Chapter 3
‘You up for staying out a bit?’ Juliana asks half an hour later. ‘We were going to see if anything fun was happening at the club tonight.’
I shrug. ‘Why not? I think my flatmates are around as well.’
‘Great!’ she says, and I message Aleesha and Morgan to ask if they are out.
Morgan’s just left to go to Luke’s, and I was going to go home but if you’re out I’ll stay, says Aleesha.
We shuffle from the bar to the club, which is well populated for a Thursday night when there are other club nights in places not so far from here, in Soho and Fitzrovia.
That’s one of Queen Anne’s best assets: even though it’s based in Central London, it has an unusually thriving student union, with bars that people actually drink in, a club that hosts well-attended club nights and actually pretty famous live music acts (to Tyler’s great joy). We’re all in the mood to dance.
I hop from foot to foot on my patent ballet flats as we cross the threshold. ‘I need to get this nervous energy out of my system.’
‘Let go!’ Tyler says, clapping me on the shoulder. ‘Forget about that guy.’
‘I’m going to dance it out,’ I say assertively. But the DJ is playing a certified non-banger, so we slope off to the bar, where I can see Aleesha playing on her phone, rather than heading straight to the dance floor.
‘There you are!’ I say, throwing my arms around her.
‘Hey! And hi, Tyler,’ Aleesha says, nodding in their direction. ‘If you hadn’t come, I would definitely have headed home. This music blows.’
‘It kind of does blow, doesn’t it?’ I agree.
While we wait for the bartender to produce our drinks, Tyler nudges me with their elbow. ‘Did I see Felix Balfour groping your thigh earlier? Or did my eyes deceive me?’
‘Groping is a bit strong,’ I say, rolling my eyes, but I’m unable to contain my smile. At least that’s a little ray of sunshine in my cloudy day. ‘But, no, your eyes did not deceive you.’
‘Oh my God, like Felix Felix?’ Aleesha asks gleefully.
‘The very same,’ I say.
Tyler raises their eyebrows and taps their card on the card reader. ‘Be careful with that one.’
‘I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I assure you. And besides, I know he’s a terrible flirt. I am too,’ I say, shrugging.
Tyler gives me a reassuring smile. ‘Well, maybe it’ll be a match made in heaven then.’
‘I don’t want to marry him, Ty.’
‘Don’t you?’ Aleesha says coyly, sipping her rum and Coke through the little black paper straw.
‘No! Of course I don’t!’ In fairness, I have talked about my crush on him quite a lot recently. It’s possible my flatmates know more about him than his own mother does.
‘Anyway, what happened to that nice boy you were seeing over exam season?’ Tyler asks.
‘Alex Frost? Exam season is a law unto itself, everyone knows that. It’s outside of space and time.’
Aleesha nods in agreement. ‘It’s true.’
‘So I take it that didn’t work out?’ Tyler asks with a smile.
‘It worked out perfectly! We had some nice distraction from the pressures of exams and then went our separate ways!’
Tyler nods sagely. ‘I suppose it did work out then. That’s why you’re the one with the advice column, not me.’
Just then, a girl comes up to our table a little nervously. ‘Are you . . . Ask M-E Anything?’ she asks me, smiling tentatively.
‘I am indeed!’ I say, with so much enthusiasm she looks even more scared, when all I wanted to do was reassure her that I am very friendly.
‘I just wanted to say I loved your column last year,’ she says, blushing. ‘Are you doing it again this year?’
‘Of course! And I’m so happy you like it!’ I say, clasping my hands together in joy.
‘I love it. I read it with my flatmates every time there’s a new Quad! It’s kind of the only reason I pick it up,’ she says, shrugging.
‘And for the excellent music coverage!’ I say quickly, so Tyler doesn’t feel left out.
‘Er, yeah, that too,’ the girl says, taking my lead but not sure what to do with it. ‘Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I love it.’
‘That’s super kind of you!’ I say, but she’s already gone.
‘Look at our little celebrity,’ says Tyler brightly, clearly not too offended by the suggestion that my column is the best thing about Quad.
Then Aleesha says what we are all thinking. ‘Don’t you think it’s mad that, like . . . no one is dancing? Thursday night in the union and not a soul on the dance floor.’
Tyler shrugs. ‘I mean, it’s not like it’s wall-to-wall tunes.’
‘No, but it should be,’ I say, annoyed by the lack of general merriment around us.
I thought this was going to be an opportunity to grind on Felix, but he’s deep in conversation with Patrick and Georgia Scott, the film editor, over a pint at one of the high tables on the other side of the floor.
The DJ, a guy with lank dark hair wearing all black, seems unperturbed that he has a captive audience and yet no one is dancing.
‘I can’t believe they disconnected the jukebox for the evening for this. ’
‘Well, why don’t you be the change you wish to see in the world and all that?’ Tyler pushes their short blond hair back in a very charming and roguish way.
