Chapter 16
The thing about having your finger in many pies is that there’s always something going on to distract you.
Distract you from what, Mary-Elizabeth? Unfortunately, I have to confess that I need distraction from the fact that although Felix is precisely as gorgeous and delicious as I wanted him to be, the scarcity factor is taking up a lot of my brain energy.
Is he going to suddenly disappear on me?
Is he going to cancel our next planned hangout?
Is he going to drop me unceremoniously at any moment?
The latest: is he going to show up to my next night?
As annoying as that is, the fact remains that the next instalment of ThrowBax does require planning and preparation, which cancels out a little bit of the mental space I’m having to devote to being obsessed with Felix Balfour.
I’ve got outfits to think about, not to mention playlists!
Two things I do very well, if I do say so myself.
Morgan and Aleesha are still eating dinner when I leave to set up at the union, and in between gasps of delight at my silly little tulle dress with stompy boots, Morgan laments having to leave the night early to go to her boyfriend Luke’s flatmate’s birthday party at their place in Clapton.
‘It’s just rude, honestly,’ she huffs. ‘I tried to get them all to come to your night instead, but they were dead set on a house party.’
‘I’m already fuming about having to leave early,’ Aleesha says, twirling some spaghetti around her fork.
‘I just appreciate you guys coming,’ I say, thankful that at least two people will show up. For a bit.
‘Wouldn’t miss it!’ Aleesha beams at me from the table, and I feel duly reassured for at least thirty seconds that it’s not going to be a complete dead zone.
I’m on the bus, a little jittery with anticipation, full of hope that, once again, people will turn up and the first instalment wasn’t just a blip, when my phone screen illuminates with an incoming call from my stepdad.
‘Hello?’
‘Er, just a quick one, but have you heard from your mum recently?’ My stomach drops. This is not what I need right now.
‘No,’ I say, trying not to let my anticipatory jitters tip over into full-on hysteria. ‘Why?’
‘She’s just not answering her phone. I’m not sure where she is. I’m sure it’s nothing, though, so don’t you worry about it.’
‘Well, I am worried,’ I say impatiently – even though I’m not really worried, I’m just annoyed at having this dropped on me when I was already stressed.
I hear Stephen sigh. ‘She always turns up.’ Which is true, and why I’m not actually that worried. ‘Anyway, what are you up to tonight?’
‘I’m DJing at the union,’ I tell him, and start to feel a bit sick with nerves as I say it. God! I’m meant to be cool, calm and collected!
‘Oh! Well, that’s fun, isn’t it?’
‘I hope so . . .’ The bus turns off Euston Road, which is my cue to get off. ‘Well, I’m nearly there.’
‘I’ll leave you to it, then. And don’t worry about your mum. I’ll let you know if I figure out where she’s got to.’
* * *
Once again, I didn’t need to worry about no one turning up.
Even with the rival birthday party going on at Luke’s, the union is absolutely heaving by the end of the first hour.
I’m making good choices, reading the mood of the room, sticking to the vague plan I had for the flow of the music but making little adjustments where I can sense a tendency towards one direction or another, maybe sticking with disco for a little longer than I’d anticipated before sliding into some Nineties hip-hop or some spiky Eighties pop.
It’s actually going well, I just wish I was more able to enjoy it.
My brain is half there, with one quarter wondering where Felix is and another quarter wondering what my mum’s up to.
It would be much nicer if my brain could be fully there. No distractions.
My eyes keep scanning the room in search of Felix, and logically I know that any minute now he’ll walk through the door just like he did last time, but it’s still kind of distracting to have his absence feel so . . . well, present. But eyes on the prize! I’ve got work to do.
Maybe it’s because it’s so upbeat and exuberant, or maybe it’s because Dolly is the patron saint of all that is good in the world, but ‘9 to 5’ makes people lose their absolute minds. Ugh, I wish Felix was here to see this! Never mind.
Around 11.30 p.m., Aleesha approaches the DJ booth with her arms outstretched. ‘Me and Morgan are heading to Luke’s for Tommy’s party now! See you later or tomorrow, I guess!’
Morgan bops her way over to join Aleesha, twirling ecstatically to ‘You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)’.
‘Sorry we’re having to bail early, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to make any difference to the vibe!
’ She looks back over her shoulder where everyone is reaching peak joy.
‘Did Felix turn up?’ Morgan cranes her neck to scan the crowd for him, something I’ve been subtly doing all night.
‘Not yet!’ I say as hopefully as I can manage.
‘Boo!’ Morgan gives an enthusiastic thumbs down.
‘Boo indeed,’ I say flatly.
‘Have a fun night!’ She leans into the DJ booth and kisses me on the forehead before the two of them disappear.
Just before the stroke of midnight, with two hours still to go until the end of the night, I check my phone, and to my surprise the screen is full of messages.
The dopamine hit of correspondence mingles with the instinctive knowledge that multiple text messages from different people is probably not going to be all good.
MUM: SORRY about Stephen bothering you earlier, he’s so silly.
