Chapter 27
‘Knock-knock!’ Morgan says brightly – a little too brightly, some might say.
‘What time is it?’ I ask, bleary-eyed after my late night.
‘Oh, like, eleven o’clock. Aleesha has gone to Tesco Express to get Pop-Tarts and I didn’t want you to miss them.’
‘I would rather die than miss Pop-Tarts.’
‘And I brought you a coffee,’ she says, holding the milky cup of instant out to me and perching on the end of my bed.
‘You’re too kind,’ I say, meaning it. I know I’m lucky.
Since the second I opened my eyes, I’ve had this strange but familiar fluttering in my chest. Oh no. I know what that feeling is. I let out a groan.
‘What?’ Morgan asks, leaping back up in fear that she’s sat on me.
‘It’s . . . nothing. I’ll tell you about it when Aleesha gets back.’
‘Speak of the devil,’ Morgan says with a smile, hearing Aleesha’s key in the door.
‘Honey, I’m ho-o-o-ome!’ Aleesha calls from the hall, the sound of a plastic bag swishing away in her hand.
‘Let me just rustle up a little something and I’ll be right there!
’ We hear the sound of the box being torn open and the foil packet being ripped into and then, one after another, the metallic springs of the toaster being pushed down.
Finally, Aleesha bounds up the stairs and comes to join Morgan on my bed, a familiar tableau of cosy weekend mornings.
‘Two hotter-than-the-sun, molten-lava, burn-your-tastebuds-off chocolate Pop-Tarts for your delectation,’ she says, sliding them onto my plate.
‘There is nothing I want more right now.’
‘Fun night? Too fun?’ Aleesha asks, raising her eyebrows and grinning expectantly, before her face falls. ‘Nothing weird happened again, did it?’
I shake my head. ‘Nah, nothing like that,’ I say, but I don’t know where to go from there. How do I introduce the . . . the idea of Laurie?
I nibble the pastry edge of my Pop-Tart, trying to get my teeth as close as possible to the frosting without eating any, before moving on to the process of lifting off bits of frosting with my teeth so I’m left with just the chocolate sauce on the bottom layer. I know no other way.
‘Guys . . .’ I say very seriously, ‘something terrible has happened.’
‘What?’ Morgan asks quickly, but I can tell Aleesha knows I’m being silly.
I take a deep breath. ‘I think I have . . . an unwanted crush.’
‘Not an unwanted crush!’ Morgan grins. ‘But you love having a crush. What was it you called it? Your animating life force or some shit?’
‘This is where the unwanted part comes in,’ I say. ‘Do you remember . . . maybe I mentioned this guy . . . um, Laurie O’Donnell?’
‘I’m going to level with you, babe, I find it hard to keep track of all your mans,’ Aleesha tells me, grimacing.
‘In your defence, there have been rather a lot over past year . . . but one . . . um, he works on the newspaper?’ I say casually, lightly. But Morgan has the memory of an elephant. She never forgets.
‘Laurie O’Donnell? You mean the guy who was rude to you and made you feel stupid and who you said was a demon and you accused of starting a rival advice column?’ she helpfully supplies.
‘Not that guy?’ Aleesha says, disbelieving that the person that I spent most of a Big Shop, pushing a trolley with a wobbly wheel around Tesco complaining about is now the object of my affections.
I hold up a finger to pause their scepticism. ‘There is a key piece of information that I think I neglected to tell you . . .’ I say, swallowing, trying to remember why I didn’t want to tell them in the first place. ‘You know when my drink got spiked?’
Morgan gasps dramatically. ‘That wasn’t him, was it?’
‘No.’ I shake my head emphatically. ‘He was the one who took me home and looked after me. Made sure nothing bad happened to me.’
‘Oh . . .’ Morgan’s face softens.
‘Not such a demon after all,’ says Aleesha quietly.
‘He contains multitudes, I guess.’ Don’t we all?
‘Why didn’t you tell us that?’ Morgan asks, smiling, a little baffled. ‘You know, at the time, when it happened?’
‘I think . . . when I really dig deep . . . it was because maybe part of me knew I liked him in that way, but I just couldn’t admit it? And I can never lie to you two, so I thought if I just didn’t mention it then I wouldn’t have to acknowledge it.’
‘Are you sure you’re not just looking for something or someone to replace Felix?’ Aleesha asks me sagely, taking a sip of coffee.
‘I don’t know,’ I tell her, because it’s true.
I don’t know. I don’t feel like I know anything any more.
I used to feel like maybe I knew everything and had some sort of deep, useful wisdom that I could apply to myself and share with other people, and I’m wondering if actually the fun bits of life come from the not knowing, the uncertainty.
And more to the point, I’m wondering if that isn’t sort of .
. . good? Better? To know that I’m just doing my best, trying to help other people have as much fun and joy as humanly possible?
That maybe being curious about people is my superpower, rather than being certain about what I know?
‘What do you like about him?’ Aleesha asks, seemingly satisfied with my previous answer.
I think for a moment. ‘I like that there’s always this tiny bit of friction with him in some way, which is in itself sort of intriguing, but underneath the friction I feel like we’re compatible.
In a way that feels . . . real? I mean, yes, we like some of the same things, but it’s more than that.
He’s calm and I’m never calm, but I feel calm when I’m with him, not like I have to be on my guard like I need to impress him or think about what I look like.
And he’s, well, he’s quite nice-looking now I look at him properly.
All big and dark and cute,’ I say, feeling my cheeks heat up.
‘Nice hands. And he came up to the booth and said he thought the podcast was good, and somehow a compliment just feels like it really means something coming from him?’
‘Just be careful, that’s all,’ Morgan says gently. ‘I feel like you’ve been through a lot of change recently and maybe it would be good to just . . . do less for a bit.’
Aleesha rolls her eyes. ‘That’s like asking the sun not to rise.’
I smile. ‘Doing the absolute most is my default state . . . but maybe Morgan is right. Maybe not everything requires action. Or a reaction. Anyway, I might be projecting. It’s possible he doesn’t like me at all and was just being nice because he knows the last club night ended in a bit of a mess for me. ’
The idea that I could just do nothing is very unfamiliar to me, but I wonder on this occasion if it’s the correct path to take.
‘At least you’ve got the Christmas holidays to give you a bit of distance from the whole thing.’ Aleesha’s right.
I nod. Maybe some time at home will give me the kind of break I need. No drama. Just switch my busy brain off for a bit.