Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
Lucas
Her body flushed at my stare, and I decided to take the plunge.
“Can we explore a more personal relationship?” I held my breath after I asked the question that had been burning in my mind all week.
As far as I could tell, she didn’t have anyone in her life but now would come the moment of truth.
Would she even accept a relationship with me?
Her eyes grew wide, and she looked away. Like a balloon, I deflated. I was hoping we could start over and find pleasure in each other again. Maybe it wasn’t possible. Maybe she wasn’t ready to trust me again.
“I’ve already told you I’m not ready for that right now. Besides, ask yourself: Is that really a good idea?” Her voice was soft and gave nothing away.
“To me, yes, but I understand why you’re not so sure.” I didn’t look away, and when her gaze met mine, my heart dropped. There was sadness, profound sadness. Damn, I’m the one who caused this chasm between us, and I needed to fix it. If I could.
“I’m not.” Valerie closed her eyes and then opened them. “I was hurt when you walked away.”
“I’m sorry.” What else could I say; it was the truth. My heart clenched. “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was scared.”
“Of me?”
I shook my head. “I was about to turn thirty; I think it was a mini mid-life crisis.” Lame, but it was the only explanation I could come up with.
“I thought you didn’t get to mid-life crisis until you were close to fifty.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. All I do know is I panicked and got scared of what was happening between us. I still had a lot going on with Mindy, and I didn’t have a firm career path.” There was so much pressure at the time, and I was drowning in the sea of it. Now I could see things better.
“Lucas, you graduated with honors for your MBA.”
She didn’t believe me. “I did, but it took me longer than it should have.” Valerie reached over and touched my arm.
“You were working to pay for your schooling and your sister’s. You should have cut yourself a break.”
Her fierce defense surprised me. “All true, but that doesn’t excuse what happened. I let you down.” Hell, I let myself down.
“I’m not going to deny that.” Her fingers tightened around my forearm. “Thinking back, I can see how you might have had some sort of mid-life crisis. You were dealing with a lot, what with working long hours. And turning thirty is a milestone for some men.”
“And it’s not for women?”
“Thirty didn’t really bother me, but I know with other women it does.”
“Why didn’t it bother you?” I was curious, especially since she’d turned thirty last year. Yes, I’d kept track of her birthday. Funny how I did that without thinking about it.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because I was happy with my life, and I’m not a dominant male.”
I froze. “What gives you the impression I’m still a Dominant?”
She laughed. “Lucas, remember how much you loved restraining me when we had sex?”
“Just because I restrained you doesn’t mean I’m dominant.”
“Oh please. It’s obvious.”
“How?” Yes, I was dominant with a little bit of kink, but what was she seeing? Did other women see the dominant tendency? Is that why they flirted with me?
“The way you walk, the way you’re protective, and I’m pretty sure working for a company like Fantasies, Inc., even if you don’t use their services, brings it out more.”
“It does. But it’s more than that.” We never really talked about my dominant tendencies when we were together. It was important we did now.
“I’m sure it is. But back to the original question.” She shifted. “Us starting over.”
I leaned forward.
“I’m willing, but I need to take it slowly.”
I barely heard past the “I’m willing” but forced myself to process her words. “I can agree to taking it slowly, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
“We keep things businesslike at work.”
“And after hours?” I could deal with being professional at work.
“I have no problem with us going out to dinner or a movie.”
I tangled my fingers with hers as she hesitated. “And?”
“I don’t know.”
“Is sex off the table?” My body was already on fire for hers, but I’d douse the flames until she was ready even if it meant cold showers every day.
“At this moment, yes. I need some time, Lucas. I need to learn to trust you again. To trust myself when I’m with you.”
The firmness in her voice wasn’t surprising. The only time I’d ever seen Valerie be impulsive was her relationship with me. We hit the sheets at the end of our first week after getting to know each other. We’d both been a bit reckless.
“I can live with that. I’ll wait until you tell me you’re ready.” It might kill me, but I was more than willing to wait. Valerie was worth it.
“Okay.” She squeezed my fingers. “On that note, I need to get moving.”
“What are you doing today?” I reluctantly released her hand.
“Cleaning, laundry, and cooking.” She picked up the empty mugs and stood.
“Need help?”
Her laughter floated through the air and made my dick jump.
Down boy, we may have cleared the air, but she’s drawn the line. Don’t cross it.
“I think it’s better I do these things alone. I remember how you helped around my apartment when we lived together. I never got anything done.”
“Oh yeah.” I grinned. Whenever she tried to clean the apartment, I had more fun chasing her around until I could tackle her onto the bed. “Have a good weekend.”
“You too.”
Standing at the top of the steps, I waited until she went inside and closed and locked the patio door. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing to be alone today. I could start working on my plan to win Valerie back while assessing and minimizing the risks that might make her walk away.