12. Chapter 12
BLUE
I woke up Friday morning lying in the bathtub with a brutal crick in my neck and my left leg so numb it wouldn’t support my weight when I tried to stand.
I’d closed myself in the bathroom because it was the only room in the house with a lock.
And last night, the Raiders had a party.
I’d almost forgotten what their parties were like, relegating the memories to the deepest recess of my brain. They were rowdy to the point of chaos, breaking chairs and bottles, throwing each other through windows or into walls when inevitable scuffles broke out over stupid wounded pride or drunken declarations. There were no Old Ladies allowed in Rooster’s club, so the only women were biker sluts, women who were usually hooked on drugs or danger who needed the Raiders for their hit of either substance. When I walked in after my first shift at Eugene’s, Meatloaf was fucking someone right beside the door. He’d sneered at me when I walked in, balls deep inside a woman who was screaming loud enough to wake the dead.
It didn’t get any better the deeper into the house I went.
Rooster was being fellated as he casually drank whiskey with his Sergeant At Arms, Macho, and when he caught my eye across the crowded living room, he beckoned me to his side with a snap of his fingers.
I was exhausted.
Thursday was my double duty day at Lin’s and Eugene’s, and both jobs were physically and socially taxing. All I wanted was to fall into bed, text Aaron for a minute, and escape into dreams.
But I knew better than to say no to Rooster.
So I picked my way through the warm bodies writhing together to the rock music spilling tinny and crackling through an old speaker and stopped at his side.
“Grab us some more beer, girl,” he said, meeting my eye as he pet the blonde head of the woman on her knees in front of him. “Make yourself useful like Crystal here.”
I fought against the shiver of revulsion that moved through me and turned to his bidding. Before, when I was young, I hadn’t grown into myself yet so none of the brothers had even looked at me too long.
But I was decked out in glam makeup, tiny denim shorts, and a yellow top that emphasized my curves for my shift at Eugene’s, and one of the Raiders let his appreciation be known by tugging me into his lap before I could get by.
His face was between my breasts, motorboating me loudly, beer-wet lips against my flesh before I could push him away. When I tried, he gathered my hands in his ham fists and pulled down hard to keep me still.
He pulled away laughing, ruddy-faced and clearly high out of his mind from the dilatation of his pupils.
“Let go,” I seethed, baring my teeth at him.
“Or what?” He chuckled, rubbing his bearded cheek against me.
“Or Hazard’ll have your eyes plucked from your skull,” I warned, hoping that Hazard’s legendary temper hadn’t cooled in the eight years of our separation.
The biker, I thought his name was Piston, winced a little and then almost threw me off his lap. I crashed into the coffee table behind me, whacking my hip so hard I had to swallow a cry. Piston and his buddy next to him laughed at me, but I didn’t stick around to make an issue of it.
The kitchen was a relief after that, only Aunt Rita sitting at the table in her house coat with a biker slut who was crying softly, holding a frozen bag of corn to one cheek. Sympathy moved through me for a moment looking at her smeared makeup and bad extensions.
I wondered what kind of path she’d wandered down to end up in this place voluntarily.
But I couldn’t afford to help her, not when I couldn’t even help myself.
So I just paused after grabbing a six-pack of cold ones and offered, “You can sleep in my room if you need space. The last one on the second floor on the right.”
She’d blinked at me, checking me out in one sharp look before sneering. “I don’t need your help, bitch.”
I shared a look with Aunt Rita, who only shrugged, long ago inured to all kinds of biker behaviour as Rooster’s spinster sister, and left the room.
I dropped the beers while Rooster was busy coming down that girl’s throat and then diligently handed over my first paycheck and the scant information I felt comfortable telling him about gossip at Eugene’s. Mostly that The Fallen realized they were under attack from someone, but they had no clue who. That got a wild, smug laugh from my father before he dismissed me to take a celebratory shot with his brothers.
