Chapter 15 - Mars
The sobs finally run dry, but I can't make myself let go of her.
My face stays pressed against her stomach while her fingers move through my hair, slow and steady.
Two years of poison have drained out of me onto her kitchen floor, yet one question remains, one thing I need to hear before I can believe any of it.
Pulling back enough to look up at her, I search her face. "He really wasn't driving?"
"No." Her thumb brushes once along my cheekbone to sweep away the damp before her hand falls away. "My dad was."
Three quiet words, and the story I've been telling myself for two years cracks straight down the middle. Her gaze lifts from mine and moves over my shoulder to everyone watching this go down, and whatever she finds there makes her step back from me.
"Get up, Mars." She tells me in a calm voice. "I need you to come with me. I have something you need to hear."
With one last glance at the others, she turns and walks out of the kitchen toward the stairs again.
Nobody says a word. Pushing to my feet takes real effort, my legs shaky and my head swimming, but the weight I carried into this house is not the weight I stand up with.
Gage gives me a single nod. Torrin's hand closes briefly on my shoulder as I pass, and then I'm climbing the stairs after her.
She waits at her bedroom door and holds it open for me. Stepping past her puts me close enough to catch the scent of her hair, and everything in me aches at how long it's been since I was allowed this near to her. The door clicks shut behind us.
"Take a seat." She nods toward the bed.
Lowering myself onto the edge of her mattress feels wrong and sacred at the same time, so I keep my hands on my knees and my eyes on her.
She crosses to her desk, picks up her phone, and turns back to face me.
For a long moment she only studies me, green eyes moving over my face while I hold still under the inspection.
Then a sigh moves through her, half sadness and half exasperation, and she holds the phone out.
"I was in the shower when Atlas called me that night." Her voice stays even, though her fingers grip the phone tight before she lets it go to me. "I downloaded his voicemail so I would never lose it. Press play."
My hands shake as I stare down at the screen.
Two years without his voice, my best friend.
Part of me would give anything to hear it again, while the other part is terrified of what he might have said about me after that parking lot.
Whatever it is, I have to face it. My thumb hovers over the screen until I force it to hit play.
"Hey, little moon."
His voice fills the room, warm and alive, and my lungs forget how to work. A deep sigh crackles through the speaker.
"You probably already know this, but Mars came to see me at the arena tonight.
Let's just say it didn't go well. Actually, I was kind of a dick about it.
The whole thing was a blindside, and I wish you would have talked to me first. You know I'll always support you and your choices.
" A laugh breaks through, the one I would know anywhere.
"Even if he was my friend first, brat. So, after a couple beers and a smack upside the head from Mom, I've cooled down, and I know I was wrong. "
My grip tightens around the phone until the case creaks. He cooled down. All this time, and he cooled down that same night.
"Anyway, if he makes you happy and you really want to be with him, then I'm good with it.
I said some really harsh things to him that I didn't mean in the heat of the moment.
Mars is a really good guy and a great friend.
As long as he doesn't hurt you, I'm cool with it.
Just don't tell him I said that yet." Another laugh rolls out of the speaker.
"I'll make it right with him tomorrow. Big brother gets to make him sweat for at least that long, right? "
A sound scrapes out of my throat, half breath and half breaking. He was going to make it right. Tomorrow was already his plan, and tomorrow never got the chance to come.
"Alright, we're at Alfredo's picking up dinner, and it just came out. Bringing you home your favorite carbonara. I'm glad you're home for the summer. Missed you, little moon. Okay, love you, bye."
The voicemail ends, and the silence afterward rings louder than his voice did. Tears stream hot down my face as I lift my eyes to her. She's watching me with her arms wrapped around her middle, and her own eyes shine wet in the lamplight.
"He wasn't driving, and he didn't mean the things he said to you." Her voice stays soft but doesn't waver. "The only thing to blame for the accident, for them dying, was shitty weather that turned the roads to ice. It wasn't your fault, Mars. It was never your fault at all."
"I don't know what to say, Luna." The words come out wrecked and raw.
"All this time, I thought it was. I thought staying away from you was the best thing I could ever do for you.
God, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I wasn't here for you.
I never stopped loving you, not for one single day.
I just didn't think you would want me after that. I didn't think I deserved you."
She takes the phone from my hands and sets it on the desk, a frown pulling at her mouth. Whatever she's turning over in her head, she takes her time with it, and I make myself stay quiet while she does. The silence stretches until I can't stand one more second of it.
"I'll do whatever it takes for you to forgive me and give me, give us, another chance." My voice drops low, and every word costs me. "Please, Luna. Tell me how to make this right."
A sigh leaves her as she cocks her head at me.
"I've already forgiven you, Mars." She says it plainly, without anger, and somehow that's worse.
"I can forgive you because of what you believed you were at fault for.
But there is no us. There's no second chance to have.
" Her chin lifts, and the softness in her face hardens into something older.
"What I can't forget is that you made me promises, and the second things got hard, you ran.
You left me when I needed you the most. You should have come to me.
You should have talked to me. But you chose to leave instead.
I can't trust you, and that means I can't love you, Mars.
You can stay with us, with your friends, and you can come to the mine with us.
But you and me? That's not going to happen again.
I'm sor..." She stops herself and shakes her head.
"No, I'm not going to apologize for something you did, for something you caused. "
Every word hits its mark, and I don't move, don't argue, because she's right about all of it. She walks to the door and pulls it open.
"I need to talk to the others, and we need to get moving on the plan." Pausing in the doorway, she looks back at me, and for one moment her face softens. "It's good to see you. I'm glad you made it back safely, Mars."
Then she walks out.
I stare at the empty doorway long after her footsteps fade down the stairs.
Alone in her room, I sit with everything she said, and none of it was wrong.
She handed me the truth that freed me from two years of guilt, then handed me the bill for what my leaving cost us.
Both of those things are what I have to live with now.
Regret settles heavy in my gut, right beside the grief for the friend who forgave me before he even hit the highway but underneath all of it, I hang on to the gift that she forgave me.
The girl who owed me nothing gave me that, and she's letting me stay, letting me come with them.
That's already more of a chance than I thought I’d get.
Broken promises are the reason I lost her, so I make myself a new one right here in her room.
I'll show her, day after day, that I'm never going anywhere again.
Earning back her trust will happen one choice at a time, and I'll give it however long it needs.
Someday, when she's ready, I’ll find a way to change her mind about us.
That promise is one I won't ever break.