected at the store, something I’d had her choose since I pretty much drank anything, and grabbed my corkscrew. We both needed to relax.
“Sienna, get two glasses out of that cabinet.” I pointed. I watched her hesitance until she found two wine glasses. I never thought I’d be the kind of guy to have shit like that, but time had a way of settling you into it, especially since traveling into the underbelly of political games and doing things which made me evil no longer commanded my days.
Yeah, I had secrets of my own, sweetheart.
I poured two glasses and handed her one. “Cheers, babe.” She tapped her glass into mine. “Go over there and put some music on. Remote is on the table.”
I tossed the steaks I’d bought into the fridge and put the rest of the groceries away, watching her wander. She stopped at the bookcase built into the wall. I had a few pictures on one shelf, along with a bunch of mementos.
I slipped the remote from her hand while she pointed at one of my prized possessions: the baseball I had in a glass box. “I caught that the day I went to my first Braves game at Truist Park. We’d been stationed at Fort Benning for Ranger training and managed to get leave to drive up to Atlanta.” The ball held no value to the average person, but it was worth a million to me.
She touched the edge of the glass. “You caught this?”
I nodded. “Yep.”
She pulled her hand away. “I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.”
“Most just see baseball as a sport. Something to argue over. But to me it represents a freedom some countries outside the U.S. don’t have.”
Sienna stared at me for a moment. “I’d never thought of it that way. I suppose you’ve seen things most people never even consider are valuable until those things are taken away.”
I felt my jaw clench. She had no clue how deep that went. She reached for the single family photo that sat on the shelf. It was the only picture I had of my mom, dad, Liam, and me. Liam and I were around fourteen. In the background was Liam’s first motorcycle, a dirt bike he and my dad rebuilt together on the rare occasions the man was around.
Her attention whipped back to me. “You have a twin?” Her head shook. “I mean I know you have a brother, but I didn’t realize you were identical.”
I tried to recall if I’d ever talked about him with her. Liam wasn’t someone I ever really mentioned to people. “We’re not identical. Fraternal. But back then, mom used to take us for the same haircuts…I guess we looked a lot alike.” I nudged the photo. “Few years after this, she got a brain tumor. It took her down fast. By the time they’d found out something was wrong, it was too late.”
Sienna just stared at the picture, looking like her world had crumbled that day too. “I remember—” She took a deep breath, regrouping. “I remember when I lost my mom.”
Her admission hit me hard. “You lost your mom too?”
She nodded while wiping under her eye again. “She’d had multiple sclerosis. Her vision went first, and then slowly she had trouble walking. Doctors had her on so many pills, and then one day she had a massive stroke, and… well, it just went downhill from there. I was in my first year of college. Dad was still working, trying to keep up with all the medical bills. We couldn’t afford home health care; it was just too expensive. So, I dropped out of school and got a part time job waitressing at night so I could take care of her during the day. It just sucked watching her deteriorate like that.” She reached for the photo, only to pull her hand back. “Your mom was so pretty. You have her eyes.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, feeling her words sink deep in my chest. “I’m sorry you lost your mom too.”
“Thanks. Loss changes you.” Sienna took a sip of wine, swallowing until her glass was almost empty. “My dad didn’t handle being alone very well. About a year or so after she’d died, he got a lady friend.” She shook off the memory. “I didn’t handle that very well, Ash. I didn’t like how all of that made me feel inside. My mom was irreplaceable.”
“I know the feeling,” I admitted. “My dad took to soothing his pain with whiskey while my brother and I just fell deeper into hate.”
My mind traveled back in time, still feeling that same pain now that I’d felt nineteen years ago. It was duller now, not as soul crushing, but still took me to that moment, watching her silver casket get lowered into the ground. It was the last time I’d cried, feeling loss and rage while watching my father’s grim face, so stoic and emotionless.
Liam had stood next to him, eyes rimmed just as red as mine, but hiding it all from the rest of the world. My mother’s dying words—her last request—for her two boys to take care of each other.
I caught Sienna’s concern, knowing I was holding back from letting my past spill out, but finding the words to convey it was evading me.
I remembered all too clearly the final words I’d said to my mother’s casket when they made us all put a single rose on top. I tried not to feel angry because she didn’t leave on purpose, but instead of the Almighty taking the shit from our lives, He took the good ones. She’d made Liam and me vow to grow into the kind of men she’d be proud of, so I’d told her before walking away, “ I miss you already, Mom. Without you, this isn’t a family. But I promise you, I’ll find a new one where I’m wanted, and you’ll be proud of the man I’ll grow into.”
And off I went, in a rage, breaking that promise.
“I enlisted after my mom left this world. I didn’t have much of a reason to stick around.” I omitted the part about finding my brother, drunk, railing into my girlfriend. There were things Sienna just didn’t need to know.
“I know the feeling,” she said as she made her way down my shelf, glancing over what was left of over a decade in the Army. “You got a Purple Heart?” She touched the frame I had my service medals in and then her attention went to the scar on my side. She glanced at an old picture of me, covered in mud.
“That picture there is from Ranger school.”
“How old were you here?” she asked.
I set my hands on my hips, realizing I was holding the remote to my system. “Nineteen?” I clicked a few buttons, getting a playlist to come up. I turned the volume down, slipped the empty glass from her hand, and guided her back into my arms. “Enough with the heavy.”
Sienna rested her hands on me while I held her. “I know it’s heavy, but it’s the baggage we carry with us into new things that messes everything up. Just like I didn’t want you to know about my shoulder. I’ve been alone for a while now because I didn’t want to lay that all at anyone’s feet.” She rested her cheek on my chest. “I don’t like telling anyone my story because they think it’s no big deal. Like I’m just supposed to magically get over it and be all happy and cheerful. They don’t know how it feels to watch your life flash before your eyes, or how you never stop being afraid of what’s sneaking up behind you. Surviving just doesn’t happen all in one day. It’s daily.”
I ran my hand through her hair. “Yeah, baby. I know.”
“I’ve laid that all at your feet, and I keep waiting for you to be done with it. I don’t know how long it will take for me to fully move forward, Ash, but I appreciate you being a part of it. I understand if it’s too much. Just let me know now, though. Okay?”
“Babe, your heavy is nothing compared to mine. I get it. Not downplaying it. But yeah, I’ve got heavy too.” I glanced over at the picture of Todd and me before he was shot. The two men who fired upon us went to their version of Hell first. I put them there. I tipped her chin up. “But at least we have naked pancakes.”
That made her laugh. “I don’t even know what naked pancakes is.”
“We have a great night together. We find stuff to laugh about. I wash you in my shower, which, no offense, is much larger than your tub shower and has several cool water jets which I want you to experience, and then in the morning, we make pancakes. Naked.”