I disappeared up the stairs, grabbed my pillow, and locked myself in the bathroom. I thought about taking my secret phone with me, but it was too risky in case someone broke down the door (it had happened before) or I couldn’t get back to my room before everyone woke up in the morning.
Instead, I used the phone Rooster had given me and called the only number I had memorized.
“Faithy?” a sleepy voice answered, growing alert with every word. “Faithy, is that you?”
Tears pooled at the backs of my eyes, but I didn’t stop them from running down my cheeks as I whispered to the only man who’d ever treated me like a daughter, “Hey, Grouch.”
“Honey.” The one word throbbed with heartache. “God, I hate that you are back with them.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“I wish…I wish you’d let me help you. I can give you some money. You can catch a bus or a train out of here.”
“I told you,” I said, so tired each bone in my body felt like an anchor. I imagined filling the tub with water and sinking beneath the current. At that moment, it seemed like the only way to find peace. “Rooster would kill you. Look at what he did to you already because of me.”
“I don’t want you worrying about what happened to me. I only wish I could do more. I could take Ruth and Jensen, and we could go with you,” he offered.
A sob fell from my mouth before I could catch it. I knew how much Grouch loved it here. He’d immigrated to Canada with Ruth to Toronto and crossed the country until settling here because it reminded them of the mountains back home.
“Even if I could let you do that, he’d find a way,” I said through the clutch of tears at my throat. “He’s like…the devil, Grouch. And I sold my soul to him at birth. I don’t think I can ever get away.”
“You can and you will,” he declared imperiously. “We’ll find a way.”
I focused on breathing so I wouldn’t fall to absolute pieces.
“What about that boy who gave me the parcel to deliver for you?” he asked into the silence, a little hopeful, a little afraid. “He seemed…capable. He told me he was the one who helped you the night of the break-in.”
“Yeah,” I said, my breath lost to the memory of Aaron swaggering into the gas station and the recognition that he was trouble. It was ironic really because I was the one bringing trouble to him. “He’s…”
“You like him.”
“You saw him, right?” I tried to joke. “He’s my type to a T.”
“No,” Grouch said slowly. “He’s got kind eyes. Otto never had none of that, and from what you’ve told me, neither did Hazard.”
“Yeah,” I agreed softly, thinking of those ink-dark eyes and long lashes and the way they crinkled at the sides when he smiled. “I think he’s the kindest man I’ve ever met apart from you.”
“The kinda man who’s good to know. Don’t turn him away, Faithy. You think I didn’t recognize his cut, you’re blind. Those men’ve been keeping Entrance safe from outside riffraff for a long time.”
I laughed a little wetly. “Only you would say that about a group of outlaw bikers, Grouch.”
“I never judge a book by its cover,” he reminded me. “If I had, I would have robbed myself the opportunity of loving a girl as sweet as you just because she stole some things from my store.”
His sweetness seeped into the broken skin of the wounds I’d acquired in Rooster’s home and burned like acid.
“Love you, Grouch,” I whispered, exhaustion sweeping through me.
“Love you, girly. Don’t lose faith,” he joked as he always did.
“I already have,” I murmured, half-asleep. “Faith’s gone, but I have hope for Blue.”
Happily, everyone was passed out when I left the farm. It was still too early to start my shift at Eugene’s, but there was somewhere else I had to be.
Lion Heart Investigations was above a bakery in downtown Entrance called Honey Bear Café so the stairwell smelled like warm butter and coffee. The name was written in gold on waxy glass set into the door at the top of the stairs, and when I knocked, an enormous, long-haired, bearded man opened the door as if he’d just been on his way out.
“Hey,” he grunted, granting me the tiniest smile before he stepped back to let me in.
He had the look of an ex-con, a look I recognized from half the men I’d grown up with. It was the look of someone haunted by ghosts of their own making. He was handsome in a way that felt threatening, the big muscles, the tattoos, and the scowl lines carved into his tanned face, but when he gave me his eyes, I found a sweetness lurking there.
“Leavin’,” he hollered over his shoulder into the depths of the office before nodding at me and starting down the stairs.