I left him a note saying I was going to spend the night at Leila’s in Margate because I felt like some sea air, but he didn’t think to look in the fruit bowl where I left it ??.
Apparently, I’m not allowed to turn my phone off for a bit of peace either!
A likely story. I wonder what she’s really up to. Probably off sneaking around with some inappropriately young guy that she’s managed to hypnotise.
STEPHEN: Don’t worry about your mum, it seems she did leave a note! All good! Good luck with spinning those discs!
Which leaves only one more. Ugh.
FELIX: Really sorry but I can’t make it tonight – some important issues have come up at Quad and I need to deal with it. All the fun of being the magazine editor! Hope the night goes well though.
Again, I say UGH!
On the one hand, it makes me feel extremely miserable because now I know he’s not coming, but on the other hand, knowing he’s not coming means I don’t have to spend any more time wondering whether he’s going to turn up or not.
Instead, I can devote that brain space to wondering what these important issues are and how they’re going to affect yours truly, the protagonist of the universe. But for now, we dance.
I try to forget my troubles and twirl around the DJ booth in my silly little tulle dress, swishing around and letting my curls bounce to the music. I don’t need Felix! I don’t need anyone! I am fine on my own! I’m a DJ running a successful club night! People are dancing! I look gorgeous!
There’s a steady stream of people wanting requests, which on the one hand I take as an insult to my superlative DJing skills, but on the other, it’s actually kind of nice to feel like a special little princess that people have to wait around to speak to.
I take flirty little sips through the stripy straw on my lime and soda between chats, because I’ve got to stay hydrated, and nod attentively at the people leaning into the DJ booth to ask for ‘Edge of Seventeen’ by Stevie Nicks, ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears, ‘4 My People’ by Missy Elliott.
And then, ‘Hello, Mary-Elizabeth,’ comes a low, flat voice I’m now annoyingly able to recognise without even looking up.
‘Hello again,’ I say impatiently. Of course it’s Laurie, not Felix, nor even some cute potential new crush for me to flirt with. ‘Did you just happen to be in the office and get tempted in by yet another tune or are you here on purpose this time?’
‘Would you believe me if I said I was here on purpose?’ he says, a slight smile dancing on his lips. ‘Word got around to my coursemates that it was a fun night so a group of us thought we’d come together.’
‘Who knew I’d be such a hit with the mathematicians,’ I say, softening a little.
‘How do you know I’m a mathematician?’ he asks flatly. He’s right, I don’t think he told me that. Now he knows I’ve been talking about him, ugh.
‘Well . . . I . . .’ I frown, wrong-footed. ‘Sometimes you just know these things. Sometimes you can just tell by looking at someone.’
‘Ha!’ he says, clapping his big hands together. ‘I actually had a request, believe it or not,’ he says, the smile returning. When he’s not being all austere and dry, he has quite a sweet face, doesn’t he? Annoying of him, to be honest.
‘And what would that be?’ I furrow my brows at him in an approximation of deep thought. ‘“Genius of Love” by Tom Tom Club? Because I’ve already played that earlier in the night.’ I’m glad he wasn’t there; it feels like I’ve got one up on him by playing it before he was around.
‘Er, no,’ he says, moving swiftly on. ‘But sort of close actually. I was thinking about “Lazy” by X-Press 2 and David Byrne.’
‘Huh,’ I say almost involuntarily. ‘Could be kind of vibey, couldn’t it?’
‘Vibey indeed,’ Laurie says drily.
My gaze wanders over the room, to all of these people having fun, and I let a little flush of pride fill my chest. I did this!
I made it happen! Even Laurie and his maths friends, somehow, seem like they’re having a good time (I don’t know what goes on in the heads of mathematicians).
I take a final, long slurp of lime and soda and let out a sigh. I did it. I really did it again.
* * *
The clock strikes two o’clock, which is my absolute non-negotiable curfew set by the union, and I gasp with delight at the knowledge that I’ve made it to the end of the night with absolutely no technical issues!
I did it! Sure, Felix didn’t turn up and I kept thinking about my parents, but at least I didn’t have a room full of hundreds of people staring at me in complete silence!
As soon as the lights come on, there’s a mass exodus towards the big double doors of the main entrance, leaving only a few stragglers behind.
None of them are Felix so I just busy myself with trying to pack my things away.
Nobody wants to be hanging out under the rudely bright lights of the union – a classic tactic to clear a space at the end of the night – and as my friends file out, they wave at me and blow kisses towards the DJ booth.
I wave back, but my hand feels heavy and I can’t raise it properly.
Which is . . . strange. If someone was chilling with me in the DJ booth, right about now I would turn to them and say, ‘You know what? I feel a bit weird.’ But there’s no one there, so I just keep trying to pack up my stuff, winding a cable round my hand around . . . and around . . . and around . . .
All of a sudden, it’s like I’ve been . . . like I’ve been . . . wrapped in a big, heavy duvet in a warm room, and it’s time to go to bed . . . time to sleep. It’s like someone has turned out the lights . . . dark . . . delicious . . . sleep . . .