Chapter 36 - Jules
Gage comes down the motorhome steps at first light wearing yesterday's shirt and a contented expression on his face He looks more relaxed than I’ve seen him in a long time, even before the moon cracked.
The biggest tell is that permanent crease between his eyebrows is gone.
He crosses the bay toward the shower rooms without noticing me sitting on the fifth wheel steps with a cup of coffee.
That says plenty on its own, because Gage notices everything.
The fact that he walks right past me tells me more than I need to know about how his night went.
A slow grin pulls at my lips as I take another drink. It's about fucking time.
I've been saying it for a long time. None of us gets what we want by trying to shove everyone else out of the way. Luna loves all of us in different ways. Each of us gives her something and making her choose would only hurt her and all the ones she didn’t choose.
Gage has fought that harder than anyone, mostly because the giant idiot convinced himself that he could only have her the conventional way.
Love isn’t always linear like that. There’s nothing wrong with two people in love in a relationship, that was just never going to work for us.
I think maybe he gets that now because something changed last night, and judging by his face this morning, I'd say it changed pretty thoroughly.
My coffee tastes especially good today so I toast his back as he walks past and then I toast myself for being right…as usual.
An hour later, I find him by one of the trucks with the hood up and half his big body bent over the engine. He pulls the air filter free, holds it toward the light, then frowns.
"That bad already?" I ask as I stop beside the grille.
"No, this one's clean but it won’t be for long.
" He puts it back in place and wipes his hands on a rag.
"There's one spare for each of these trucks and that's it. That’s not going to be enough if we want to be able to drive out there for long.
This ash gets sucked into everything that moves, and once the grit starts grinding through engines, we're fucked. "
"So, I’m hearing that today's shopping list has filters on the top of it?"
He nods and starts ticking things off on his fingers.
"Filters, more masks, sealant, goggles, anything we can use to keep the ash out.
Every auto parts store, equipment shop, farm supply place we can find in Drumheller, we strip what we can today before we run out and get stuck without functioning wheels. "
"Sounds exciting. Just think, not that long ago my shopping list consisted of designer labels and high-end tech. This is so much more fulfilling to shop for."
His mouth lifts in a grin at my sarcasm, but only for a second before he turns back to the truck.
I watch him tinker with parts and hoses that looked perfectly fine to me, not that I’d know.
He wipes his hands again, folds the rag and unfolds it so I wait him out, knowing him well enough that he doesn’t say anything until it’s played out in his mind countless times.
Eventually, he huffs out a breath and looks over at me.
"About the other night out when we were working on the pen."
I lift my brows. "Which part? When you dropped the earth out from under me, or when you screamed at me because I was right?"
He scrubs at his beard with one hand and then shrugs a shoulder.
"Both, I guess." He turns fully toward me.
"You told me I was being selfish. That I was so focused on what I wanted with Luna that I wasn't seeing what she needed.
" His jaw clenches like this is hard for him to say. "I spent days wanting you to be wrong."
"I'm rarely wrong. It's one of my better qualities."
He ignores that. "You weren't." Gage looks down at the rag in his hands before meeting my eyes again.
"I was trying to make her fit into what I thought a relationship was supposed to look like because anything else scared the shit out of me.
Then I took that out on you when you called me on it.
I also took it out on her and that was wrong on so many levels.
" I can see the regret all over his face, so I just nod and he goes on.
"I'm sorry, Jules. For what I did out there to you with my magic and for treating you like you were trying to take something from me when you were trying to stop me from hurting her."
For once, I don't have a smart-ass response ready and that’s okay because this is too important to be flippant about. I push away from the grille and step closer.
"I was never trying to take anything from you, asshole. You're my brother. I yelled at you because you were about to break her heart and yours at the same time, and I wasn't going to stand there and watch it happen." I grip his shoulder. "That's it. There was never anything else behind it."
He gives one hard nod, then his hand closes around my forearm, tight enough to say everything neither of us needs to spell out.
A few seconds later, I pull away. "Now that we've finished our deeply moving reconciliation, tell me if there’s anything fun we can loot from Drumheller."
Gage snorts, and the whole morning feels lighter, but I can’t help but stick it to him a bit so I wait until he turns back to the engine and say under my breath, "Choo-choo."
His hand flashes out and shoves me a bit. "I will put you through this windshield."
"All aboard, brother. Next stop, happiness.
" I'm already walking away, grinning at the string of curses that follows me and toss over my shoulder, "Shave that face carpet off before we go.
Elenor says your mask needs a seal, and I need to watch Luna's brain fall out of her ears when she sees your chin for the first time. "
I go to get the masks in the fifth wheel and find the woman I love already working on it.
Luna stands at the island counter with a tote open in front of her, sorting masks and goggles into piles with a marker between her teeth.
Her hair is braided back off her face, and she's wearing a green cotton dress that matches her eyes. I take in her bare legs and wonder at how she’s entirely too gorgeous for this hour of the morning.
"One kit per person." She writes my name on a strip of tape and smooths it onto the side of a mask.
"Spares are in the bag if this one gets too clogged and goggles are clipped to the straps.
If any of you takes it off out there to be macho, I will find out about it, and there will be consequences. " She threatens me with a cute glare.
"Promises, promises." I tease and close the door behind me, flipping the lock. She shoots me an intrigued look, but I shake my head. "Sorry, Cin, no time for that right now. I need a few minutes to share something with you, and I'd rather not have it interrupted."
Something in my voice reaches her, because the marker comes out of her teeth and she sets it down slowly. "Okay, what is it? Is everyone alright?"
"Yes, everyone’s fine, baby. This is about Reid."
Her whole body goes still and soft at his name. God, the way she loves him.
"He wants you, Luna. He made that clear when he kissed you but…he's terrified. Not of you. Never of you. You're one of the few woman on this planet whose attention has never hurt him."
"Jules." She says in a tone soaked in sadness as realization kicks in about what I’m trying to tell her. "How much of this does he want me to hear?"
"All of it. He needs you to understand why he might react certain ways once you take the next step together.
" My throat goes tight, the way it always does when I think about his trauma.
"You know some of it already. Kara told him she shared some of it with you to try and help you understand and he knows you've probably connected pieces on your own. "
"I never asked." Tears are already standing in her eyes. "I figured if he wanted me to know, he'd tell me."
"He does but it’s still really hard for him to voice it.
So here it is. There was a woman. One of the people his mother called a friend.
Reid was a kid, Cin. Way too young for any of it, and his mother handed him over and called it doing him a favor.
Nothing that happened was his choice, and his begging didn't stop her from doing what she did.
That was his introduction to sex with a woman. Something taken, never given."
Luna presses a hand over her mouth. Tears spill over and run down without a sound while her other hand grips the counter edge until her knuckles blanch. Fury and heartbreak fight for space on her face. The fury is winning, and I love her more for it.
"His own mother," she whispers, both horrified and furious.
"Kara and I have been slowly ruining all that woman’s favorite things for years in payback.
If civilization ever reboots and she somehow survives all this, you can join us in ruining the rest of her life.
" The offer has her losing a shaky breath that’s part laugh, which is all it was for.
"Here's the part he can't bring himself to say to you.
He's not afraid of being with you that way.
He's afraid of any possible reaction he might have if some of those memories surface. He’s worried about panicking with your hands on him, and thinking it's about you.
Worst of all, that you'll hold back because of it. That you’ll be too gentle with him or careful, patient, and he'll feel handled instead of wanted.
He thinks that would break something he can't put back together. "
She wipes her face with her wrist, and her chin comes up, and there she is. My girl, rebuilding herself to carry someone else's weight.
"Tell me what he needs. Whatever it is."