Chapter 26
26
Sienna
I’ve spent the last few years of my life always looking over my shoulder.
At first, it was because sometimes Diesel would be out in the garage with a beer or he’d be coming home from the club drunk and high, and the next, he was behind me, fists curled because I’d done something wrong.
After that, it was an unending anticipation of Death coming to finish the job.
At least my car had a rearview mirror. Still, I couldn’t shake that feeling of being followed. It was a gut feeling, making the hair stand up on my arms. My intuition had often let me down, but after living with fear for so long, you quickly become friends.
I’d caught a glimpse of a truck but then I’d lost my view of it. It must have turned into the gas station I’d just passed. This was why I needed to leave. Ghosts follow you.
I stopped at the grocery store closest to Candace’s house. I hadn’t really eaten for a few days, and I needed something to put in my stomach. Nothing appealed to me while I was going through all the stages of grief all at one time, mostly dwelling between denial, anger, and depression.
At least this store had a decent salad bar, which was something most stores no longer had. Too bad I had to walk past the tank full of lobsters to get there, which made that just one more reason I hated life. Everything reminds you of the people you’ve lost when you’re miserable. Maybe Maine wasn’t the wisest choice for a next destination, as I was pretty sure that’s where all these lobsters came from. If Montana wasn’t such a long drive, I might consider it.
The last few days, I’d just gone through the motions, existing in a constant state of hating myself while wanting to stab something. While all the book and movie heroines were getting even with their enemies or just bouncing back after tragedy with the hot guy they met in the coffee shop, reality was the opposite. And it fucking sucked.
I spotted the hot food area near the deli, but the idea of grocery store community pots of soup had been ruined by a video I’d seen a few years ago, so I kept walking. I grabbed two cans of shitty ravioli that were on sale and decided to just stop looking. Even food tastes like disappointment when you’re sad.
I paid for my two shitty cans of ravioli and hit the parking lot, fighting that feeling of being watched again. It felt like spiders tickling my senses. I looked around for motorcycles or lots of leather and chrome, but there was nothing but regular vehicles and a lady walking while talking on her phone.
I turned the radio off in the car. Even music felt painful. My cell phone was in the bottom of my purse. There was no one I needed to talk to. It sucked that I’d never get to hang out with Haley, but Haley was married to Coop, and Coop worked shifts with Asher, and the whole thing just led to one big family I was never going to be a part of.
Candace’s car was missing when I pulled into our driveway, which was typical on a Friday. She’d been so busy with Saturday weddings, it was rare that she was home.
I scanned the road as I locked my car, still fighting that odd feeling. It was still light outside, so I had a clear view. But everything was quiet as always.
I hurried around back and got into my door, locking it behind me. I ignored the brown, plastic grocery bag which sat on the steps to go upstairs. It contained things I no longer wanted. Candace could return them if it was important.
I kicked off my work shoes and set my two shitty cans of ravioli on the counter. If I didn’t eat them, I could always stash them in my car in case I found myself halfway to Montana with no money, no gas, and down to pilfering food from garbage dumpsters again.
The knock on my glass door scared the shit out of me.
My heart leapt up my throat. I slid the small drawer beneath my microwave open, palming a steak knife. If Death was coming, he was going to leave with a few stab wounds first. I should have never turned on the lights.
I used the tip of the blade to carefully move one of the long vertical blinds. Death carried a weapon, and this wasn’t bulletproof glass.
One look was all it took to make my nerves lose their fucking minds. Guess Candace wouldn’t have to be the middleman after all. I pushed the blinds aside, staring at him standing on the other side.
Every emotion known to humanity blasted through me, mostly landing on the knife I had fisted in my hand.
His eyes traveled from mine to the knife and then swiftly back up. He held his hands up the way a coward might approach a grizzly bear. Not that I had any experience with bears, but they had teeth and no mercy.
“What do you want?” I said to the fucking asshole on the other side of my glass wall.
“I just want to talk.”
“You had five days to talk to me.” I grabbed the plastic bag with his T-shirts in it, unlocked the door, tossed it at his feet, and locked the door again.
Asher leaned up on the doorframe, staring at me. “I fucked up.”
I crossed my arms, almost stabbing myself with my stupid steak knife weapon. “Yes, you did. Is that all?”
He glanced past me, his eyes narrowing on the couch, and then down to the pile of my shit I’d yet to move to my car. And then back to me. He looked mad all over again. It was a good thing he was on the other side of the glass.
“I’ve got a question for you,” he said.
I tapped my foot.
Asher leaned closer. “Do you love me?”
For fuck’s sake. I needed a bigger knife. Or a flame thrower. Or a one-way ticket back to Fiji again. “I don’t know, Asher Hayes. Do you love me?”
He stared right at me when he said, “Yes. I love you. I love you very much, Syla Sienna Tatum. Or would you prefer I start calling you Berry again?”
I felt all the blood drain from my body.
Maybe it was the lack of food, or I was severely dehydrated from five solid days of crying. I slammed my hands to the glass, the knife in my hand rattling against it, leaning just as hard as he was. “You don’t get to do this, Asher. You don’t get to leave me in utter misery for a week and then just show up at my door.” I slammed the glass. “I just spent five days dying inside. You did that to me. Is that what you call love?”
Only a huge sheet of glass door separated our faces, but I was grateful for the division because more tears were building quickly.
“Babe, I’ve been just as miserable. I didn’t know how to handle it. I know I didn’t handle it well at all.”
“You kicked me out of your truck!”
“I know. I was stupid.” I lost his eyes to the ground for a few seconds. “I know I hurt you. I don’t know how to fix it.” His head shook. “I understand if you hate me now. I deserve it. But I don’t want you to leave without knowing how I feel. I don’t want you to leave at all. Stay. Stay with me, Syla.”
“Syla died four years ago, Ash. That’s why I didn’t tell you. Because that girl I used to be is gone. This is who I am now.”
His body relaxed a bit. “Good. Because this is the girl I fell in love with.”
My eyes crushed shut, feeling those damn tears rip me apart. The glass was cold against my forehead as I lost all ability to think.
“Sienna. Look at me, baby.” His hand tapped the glass. “Look at me.”
“I can’t do this. Ash. I can’t go through this again. It hurts too much. If I let you in, there will always be a next time. I’ll do something wrong, and you’ll leave me all over again.”
“Baby, look at me. Please. I swear to God I will never do that. If you leave, you’ll be taking my heart with you.”
His voice cracking did things to my heart.
“Baby, please. I need you.”
I took one last look at those honeycomb eyes, shocked at the tears welling up in them.
Soldiers don’t cry.
He was hurting just as bad as I was.
I unlocked the door and slid it open a few inches. Asher took full advantage of that, pushing it out of his way. Without hesitation, he grabbed the knife from my hand, tossed it across the room, and wrapped his arms around me. I grabbed hold of him as my feet left the ground.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his breath stuttering against my neck.
And then he kissed me, washing away all that pain rushing through us.