“See ya, Sander,” someone called back from behind a slightly opened door at the back of the room.
I walked toward it, noting the lack of a receptionist, and knocked lightly on the doorframe before peeking inside.
“Uh, hello?”
The P.I. I’d looked up online sat before me at a big wooden desk with scarred cowboy boots resting beside the keyboard and a tablet in his lap. When he turned his gaze to me, I was shocked by the vividness of his green eyes against the tanned skin and golden hair. He was beautiful like cowboys in old Hollywood films were beautiful, weather worn in an attractive way that spoke of too much time outdoors.
I wondered if being beautiful was an entry requirement for Entrance.
When I’d last seen him, it had been in the low lights of The Fallen MC clubhouse late enough at night, after hours of adrenaline, that I hadn’t given him a proper look.
“Hey,” Lionel Danner said, dropping his boots to the ground to stand up to greet me. His hand was rough around my own, but his grip was warm and gentle. “Faith Cavendish. I didn’t expect to see you in my office.”
He gestured to the studded leather chair across from him, so I sat and offered a weak smile. “Why doesn’t it surprise me that you know who I am?”
A little shrug. “It’s my job.” He rubbed a hand over his stubbled chin as he considered me. “And Boner was pretty frantic to find you after you disappeared on him.”
Instead of guilt, warmth infused me.
“Oh,” I said, looking at my freshly done nail art to hide my blush. I’d hand painted a little owl on each index finger because they reminded me of Aaron.
Lion’s chuckle was friendly. “Never seen the guy like that, so I was happy to help.”
“Like what?” I indulged myself in asking.
“Serious about someone. You might not know him well yet, but Boner’s our jokester, so when he says something serious, we all perk up and listen.”
I nodded because I could see that. “We all hide behind something.”
His eyes flashed with interest, but he leaned back in his chair as if we were just having a casual chat. “Very true. And what can I help you hide or find today, Ms. Cavendish?”
“Actually.” I swallowed the fear blocking my throat and squared my shoulders. “I was hoping I could help you.”
“Oh?” His eyebrows jumped up. “How might you do that?”
God, why was this so hard?
I knew it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do if I wanted to get myself out of this mess of a life I was living. So why was I reluctant?
Rooster and Hazard were bad men who had done awful things to me. This was my chance to take my power back .
But years of abuse and power imbalance stood between me and Lion Danner like an un-scalable ice wall. I’d spent so long not talking about it when I was young and then even in my years away from them that it was like I didn’t have the vocabulary to talk about my abuse.
Lion sat forward, his handsome face earnest and open. “Is this about your father?”
I nodded, trying to swallow down the beginnings of a panic attack.
“Okay,” he soothed. “You know, I’ve never been in a situation like yours. But my wife was in an abusive relationship before we got together. He tried to rape her with a knife, and she ended up taking his life to save herself. She wouldn’t mind me sharing that with you, I think, because she’d get you needed to hear this. You aren’t attacking him by protecting yourself. You aren’t doing anything wrong. In fact, you’re doing the only thing that’s right for you.”
I sucked in a sharp breath to mortar my flesh to my bones so I wouldn’t fall apart in front of a virtual stranger.
“You know,” he continued. “Harleigh Rose and some other women in the club have been through hell and back before they got their happy. Maybe I could give you some numbers in case you needed to talk to someone.”
“Aaron told me to avoid Harleigh Rose,” I admitted before I could curb my response.
Thankfully, Lion only tipped his head back to laugh. “Yeah, I can see that. People think I named my company after myself, but honest to God, I named it for her. She’s my lion-hearted girl. Braver than anyone else I know ’cause she took her own life back for herself. She can be a little intimidating, but she’s the best kinda woman to have in your corner. And I think she’d like you.”
His gentle manipulation was obvious, but truthfully, it helped to hear their story.
I wanted happy so much I burned.
And somehow, Aaron had got all tangled up with my definition.
Maybe, if I was brave and bold, I could have both.
