Chapter 31 - Torrin
I scrub a hand down my face and try to push the exhaustion back far enough to think.
There are people moving around me in every direction, hauling totes and calling out to each other, and the equipment bay that swallowed our whole convoy this afternoon has stopped looking so big.
Three rows of campers stand along the east side and people are going along making sure the batteries are hooked up and opening the slides on the units that have them.
A brief random thought surfaces in my mind, wondering about being able to plug in the units for power and fill tanks with water but then I realize that sounds like a good Sorenson problem for another day.
It isn’t something to worry about tonight.
Most of the vehicles are inside now too and in between are mounds of supplies like bedding, lumber, pallets of canned goods, tarps, tools, and stacks of furnace filters.
All of it needs sorting, storing, and some kind of order.
Again, I think that sounds like a great problem for tomorrow.
I know I don’t feel up to taking that on tonight.
What I need is either a bucket of coffee or nine hours flat on my back. I’d prefer the second one right now.
The faces going past me look different than they did at supper.
People are tired, but they've lost that haunted look they had when they climbed off the bus, because every one of them has a bed tonight.
I heard that some of Sorensen's group hauled mattresses brought in from the supply run into the office space and claimed a few offices to sleep in.
Some of the families with kids will be in the campers to give them more space.
I don't much care where I end up as long as it’s with Luna.
That said, I am not going to complain about the fifth wheel Jules claimed for us.
It's a massive beast at over forty feet long with enough good sleeping space for our odd little family to stay together.
I start toward it to find out whether we're done for the night or if Anders has one more project waiting, and I spot Luna instead.
She's standing alone at the back corner of the motorhome with her arms crossed over her stomach, looking lost, so I change course to check in with her. My magic wakes up about ten steps away from her with that buzz I’m slowly getting used to.
The feelings that I’m getting off her hit me hard enough that I automatically speed up to get to her.
Despair, mixed with anxiety that feels sharp, a feeling like she’s a rubber band that’s reached its limits and is about to snap.
She's standing perfectly still and she’s drowning in it.
I reach for her hand and turn her gently toward me seeing the pain in her eyes as she moves in against my chest, and I wrap both arms around her.
"What is it, love? What's wrong?"
She doesn't answer but her arms come around my back and she squeezes tightly like she needs me to hold her up. She presses her face into my shirt and stays that way for a full minute. People walk past but pretend not to notice us and nobody stops.
When she finally leans back, her eyes are wet.
"I don't know what to do, Tor." Her voice wobbles on my name. "It’s Gage. He’s really upset and I don't know how to fix it."
"Gage?" I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "I noticed he's been in a mood since we went into town. I figured he and Jules were bickering about something again."
Her face crumples. "It's me. They're arguing about me, and I don't know what to do."
Ah, that makes sense. It finally came to a head.
I've known this was coming for months. Every one of us has, whether we wanted to admit it or not.
I just didn't think today would be the day, with an ash cloud on the horizon, forty strangers in the building, and nobody having slept properly in a week.
It's a conversation the five of us have needed to have for a long time.
It pisses me off that the way it finally went was with her standing in the middle of the crossfire.
"Listen to me," I keep my voice low. "None of this is your fault and it isn’t yours alone to fix. I promise you it'll get worked out."
She shakes her head and swipes at a tear with the back of her hand, frustrated with it.
"No, you don't understand. Reid, and then Jules, they both...
" She takes a breath. "They kissed me. Behind the motorhome, right before you left for town and Gage saw it.
" Her eyes come up to mine, and they are full of pure misery.
"The look on his face, Tor. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fix that. "
Well, fuckity fuck. They made their move?
Both of them? At the same time? A spike of jealousy and frustration runs through me.
Where does that leave me? I want to ask her, but I can't. She has enough weighing on her tonight without me adding more to the pile. At the same time, I've been careful with her for a very long time, and being careful is starting to feel like it’s costing me. I need to tell her how I feel, but I need to tread lightly. I don’t want to make her feel worse or more scared than she already is.
