Chapter Twenty
Ash
It wasn’t really our first kiss, but it felt like it.
It felt like the first moment of the rest of my life, and I knew that sounded sappy, but it was Cal.
It was always, and would only ever be, Cal.
Even the one time I’d kissed another man, I’d been thinking of him, picturing him.
Finally he was opening up to me, finally he was willingly touching me, and kissing me.
His fingers locked around my throat again, and a ripple of delicious fear-pleasure travelled down my spine.
He could hurt me, he could really hurt me, and I wouldn’t love him less. I wanted it.
He turned us, slamming me against the same wall he’d been leaning against, and kissed me harder, a low groan leaving his throat as his tongue surged violently against mine.
He wanted me, and I’d let him have me however he wanted to take me.
He wanted to fuck my ass? Yes, god yes. He wanted to hurt me while he fucked my ass?
Even better. Choke me with his dick? Hell yeah, I’d saved all of these firsts for him, but I was starting to think they’d never happen.
If I’d had to kill him tonight, I’d have died a virgin myself, because it was him or nobody for me.
What she did was irrelevant. My firsts were all for him.
“Ash, if you want me-”
“I do, Cal, just fucking use me for your pleasure. I’m yours, my hole is yours, both holes, fuck me however you want. Just don’t stop.”
Cal swallowed hard, gripping my face with his free hand, and rubbing his thumb along my cheek.
“I’m going to hell for this, but then I just killed someone, so why shouldn’t I get to enjoy you? If I’m already doomed, what do I have to lose?” Yeah… that’s the spirit… I fought the urge to snap at him, because that would stop him, and I wanted him deep inside me before he backed out.
If I gave him a split second to think, he’d change his mind.
He was riding on adrenaline, and confusion, and god only knows what else.
Actually, fuck that, god doesn’t have a clue.
God doesn’t exist, except to people who want to use his name to try and control others, or enforce certain behaviours.
Case in point; being gay is wrong? How can being what you are be wrong?
“Get on the bed, Ash. I want you naked now.” I didn’t argue, dragging the rest of my clothes off as fast as I could, watching as he started undoing the prissy trousers he was wearing. He was really getting naked for me. Would this finally fucking happen?
He dropped his trousers and stepped out of them, and his hands settled on his simple white boxers, but he didn’t push them down.
He was hard, I could fucking see it, and I wanted it, damn near got up and went to grab it, but I could see his brain starting to tick over again.
If I didn’t do something, he’d back off, it was so fucking clear he was losing his nerve.
“Cal? What’s up? Not got the balls to fuck me like I deserve? Am I naked for no fucking reason?”
Cal clenched his fists, lifting his eyes to drag his gaze obscenely over my naked body, almost creating a literal sensation of being touched. If just his eyes could make me feel this way, what would his hands feel like, or his mouth, or his fucking cock. Just do me already.
“It’s so easy for you, Ash. You haven’t had to face the upbringing I have. You haven’t been forced to worship a deity who they’d have you believe hates anyone who doesn’t fit into the normal man-woman relationship dynamic. You haven’t-”
“Been put through some attempt at conversion therapy against my will? Is that what you were about to say? I wasn’t forced into being fucked by a woman, as some sick way of making me straight?
Whatever bullshit you’re about to spout, just don’t.
This is the right thing, Cal, and everything before was wrong.
You were wrong. She was wrong, and your fucking crazy family are wrong.
I wish you’d grown up with parents like mine, who allow their children to just be who the hell they are.
I wish you’d known that kind of freedom, to grow into who you’re supposed to be, but you have that now.
You can be the you that you should always have been.
The you that… the you that’s mine. Fuck me, Cal,” I whispered as I got up and approached him, moving slowly so I wouldn’t scare the hell out of him.
He was like a scared animal right now. One wrong move would send him running from me, and honestly, if that happened, I just might fucking kill him myself.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, shakily.
“I really fucking want to, Ash.”
I took his hands and led him to the bed. “Nothing’s stopping you but you, Cal. Take what you know you want.” I stood beside the bed and pressed his hands against my bare chest, groaning at the sensation of his warm skin against mine. His touch felt so right, so fucking perfect.
“I’m yours,” I whispered, tucking my forefingers in the waistband of his boxers, and pushing them down his hips.
He trembled as I dropped them to the floor and stood up again.
I wanted him in my mouth, but he was still on the edge right now.
He was still hard, his dick practically fucking scarlet with need, just like mine.
I took Cal’s hand again, and ran it down my torso towards my cock, but he hissed in a panicked breath, and drew back before he touched me. Fuck. I guess I had to push him slower than that.
I took his hand again and lowered it to his own dick, wrapping it around his length, and using my fingers around his to stroke him slowly.
