Chapter 11
I did it! I did it! I slept with Felix! And it was hot!
He was just so assertive, so commanding even, not like a lot of the nervous, fumbling boys I’ve been with before.
This is what I’m realising: it’s so rarely about what they actually do but how they make you feel, and Felix makes me feel excited and desired.
All of which makes it hard to remember that I kept telling myself I just wanted to sleep with him to say I’d done it.
That was more than doing it – that was loving it.
So . . . now what do I do? Find a new crush and move on?
Or maybe just keep things going with Felix a little bit longer?
I mean, now that I know I like his style?
Now I know I like the way we work together in bed, the way he seems to find me and my body extremely hot.
It’s only sensible . . . Nothing serious obviously.
‘So, was this just a . . . one-time thing, or what?’ I venture in bed the next morning, trying to keep my tone incredibly casual. Like I don’t care either way.
He props himself up on his elbow and leans his gorgeous face against his hand. He looks down at me in a very handsome way. ‘I hadn’t really thought about it. Why, what do you want?’
I shrug. ‘I’m easy, I just like to know where I stand.’
‘It was fun . . . I’d definitely do it again. If you would too, right?’ He sounds almost like he thinks I might say no. I enjoy having the upper hand for about two milliseconds.
‘Sure, why not?’
He nods, looks like he’s thinking. ‘The only thing is, I would feel kind of weird about it if everyone at Quad knew, you know? Like just . . . politically. I feel like it would be a bad look. I don’t want to be accused of favouring you or making things weird in the magazine. Does that make sense?’
Without even meaning to – I swear – my face automatically arranges itself into what I know to be a look of such scepticism it could probably turn a man to stone.
‘What?!’ he says, laughing.
‘Are you trying to tell me that I’m the only girl on Quad you’ve slept with?’
‘Is that so hard to believe?’ He looks at me with what I imagine he thinks is complete sincerity, eyes all wide, blinking those pretty eyelashes of his.
‘Er, yes, abso-fucking-lutely.’ I very much roll my eyes at him. ‘Not that it would be a problem either way, what with this being a very casual thing and all. But I do write a dating and relationships advice column. You know that, right?’ I give him my best, entirely innocent smile.
‘I had heard something to that effect, yes.’
‘So I am not naive. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t treat me . . . thusly,’ I say tightly.
He nods. ‘OK, I don’t think you’re naive. I just don’t like people talking about my business, and I want to retain some vague air of authority at Quad, even if it’s . . .’ He shakes his head and closes his eyes.
‘What?’
‘A sinking ship,’ he says, but I really don’t want to get into Quad Media politics at this particular moment in time. Not very sexy, is it? Obviously, it does affect me but . . . like I said, not very sexy.
‘OK, I won’t tell anyone at Quad,’ I say finally.
What does it matter? It’s not like I wanted to get with Felix so I could tell people about it.
I wanted to get with Felix because I fancy him, and now I want to keep getting with Felix because I like the way his hands feel on me, so confident and unafraid.
‘Great, thank you.’ He shifts his position a little and runs a hand up my thigh, as if to prove my point. ‘And obviously, I’m going away next year so the timing . . . it’s not great.’
‘Oh?’ I say, acting as if this is completely new information, and not something I learned from Olu in the magazine office.
‘Yeah . . . got my year abroad coming up actually,’ he says, like it’s sort of a surprise to him.
‘And where are you off to?’
‘Guadeloupe – it’s in the Caribbean.’
‘I know where Guadeloupe is, Felix.’
‘I mean, a lot of people don’t! I’ve got used to having to explain it!’
‘Well, that’s wonderful, congratulations. I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’
‘But you see what I mean, right? The timing . . .’
‘The timing,’ I repeat.
‘That’s why it’s best to keep it casual, you see that, right?’
‘Totally,’ I tell him, because I wanted to keep it casual too – it’s just annoying that he beat me to the punch. Classic Felix.
‘I just think you’re really cool, you know?
I think it would be hard for both of us if we got too close and then I had to go away.
’ The thing is, it sounds like he’s actually being sincere.
Maybe I’m being stupid or, heaven forbid, as naive as I just defended myself against being, but I do get the feeling that Felix might actually, you know, like me.
I head home and decide to tackle one of the problems that I picked up from my Quad mag pigeonhole earlier in the week.
As well as the askmeanything@ email address, we also offer a less embarrassing and more anonymised way of sending in questions the old-fashioned way.
Just jot it down on a bit of paper and slide it into the pigeonhole and your old friend Mary-Elizabeth will pick it up.
Dear M-E,
How can I tell if someone likes me? I’m bi, and find that I always assume girls just want to be friends with me, even though I know there’s a chance they might fancy me too, because I fancy them!
I feel like I never know for sure and am too scared to put myself out there and find out.
Or I’m scared to deal with a situation where someone likes me and I don’t like them back? I find people so hard to read! Help!
Romantically Illiterate Babe xx
Dear Romantically Illiterate Babe,
I wonder if the key to solving your problem lies in being at peace with rejection.
You use the word ‘scared’ not once but twice, both in terms of being rejected, and having to reject someone.
But what are you scared of? Think through what actually happens when you get knocked back romantically.
Think about when that’s happened in the past. Sure, it was probably not pleasant in the moment, but how do you feel about that person now?
Had you even thought about them until I just asked you to?
Was it really that deep? (If it was, then apologies! But I suspect not!)
Being at peace with rejection is the foundation to having a fun and fulfilling romantic life, if you ask me (which you did).
It allows you to keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself off, bouncing back more quickly, internalising fewer messages about yourself.
And the more you can do that, the more you can feel comfortable with rejecting other people, in a kind and gentle way.
If it didn’t kill you to get knocked back, and you were able to just go on with your day, week, life, then the person you’re so scared to reject will probably be able to do the same.
It’s kinder and more liberating than dragging someone through a mediocre back-and-forth in the name of sparing their feelings!
Now, as far as being bi and interested in girls goes, I’m going to need you to trust your gut here, and not always work on the assumption they want to be friends!
Or at least be open to the possibility that they might want something else from you.
You tell them they have a cool vibe, ask if they want to get a drink, and without being an absolute maniac, give as many signals as you can that you’re flirting with them (I’m thinking engaging and, dare I say, SEDUCTIVE eye contact, and confident body language) and then as far as I’m concerned, you’ve done your bit.
The rest is up to them and depends on whether or not they’re interested in you romantically.
And again, we meet our old friend rejection: what’s the worst that can happen if they’re not queer or not interested in you?
Sure, it’s a little bit uncomfortable and a little bit disappointing, but is it really the end of the world?
And who knows, maybe they’ve never thought about their sexuality before and you’re the person that gets them to start questioning it? I believe in you!
Love,
M-E
Oh! I do love writing my silly little column and helping people with their problems. I hope I get to do it forever.