So I opened my mouth and said, “I want to help you take down the White Raiders. I don’t care if you use the information I get to give to the cops or to the club, but I want to be free of them.”
“Okay,” he said simply as if this wasn’t the biggest wish I’d ever had laid bare in front of him, like my bleeding heart still warm from my cracked-open chest. “We can do that.”
“Yeah?” I asked, almost wincing at the hope in my tone.
“Not gonna lie to you, Faith. It’s a dangerous prospect. Your father and his crew are gunning hard for The Fallen, and they find you are working against them, maybe even with The Fallen, it could end badly.” He opened his palms wide. “I’m just laying out the facts so you know there’s a slim chance of a bad ending, but I’ll do anything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
“I’m living there anyway to keep people I care about safe. So I figure I can make the sacrifice worth it in two ways if I try to help you put them away while I’m at it.” My hands twisted in my lap, damp with nerves and adrenaline. “I know it’s dangerous. But if the only move I have to make is sacrificing my queen to end this, I’ll do it.”
Lion leaned across the table slightly, grass-green gaze intense. “And I’m saying you aren’t the only piece on the board anymore. You’ve got me, and I gotta sense you’ve got The Fallen if you want them too. I suggest with the adversary we’re facing? You tag them in. They can more than take care of themselves and you.”
“I don’t want them to know I’m doing this,” I clarified because I didn’t think Aaron would take it well, and I needed to take action for me. “I think they’ve got their hands filled already, and I want to remain an anonymous source.”
“That’s probably best,” he agreed. “There’s been some developments and I’m not so sure there isn’t someone on the inside working with the Raiders.”
“I can try to find out who,” I suggested. “They don’t tell me much, but they also don’t care much where I go or what I do in the house.”
He considered it with an unhappy frown. “Fine, but be careful. I’ll give you a burner so we can stay in touch.”
“I have one,” I offered, blushing even though he didn’t know I had it so I could have a lifeline to Aaron. “I can give you the number. Only one other person has it.”
He ducked his head to grab a pen, but I could see his slight smile. “Good. So try to keep an ear to the ground and let me know what you find. If anything goes down that you think spells danger for you, you call me, yeah? Not after it happens, before. And I don’t give a fuck if it’s a false alarm. Call me anyway so I’m on standby to help you.”
“I’ll be fine,” I told him, the words automatic on my tongue. “Before I go, what do you know about getting an uncontested divorce?”
His head snapped up, eyes bright and when he saw my expression, a slow smile pulled his lips wide. “Not much, but I know a guy who can help.”
“I don’t have a lot of money, but I could sell something,” I offered even though it broke my heart to think of selling the ring Aaron had found for me.
It was hidden in the mattress beside my secret phone because I wasn’t sure Rooster wouldn’t take it for himself.
“No, you let me worry about that, okay?” He held up his hands when I opened my mouth to protest. “And if you think you’re getting special treatment because Aaron’s head over boots for you, you’re wrong. You’re getting special treatment because you’re a woman in trouble, and that’s just how we do things here. You understand?”
I felt jittery, like a child hopped up on sugar, only the substance that had me tweaking out was kindness. So much of it so unexpectedly after a lifetime without that it was overloading my system.
“Yeah,” I whispered. “But I will pay you back.”
“Honest to God, Faith, the best payback you’ll give me is getting safe and clear those criminals.”
The smile felt twisted on my face. “So you discriminate against certain criminals but not others? Your bio said you used to be a cop.”
Lion rubbed absently at a place on his chest, eyes distant. “Monsters wear all kinds of labels—cops, bikers, politicians. I’ve found it’s how a person acts and not what they associate with that determines their goodness. Met some of the best men I’ve ever known in The Fallen and that doesn’t discount meeting some of the worst through them either.”
“It’s complicated,” I agreed.
His grin was wry, but I matched it with one of my own, feeling the bloom of camaraderie unfurl between us.
“The best things often are,” he confirmed.
And I knew both of us were thinking about Aaron.