"They both kissed you." I keep my expression even. "Were you okay with that?"
Her face turns nervous, and a wash of pink climbs her cheeks as she looks away from me. Then she nods.
I take a breath and hold it a second before letting it go. "Alright. So, if you're okay with it, then what does it have to do with Gage?"
Her eyes come back up.
"God, Tor, I'm such a mess. I don't know what I want."
That's not true, and we both know it. She knows exactly what she wants. She's just never let herself look straight at it, and I've watched her do that for a while now, so I lay it out for her as gently as I can.
"You liked having them kiss you. You have feelings for them, and there's nothing wrong with that." I wait until she's looking at me. "You have feelings for Gage too, don't you?"
She catches her bottom lip in her teeth and doesn't answer.
"You have feelings for all of them." I keep going, because she's not going to get there by herself. "And maybe for me too?"
The nod is so small I feel it more than see it. I pull her in and kiss her forehead, and it takes more out of me than she'll ever know, because it isn't her forehead I want to kiss right now.
"Luna, love. There is nothing wrong with that.
I promise you. If anything, maybe it would be more strange if you didn't." I rub my hand slowly up and down her back.
"Think about it this way. We've all lived under one roof for two years. Day after day, meal after meal, every good thing and every bad thing, all of us in one house. Doesn’t it make sense that our feelings grew?
Maybe it isn't conventional but be honest with me.
Do you really think you could pick one of us and be happy? "
A war of conflict rages over her face but her brow furrows, she sighs and gives her head one tiny shake.
"My head tells me that wanting to be with all of you is wrong.
" She says it looking at the floor, like she can’t meet my eyes as she admits this.
"My heart, though. It's what my heart wants.
My whole life I've just been trying to be good, you know?
To be a good person. And this feels like it goes against that. "
I brush a lock of hair back from her cheek and give her the softest smile I have.
"Why?" I ask. "Who are you hurting? None of us are trying to hurt anybody. We want to be with you. We all love you and you want to be with us. I don’t see any victims in that. Maybe we aren’t typical, but we’re a family in our hearts.
" I tip her chin up forcing her to meet my eyes so that I know she really hears this.
"You are a good person. You're one of the best people I have ever met in my life, and your heart is enormous. To me, it makes complete sense that there's room in it for more than one man. I’m not saying it’ll always be easy. "
She glances over her shoulder and scans the crowd before her eyes come back.
"But Gage," Her voice conflicted. "I just don't think he's the kind of man who could be okay with any of this. He's everything to me, Tor. All of you are. And I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him."
I laugh, quiet and short.
"Yeah, that's not happening." I say confidently, because it's the truth. "That man is head over heels in love with you and has been for years. This is something he needs to sort out inside his own thick skull, and nobody can do that for him."
"He won't even talk to me. I tried, and he brushed me off."
Anger and disappointment flash through me. Gage has never brushed her off in his life. He would have known how much that would hurt her. It makes me feel like I should go find him and dick punch him, but really there’s nothing I can do to fix that tonight, so I try and smooth it over.
"You know what?" I run my thumb along her jaw.
"It's late, and this has to be in the top three of longest days either of us has ever lived through.
We all need sleep before anybody makes major life choices on top of the apocalypse ones.
Leave Gage out of it for tonight. Give him space, give him time, and maybe things will look different in the morning. Okay?"
She sniffs, and nods, and wipes her face on her sleeve.
"Good. Now, what do you say we go check out the fifth wheel? I haven’t been in it yet. Have you? I know I'm ready to get horizontal and close my eyes."
"Yeah, I could curl up and ignore the world for a bit. I just took Penny out to do her business, so she is looked after for now."
"Then come on." I take her hand. "Let's go check out our new home."
We walk over and climb up the steps. Someone has already made sure the slides are out and the door is unlocked. I find the keys hanging on a hook beside the door when I get inside.
"Holy shit, this is huge! People actually buy these things for camping?"