‘How should I attempt that, oh wise one?’ I ask.
‘I can’t imagine it’s that hard to start your own night here . . . I mean, I could ask Mark who manages the union for you, if you want?’
I let out a laugh. ‘Moi? A nightlife entrepreneur? Dare I say a DJ?’
‘Oh, my days,’ Aleesha says, grinning. ‘I love this already!’
‘Why not?’ Tyler asks, bolstered by Aleesha’s enthusiasm. ‘You’ve got good taste, you’ve got style, you know a lot of people and a lot of people know you – you could definitely get bodies through the door.’
‘And onto the dance floor, most importantly,’ I say, narrowing my eyes at the DJ resolutely sticking to wordless bleeps.
I mean, Tyler’s not wrong, but I can’t say I’ve ever considered such a thing before. What do I know about DJing? Not a lot!
‘Precisely,’ they say. ‘Plus, everyone fancies the DJ. Well, most DJs . . .’ Tyler doesn’t need to point out that the vibeless situation in front of us is slightly undermining their point.
‘So what you’re saying is that it could be fun for me, but also a vehicle for further adventures in romance . . .’
‘That’s precisely what I’m saying. Plus, I think it would be fun for me, personally.’
‘Plus, think of the outfits.’ Aleesha grabs me by my chubby upper arms. ‘Are you thinking of the outfits? Tell me you’re thinking of the outfits!’
‘There’s a lot of potential to serve looks,’ I say, nodding thoughtfully. ‘Which is, of course, the second most important part after the fact that everyone fancies the DJ.’
‘Or third most important part, after bringing the vibes to the union,’ Tyler reminds me. ‘What’s your USP? I assume it’s not going to be . . . whatever beepy shit this is.’
‘It most certainly is not!’ I say, horrified. ‘Do I need a USP?’
‘In my expert opinion, yes.’
‘Agreed,’ Aleesha pipes up.
‘Well, you are the music editor so I should probably take your advice seriously,’ I say to Tyler before turning to Aleesha. ‘And I always take you seriously.’
‘Sharing a bedroom wall with you means that I’m very aware that you like pop music, so why not something poppy and fun?’ Aleesha suggests, before cutting a dirty look in the direction of the DJ. ‘The fun part is, like, really important.’
Tyler sips thoughtfully for a moment. ‘What about vintage bangers?’
‘I like it! But I need parameters for what counts as vintage . . .’ I take out my phone to google when ‘Hey Ya!’ by Outkast was released. Apparently it was 2003.
‘What about only songs released in 2003 and earlier?’ I suggest.
Tyler laughs. ‘That’s quite specific.’
I shrug. ‘You said I needed a USP . . . maybe my USP can be that I only play songs that were released before I was born.’
‘I’ve definitely heard of worse parameters for a club night,’ Tyler nods, their eyes narrowed as if they’re deep in thought. ‘You could call it ThrowBax . . . like the word “throwbacks” but, you know, with your name in it?’
‘Tyler Shaw! Your mind!’ Aleesha exclaims with delight. I suppose it is quite a good name.
‘You are a true marketing genius,’ I say. ‘Anyway, why don’t you have a club night if it sounds so fun and easy to you?’
They shake their head. ‘Nah, too much effort.’
‘Ha!’
‘But you should definitely do it!’ they add instantly, not wanting to deter me from my newfound mission to be Queen Anne’s greatest DJ. Or at least a better DJ than this guy. ‘I’ll talk to Mark at the union, put you two in touch so you can sort it out, but I’d be shocked if he didn’t go for it.’
‘Do you know what? I think this might be an excellent idea.’ I can’t believe how quickly a plan has come together!
I might not have achieved my plan of escalating my flirting with Felix, but I do have a fun new thing to look forward to – assuming this Mark guy says yes to it – so all in all, not a waste of a night.
Tyler clinks their glass against Aleesha’s and then against mine. ‘I’ll drink to that. Hey, in exchange for setting you up with a new career as a DJ, can I ask you a favour?’
‘Anything for you,’ I say, and I actually do mean it.
‘Well, you know how I’m a neurospicy icon?’
I nod. ‘I do.’
‘Well, Felix doesn’t, and I sense he’d be weird about it, but I could do with some help proofing my section . . . and you’re so eagle-eyed and on it, I was wondering if you could help me out?’ Tyler flutters their eyelashes at me.
‘Is that it?’ I ask, slightly disbelieving.
Tyler shrugs. ‘Maybe it’s not a big deal for you but it would help me out a lot.’
‘I would be honoured. Agony aunt, DJ, proofreader . . . I kind of feel like I’ve got a lot going on this year!’ I say, delighted at my good fortune. If you couldn’t tell, I’m a person who veritably perishes without a lot going on.
But Tyler’s idea is one I truly didn’t see coming. Mary-Elizabeth Baxter: DJ of the future?