Another ragged breath left his lips, and some of the tension left his body as I focused his attention where I wanted it.
I wished I was the one touching his cock, but he was too skittish, and I wasn’t about to risk losing this now.
“That’s good, right?” I asked softly, keeping my eyes on his as he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and groaned again. He nodded once, his cheeks reddening with something, but whether it was pleasure, arousal, or embarrassment, I had no idea.
It was time to push him further, and to get some pleasure for me too. I moved his hand away from his cock, and moved closer, pressing mine against his, both of us hissing in a breath at this first forbidden touch.
Cal’s eyes were firmly on our cocks, as were mine once I realised he wasn’t running.
I moved again, wrapping his hand around both of us, or as much of both of us as I could, because the two of us were more than a handful.
He sucked in another sharp breath, and I returned us to that slow stroking motion, this time with my own foreskin being tugged back a little, and the pleasure tingling through me.
Cal’s hand was on my fucking dick at last, and everything that led to this moment suddenly seemed completely worth it.
Callum
His cock was touching mine. His cock was pressed against mine, and my own hand was touching both of them.
It was wrong, but it felt right. It was confusing, that it could feel both ways at once, because I knew it shouldn’t be wrong, but I’d spent my life having it drummed into my brain that being gay was an abomination, but how could it be?
“Jesus, Cal, that feels so good. Does it feel good to you?” Ash’s dark eyes fixed on mine again, and I shuddered as I saw the intensity in them. The desperate need. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, and only one of us had ever been completely truthful about that fact.
If I could do this, could I do more? Would I have the courage to take things further? We’d talked of fucking, but now I didn’t know if I had enough bravery for that. It was a huge deal. Not only sex, but my true first time, and finally with him. He was always meant to be my first, wasn’t he?
“Breathe, Cal, look, this is us. This is what we’re meant to be. Where’s your God now? Is he watching? Does he even care? Do you still think he’ll smite you for this? How can this be wrong?”
I knew he was right, I knew he was making sense, but a lifetime of indoctrination was hard to shake off. He tightened my grip around our cocks, and we both groaned in response.
“I want you to fuck me, Cal, please. If this feels so good, imagine how amazing that’ll feel. You’re allowed to feel good. You’re allowed to enjoy this. It’s time to take back your life, babe, you can do this.”
I pulled my hand away, instantly wishing I’d left it there.
“B… bend over the bed, Ash. Give me your ass. I… want…” I clenched my fists against the sudden surge of anger, and yelled the word, “FUCK!”
“Cal-”
“Bend over the fucking bed, Ash. Spread your ass for me.”
He moved quickly, like he was afraid I’d change my mind, or run from him, and honestly both options were warring inside my head with the need for him, with the fucking desperate want to be with him.
It had always been him, because he’d never let me deny my feelings, or his.
He’d always known what he wanted, who he wanted.
He’d always known who he was, and I wished I’d always had the room, and the support from my family, to be able to be that sure about myself.
“Cal? It’s okay. This is right. This is meant to be,” Ash said, resting a hand on mine, since he’d assumed the position, but straightened up once I’d hesitated yet again. “Will it help if I kiss you again?”
Would it? I wanted that, but I also felt like everything we did, even if it wasn’t a sin, was chipping away another part of the me I’d been my whole life.
Was it eating away at my psyche? Was it removing everything that made me who I was, and if it did, what would be left?
A rampant sinner, with no morals at all?
“Cal-”
“Shut up. Just give me a minute.”
Ash was never one to back off or shut up, so when he paused for a few seconds, I really thought he’d listened to me. The thing about Ash though? He never fucking quit. A second later, he shoved me, and I staggered back a few paces.
“What the hell?”
He glared at me, but the fury in his eyes was more than just fury, was it hurt? Pain? Was it humiliation? I had no idea, but I knew that he was in as much agony as me. Why was I holding back, when there was no reason to anymore? Why was I still hurting him?
“Stop jerking me around, dammit! Do you know the fucking hell I’ve been through, because of you?
Do you know what it’s like to be in love, and get rejected every fucking time you try to make a connection?
Do you know what it’s like to be told no, over and over again, when all you want to do is ignore that word, and fucking take what you want instead? ”
“Huh?” My head jerked back, and I stared at him in horror, those last few words being the ones that really sunk in.
“Ash… are you saying you’ll fucking force me? You’ll rape me, if I don’t do what you want? Is that really where we’re at right now? Is this the person you are?”
He sighed, his shoulders dropping for a moment, as he stared at the floor.
“Fuck’s sake, Cal.” He lifted his head, meeting my eyes again. “If that’s what it takes, then yeah, I’ll fucking force you, and you know what else? I’ll make you like it. I’ll make you love what I do to you, so you’ll fucking beg me for it next time.”